The Bridge by Wells Farrago - Be careful what you wish for. - Short, Sci Fi

Well, it had an interesting twist.  When you first mentioned Teddy Kennedy as president, I thought -- what did I miss here? But you turned it into a time travel story with sort of a butterfly effect to it.  Teddy crashes into the Chappaquiddick River, and because of that, Donald Trump ultimately become president.  So that's fairly clever, but hoo boy.  The writing here is bit rugged to get through at times.  A lot of grammatical errors -- particularly missing periods at the end of sentences being one of them.

Not sure you needed a saw to cut into the hose when a knife would have done, but I'll accept it.  And you got the sci fi down so parameters met.

Really in need of a clean up, but otherwise, a clever little story.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the challenge!

Gary

This is one of those scripts that works better outside of the tournament.

If you decide to rewrite, consider doing so without the parameters in mind, and make it more straightforward. You won't be chasing the "broken down car" angle as hard, and it should smooth out.

As it sits, it feels disjointed.

That said, I like the premise, and got a good laugh out of it, so that's a success in my book. It's too rough for top scores, but I enjoyed it anyway.

You get an A ++++ for cleverness in terms of the premise. I foking love the premise.

The opening dialogue is pedestrian - it's kind of out of tone with the story - not sure how else to say it. e,g, this:

Quoted Text SUITED DEMOCRAT Joining his father Teddy Kennedy and his uncle John F Kennedy in holding the highest office in the land.

Is never something a politician would say at a celebratory event - it would work a lot better if this was a news cast - with the anchor explaining things as the election party plays in the background. i.e,

ANCHOR
President elect Patrick Kennedy approaches the lectern. In a moment, he'll be making an acceptance speech. One made by his father before him, President Ted Kennedy and his..


Anyway - dialogue was the only part I didn't care for. I love the premise

Haha... Loved the twist. Very funny. Job well done.

This all works with the ending.  What I would say is, this character they follow.  I'm sure he'd have protection since he's the son of the potential president.  This one meets the criteria.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text The person sat at this desk is obscured from view by the large leather chair he's sat in.

It may be right, but it reads a bit awkwardly.

I think a political script will immediately alienate some of your readers.

Quoted Text HIDDEN REPUBLICAN (O.C.)

Two things, there needs to be some other way to show that this guy is a republican if it’s important. Also (O.C.) is more of a sitcom thing (O.S.) would be more appropriate. Everyone will still know what you mean.

Quoted Text TIME CHAMBER

I think for clarity in the story it would be good to replicate this in a SUPER.

Quoted Text He pointedly stares at Benson's erect nipples. She pointedly stares at his shrivelled genitalia.

If you write it we see it, do you actually want us to see this? I'm not sure...

Quoted Text He points at the '67 Chevy Impala. He grabs pants and a shirt from the line, she follows suit. BENSON Shoes? LEE Recon shifters said there were boots in the trunk of the car. He walks over and pops the trunk. Multiple pairs of boots, various blankets, fishing gear and an ice box vie for space. He throws her a pair as he steps into his own.

I'd work on changing the perspective from which you are writing, see how most sentences start with "He", that can make the script read like a list. Sometimes it isn’t possible, other times just reverting back to the character’s name will change it up enough.

Same issue here:

Quoted Text He pumps the brakes but nothing happens. He stamps on them, still nothing. He spins the wheel to avoid the broken down Chevrolet.

The broken down car feels like a bit of a stretch.

I think everyone has had their fill of Trump.

Criteria maybe just scrapes in, the writing needs a fair bit of work. Story, just okay for me.

All the best.

This particular vernacular points to a Brit writer:

The person sat at this desk is obscured from view by the
large leather chair he's sat in.

Just saying...

Great premise, enjoyable read. I won't nitpick. :)

Hello writer

Materialized next to some laundry - that was handy. Ah, seems like the items have been placed there, well done.

A saw doesn't seem like the right tool for the job... but you know, criteria, so I'll let it slide.

Criteria met, clever use of the breakdown requirement I thought.

Being British and knowing almost nothing about American politics, I'm probably not going to enjoy it as much as others. Why is Patrick Kennedy becoming president a bad thing?

Ok, so I googled this accident and saw it was a real event - So we start the story in an alternate timeline to our own, and they go back, cause the accident, and come back to the timeline that we (the audience) know - with twatface Trump as president.
My question is - Why would this accident affect whether Ted Kennedy would become president or not? is it a sin's of the father kind of deal? anyway, moving on...

I was really enjoying this, it was well written, flowed nicely and the story was interesting (probably even more interesting for American readers) - but, going against other reviewers, the ending let it down for me - it kinda shifted the whole thing into satire and a different tone of comedy thjan what I experienced earlier on.

Overall though, cracking job, inventive and well written

The time controllers don’t want Patrick Kennedy II elected president, so they send back a team to kill Ted Kennedy? But they screw up and kill an innocent woman which ruins T.K.’s chances for the presidency. So they sort of succeed in their mission. Only when they return to their present, they’re dismayed to find out Trump is now president. So now they want a do-over?

Time travel stories can get complicated, and this one was no exception. The motivation for going back in time can’t be left up to conjecture, the way you can in some genres, because time travel stories are already inherently confusing. And that’s the problem with this story. What exactly were they trying to accomplish? And why?

Benson and Lee come off as mere cogs in the time travel machine. Their dialogue is process oriented, rather than informative: “Recon shifters said there were boots in the trunk of the car.” Recon shifters is a good term, but the dialogue doesn’t advance or inform the narrative. They would have been better off discussing what they hoped to accomplish, or why their mission was so important.

The script has darkly comedic possibilities, but it needs more clarity.

Interesting that a writer from across the pond wrote this (assumption) since we have had many comments in the past regarding knowledge of this type of historical events.  Chappaquiddick will always be a travesty and have conspiracy theories associated with it. But I haven't heard THIS one before - good job, writer!

Let's just hope that by the time we have time travel, they've also taken the time to consider alternate potential outcomes.

With a bit of rework, this could be a nice piece of work.

The Bridge

I must admit I wasn't sure that Benson can be used as a female name and that confused me a few times here. Imo you then should be careful with using the "other person's" personal pronoun after the dialogue (btw I wouldn't ever do this anyway; to me, the personal pronoun belongs to the foregone character's dialogue only and always).

However, that's nitpicky, secondary stuff, because otherwise, the read is tidy and flows well.

The saw was rather weak but you were strong in the genre so surely I'll let it pass on the criteria side.

The story was not overly exciting but quite okay considering the tough parameters.

I especially liked that the time shifter guys can't remember the assignment of the travelers, which actually solves the time travel paradox. Good job.

@ spend at least a minute on your logline ;-)

Ah, fan fiction. A lovely little trip down fantasy lane.

Not bad writing, it just didn't grab me. It had the vibe of a joke from the start.

I did like that you went the obvious route with the saw (to disable the car for the other criteria) but also that their own car broke down and also perpetrated the plot. Nice way to weave it all together.