Unholy Union by Lee Ann Riddle & Christine Locker - Short, Comedy, Horror - A wife's demonic behavior forces her husband to seek holy help. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello writers

Quoted Text He visibly shudders.

as opposed to invisibly shudders?

I liked this one - although I did guess the reveal before it happened (I got it when Pete started the exorcism) It may be that it becomes obvious at that point, or the fact that my partner is currently 37 weeks pregnant.

Anyway, it still didn't take away from the fun of it. Pete is a likable idiot, Peggy's pregnancy symptoms (for lack of a better word) are exaggerated but fits the comedy aspect nicely.

The writing is pretty good - not perfect - but it was an easy read.

My only criticism is this is too long for what it is - There's no real depth to this story, so at 12 pages It feels like you could have gotten to the punch line faster.

Good work - best of luck with it.

Matt

Thank you for your comments on our script, Matt.

It always helps to get feedback and it's much appreciated.

Kind regards,
Christine

I"ll agree with Mathew on this: too long.

I'm betting that this would really sing around 6 or 7 pages. As it sits, the "punchline" is muted because it's too drawn out. I started scanning the action blocks around the midpoint. That's a bad sign.

Since this is such a punchline driven script, you need to think of it like a joke. In this case, the set up is too long, throwing the timing off. If you really pack the "demonic" stuff tight, the pacing will pick up and the laugh will come quicker and harder.

It's a great concept and well-written. Funny, too. Just needs a good haircut.

Good job. Thanks for sharing!

Thanks so much for your feedback, and for taking the time to read and review. It's much appreciated.

Regards,
Christine