Bury The Truth by Zack Akers - Short, Thriller - Two friends bury a body deep in the woods. But can they bury the truth? 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this up so fast, Don. I'll never be able to say it enough. You're awesome, Dude! ;D

My friend and I are wanting to make our own short horror films, so I tried to write something super simple and super cheap for our first project. Looking for any advice on how I can punch this up a bit more.

Good for you intending to make your own film!

It kind of works as is, but I would personally have liked to see something that would make the reveal come a little less out of left field so to speak. Give us some subtle hints. Key there being subtle since you donät want to give anything away either. Maybe have Evan adjust his jacket or something and we can see his neck has bad bruises or even a beginning of a cut or something. Maybe slowly, you add a little makeup that makes him look a little more pale. A little darker under the eyes and that sort of thing. That way, if someone rewatches it, they can see that all the hints were there, they just didnät notice the first time.

Good Luck dude!  8)

Nice work. For a four pager it definitely has its needed satisfying moment. I think it's all right.


Nit-picky stuff that actually have no meaning:

I heard that "handsome" as a physical description is frown on by writers. Perhaps it's a too generic and non-specific term. I have no opinion on that myself :-) other than that I already connect an athletic person to looking "generally" handsome.

I think you don't have to cap most of the sounds like scoff, sigh, roars… since it's just clear and easy to comprehend.

You got a lot of modifiers before the action verbs "begins to" fill in, "continues to" toss dirt, "stops" shoveling, "goes back to" filling, "finishes" filling, "uses the shovel to" …

practically ROARS - practically?

I don't think the (CONT'D) references are needed. These are two persons and your reader is fully aware what happens and when someone continues to speak.

Top of p3 – after the page break, I wouldn't start with a personal pronoun and rather simply use the character's name. Call me old-school but to me the reader owns the page break to take a sip of coffee or do whatever for a second, so imo you should be specific there to let her/him continue the read without having to look back whose turn it's been.

Close on at p4 isn't needed

Anyway, as said, those points have no true meaning and you don't have to change them since screenwriting is no algebra and everything is understandable and easy to follow as it is, especially the story, which works fine for this little piece.

Just nit-picky secondary style things…

Good luck.

Read this a few times, including once just the action, and once just the dialog. What's good is that it flowed with just the descriptions and also with just the characters talking. Unfortunately still kind of confused by the ending. Pieced it together enough to get the Jake was reliving his final conversation with Evan before... correct? Up until that it was pretty clear. As a shoot-it-yourself project you shouldn't have much trouble at all.

I l liked this, Zack.  Nice job.

Go, Zack!

First impressions: nicely done.

I actually thought these two guys were burying someone else (some hit they did together) and I thought the ensuing argument was going to lead to first the soil being shovelled in but it then being shovelled back out as the argument got more intense. Then obviously scrawny guy, oblivious, being smacked over the head and in he goes.  Your intended version (not the one where my head took it) is typically more supernatural. I do like Pia's suggestions with the visuals of bruising etc.

I'm going to give it another read later, see if I can add anything productive.
Great job.

While I'm not qualified to actually critique, I will say just two things. The first being that there are a lot of commas, when maybe there doesn't need to be? One sentence had 4 I think it was.

For the character introductions, there's no mention of how dirty they are. I'd assume if these dudes were digging a hole, they'd be a complete mess. At the very least they'd be sweaty and physically exhausted.

Maybe I interpreted this wrong, but I saw the story as Jake burying the "other side" of him, which he calls Evan.

Well done for taking the plunge, Zack!

Did you describe the Evan character as handsome because you will be playing him?  ;D

Thanks for giving this a look, guys. Much appreciated. I'm at work right now and unfortunately only have access to my terrible cellphone, but I will try to reply to each of you as soon as I get the chance. :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear It kind of works as is, but I would personally have liked to see something that would make the reveal come a little less out of left field so to speak. Give us some subtle hints. Key there being subtle since you donät want to give anything away either. Maybe have Evan adjust his jacket or something and we can see his neck has bad bruises or even a beginning of a cut or something. Maybe slowly, you add a little makeup that makes him look a little more pale. A little darker under the eyes and that sort of thing. That way, if someone rewatches it, they can see that all the hints were there, they just didnät notice the first time.

Thanks for going over this for me, Pia. Hope you've been well. :)

I was actually worried the twist was too obvious. You really didn't see it coming? I really like you idea of having Evan gradually look worse and worse, but I'd have to keep it very subtle. Can't spoil the surprise. Lol

Thanks again, Pia. If you'd like an extra pair of eyes to look over anything for ya, just send me a pm. :)

Wow, was not expecting that ending. Great stuff. Keep up the good work

Very well done Zack. Initially, I thought Jake will attack Evan from behind and will kill him too in the end. But this ending was really surprising.

I loved Pia's suggestions.

Quoted from PrussianMosby Nice work. For a four pager it definitely has its needed satisfying moment. I think it's all right.

Thanks for reading, Alex. Glad you enjoyed it. You bring up a lot of good points that I mostly agree with. Appreciate all the advice. :)

I've always kinda struggled with character descriptions. Need to improve here for sure.

You say I use a lot of modifiers to begin my action. Is that bad? Or am I just doing it too much?

Totally agree with your point on the start of page 3. Makes total sense and isn't something I would have thought about. Thanks, Dude. :)

The CLOSE ON at page four is really just there to emphasize that Evan isn't in that shot, but I can see your point.

Quoted from Zack You say I use a lot of modifiers to begin my action. Is that bad? Or am I just doing it too much?

Zack, here's a little essay in response for you ;-)

To me those modifiers ;-) as I call them here - especially the chronologically driven ones (begin, stop) - translate a little passive while reading, regarding the fact that I truly translate your words into a moving picture LIVE. Each and every word is live to me.

And when descriptions of actions (actions, which VERBS embody more than any other word group imo, as parts of pure and immediate movement or behavior), are introduced by "begin, stops" doing something, it imo disrupts the direct process of translating pictures in my mind.

Because, when one picture follows the other, right, then how could a character stop something. Example, in a sense, a character wouldn't "stop" shoveling on screen but what he actually might do is to stick the shovel into the soil and lean his forearms onto the handle-

There are a few exceptions when I see 'stops' to do as a necessity though. However, I saw it a little frequently done in your work.

I hope this makes sense.

And anyway, you are truly clear and fine with your presentation. So, nothing to over-think in any and whatever case. Stuff is fine.

I like the twist very much and look forward to what you do with it.

Quoted from Arundel Read this a few times, including once just the action, and once just the dialog. What's good is that it flowed with just the descriptions and also with just the characters talking. Unfortunately still kind of confused by the ending. Pieced it together enough to get the Jake was reliving his final conversation with Evan before... correct? Up until that it was pretty clear. As a shoot-it-yourself project you shouldn't have much trouble at all.

Thanks for the read, Rennie. Happy you enjoyed it. :)

I did not intend for Jake to be reliving his final conversation with Evan. More that Jake is just fuckin' crazy. Lol

Thanks again for reading. :)

Sorry for the late response. As usual, been swamped at work.

Quoted from LC Go, Zack! First impressions: nicely done. I actually thought these two guys were burying someone else (some hit they did together) and I thought the ensuing argument was going to lead to first the soil being shovelled in but it then being shovelled back out as the argument got more intense. Then obviously scrawny guy, oblivious, being smacked over the head and in he goes.  Your intended version (not the one where my head took it) is typically more supernatural. I do like Pia's suggestions with the visuals of bruising etc. I'm going to give it another read later, see if I can add anything productive. Great job.

Thanks for reading, Libby. Glad you enjoyed it. :) Will hopefully be filming this in the next month or so... So if any idea strikes you on how this could be improved in any way, please don't hesitate. :)

Quoted from Steven While I'm not qualified to actually critique, I will say just two things. The first being that there are a lot of commas, when maybe there doesn't need to be? One sentence had 4 I think it was. For the character introductions, there's no mention of how dirty they are. I'd assume if these dudes were digging a hole, they'd be a complete mess. At the very least they'd be sweaty and physically exhausted. Maybe I interpreted this wrong, but I saw the story as Jake burying the "other side" of him, which he calls Evan.

Thanks for read, Steven.

I tend to break up my sentences a bit more than usual with commas, sorry if it was distracting. Still trying to find the right balance.

Agreed on the characters need to be better decribed. Will fix that ASAP.

Yeah, you interpreted it wrong. Jake is just crazy and talking to the guy he just killed. Interesting idea though.  :)

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Well done for taking the plunge, Zack! Did you describe the Evan character as handsome because you will be playing him?  ;D

You know it, Dude.  ;D Just kidding. Lol. I'll be behind the camera for this project.  :P

Quoted from MikeK Wow, was not expecting that ending. Great stuff. Keep up the good work

Happy it surprised you. Thanks for reading, Dude.

Quoted from Fais85 Very well done Zack. Initially, I thought Jake will attack Evan from behind and will kill him too in the end. But this ending was really surprising. I loved Pia's suggestions.

Thanks for the praise. :) Glad I was able to throw you off with the ending. And I agree about Pia's idea's. Good stuff.

Quoted from eldave1 I l liked this, Zack.  Nice job.

Thanks, Dave.  :)

I'm late to this party... and I have nothing to add.

Just know, I enjoyed this. It worked for me and I didn't see the end coming.

Since you're shooting this yourself, I didn't even read it for formatting, etc. I only read for story. Figured the other stuff was inconsequential if you're not going for a sale.

Can't wait to see the finished short. (Have fun digging that hole!)

Quoted from PKCardinal Just know, I enjoyed this. It worked for me and I didn't see the end coming. Can't wait to see the finished short. (Have fun digging that hole!)

Thanks for reading, Paul. Stoked you enjoyed it. Wanna write another draft of this before I film it. And no, I'm NOT looking forward to digging that hole. Lol

On a seperate note, I've had 3 different emails asking about this scripts availability. Since I'm planning to shoot this myself, I'm unsure how I should respond to these requests. Should I let multiple different filmmakers use this?

Hey Zack,

Liked this one. Pretty dark with a solid twist. Only nitpick is that last line and him spitting in the grave was maybe a bit too vicious. I mean, he murdered him so obviously he's capable of being that vicious. Just thought he might pull back a bit there and say something like "Guess you did help me in the end, Evan". Or some other little call-back to an earlier line. That's a very minor nitpick though and probably just personal preference.

Good luck with the filming.

Quoted from MarkItZero Hey Zack, Liked this one. Pretty dark with a solid twist. Only nitpick is that last line and him spitting in the grave was maybe a bit too vicious. I mean, he murdered him so obviously he's capable of being that vicious. Just thought he might pull back a bit there and say something like "Guess you did help me in the end, Evan". Or some other little call-back to an earlier line. That's a very minor nitpick though and probably just personal preference. Good luck with the filming.

Thanks for the kind words, James. :)

I actually agree with on the final line not being very good. I need to think on that. Any more suggestions?

Quoted from Zack Any more suggestions?

None that would be remotely good. Maybe the line is fine. Could always try out some different things on the day of the shoot. Let your actors improvise a bit, maybe they'll hit on something.

Quoted from MarkItZero None that would be remotely good. Maybe the line is fine. Could always try out some different things on the day of the shoot. Let your actors improvise a bit, maybe they'll hit on something.

I'm sure something will come to me. ;D Thanks again for reading, Dude.

Quoted from Zack On a seperate note, I've had 3 different emails asking about this scripts availability. Since I'm planning to shoot this myself, I'm unsure how I should respond to these requests. Should I let multiple different filmmakers use this?

Such a problem!

As I'm not experienced with that particular conundrum, I don't have much to offer in advice. But, my gut says tell 'em your plan and let 'em film if they want. If it comes out great, then scrap your plan to film and write another. If it doesn't meet your vision, film it yourself.

But, if they've got plans to take the short to festivals, they may not want anyone else filming the same script. I know I wouldn't.

Bury The Truth has been produced. I'm pretty satisfied with how it turned out. :)

Good job Zack!

That was quick!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice, Zack. Congrats. Simple and effective. I like the guy playing, Jake. He’s a good actor. Where was this shot?

Thanks for watching, Pia. :)

You too, Steven. I was also really surprised how good the acting was. This was shot in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Nice work here. Difficult to shoot outside in the dark, thought they did a nice job simulating the moonlight. Added some fog as well. Jake reminds me a bit of Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) a bit. He’s a good actor. He can really throw some hatred into his dialogue. You should be proud of this one. Nice to have on your resume.


James

Thanks for watching, James. Very proud to have my name attached to this.

Zack! You'd be pretty chuffed with this I imagine.

They did a great job on this, and your name on the end credits comes first, yay!
The acting was top class and the music was suitably sinister too.

Very impressive.

Quoted from LC Zack! You'd be pretty chuffed with this I imagine. They did a great job on this, and your name on the end credits comes first, yay! The acting was top class and the music was suitably sinister too. Very impressive.

Thanks for the kind words, Libby. Definitely stoked with how this turned out.  :)

Congratulations, dude. Looks good. The guy playing Jake is a good actor. The performance elevated the feel.

Quoted from Fais85 Congratulations, dude. Looks good. The guy playing Jake is a good actor. The performance elevated the feel.

Thanks for watching, Dude. :)

Congrats Zack! you should be really proud!

I echo the others on the actor, he is really good - the other doesn't seem like a natural smoker though lol

Something strange happens at 2 minutes (when he throws the cigarette down), seems to freeze-frame. But overall a really good short, kudos to you

Zack, very impressed!  I never saw this script, but the filmed version is strong.

Nice job, brother!!!

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Something strange happens at 2 minutes (when he throws the cigarette down), seems to freeze-frame. But overall a really good short, kudos to you

I noticed that too. Lol

Thanks for watching, Dude.

Quoted from Dreamscale Zack, very impressed!  I never saw this script, but the filmed version is strong. Nice job, brother!!!

Thanks, Bro! Happy you like it. Feels good to finally have one of my scripts adapted into a good short film. ;D;D

This has been produced again. :)

Getting some good mileage out of this one, Zack.

Nice touch this time with the snow.
A terrific short script - simple, yet sinister - and both productions are really good.
Great stuff.

Two good productions of the script now Zack, congrats!

Thanks for the kind words, Libby and Anthony. :)

Double congrats, nice little short you have here.

Quoted from Warren Double congrats, nice little short you have here.

Appreciate it. :)

Well done Zack - Congrats.  

Kudos my man!! Amazing short!

Congrats on the script that keeps on giving!  8)

Thanks, everyone. :)

Only just noticed this!

Will watch this after work - Congrats on the double production of the short  ;D

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Only just noticed this! Will watch this after work - Congrats on the double production of the short  ;D

Thanks. Hope you enjoy it. :)

I watched it and I liked it. The dialogue works, the music, and you're kinda wondering what he's burying down there. Oh! Good job.

Quoted from Robert Timsah I watched it and I liked it. The dialogue works, the music, and you're kinda wondering what he's burying down there. Oh! Good job.

Sorry for the late response. Thanks for watching! Happy you enjoyed it. :)

Stolen. Again.



Not only did the filmmaker not give me my credit...He fucking claimed he wrote it!? Why does this keep happening to me? Lol. And to this script in particular!?

What an arseh...!

Big letters at the end - Written & Directed by...

I am outraged and angry on your behalf, Zack!
Have you contacted him?

Zack, I upvoted your comment (you as the writer) on YouTube.
Was going to add a whole lot more in the comments but I'm unsure if you want that, especially if you're already communicating with this guy.

Incidentally, the other film was a whole lot better.

The nerve of these people! Seriously.

Sorry to hear it.

Thanks for the support, Libby and Warren. You'd think I'd be used to this by now, but it still frustrats the hell out of me. Just reported the video to youtube and have requested to have it taken down.

In the meantime... Feel free to comment on his video and let him know that what he did is unacceptable. ;D

m-fers!

I added my two cents on the YouTube page

Quoted from eldave1 m-fers! I added my two cents on the YouTube page

Much appreciated.  ;D ;D

Quoted from Zack Stolen. Again.

Ahstsftttasht!
Blah when they do that. Sorry, Zack

Quoted from Zack Much appreciated.  ;D ;D

My pleasure!

I just noticed that the comments written by Zack and Dave on the YT page have been deleted!!

Contact YT and complain about copyright!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Contact YT and complain about copyright!

Did this morning. Just waiting for them to take action.

Quoted from Yuvraj I just noticed that the comments written by Zack and Dave on the YT page have been deleted!!

Yep. Seems like someone is deleting comments.

Sent the filmmaker a not-so-nice email a little bit ago. Check out their response...

"Dear Zack,

I was sent this script from a friend. He mentioned that it was on a website where you can use un-produced scripts for free.

I've asked him if he was a 100% sure no credits have to be given and we can use it and he said yes. So I went with what he said since I couldn't find any name on it as he edited the script beforehand.

Please accept my sincere apologies, I will give you credit for the script for sure and I'll talk to him to see where he got it from.

Thanks, "

This is getting weird.

Oh well, that's okay then.

If your friend said that, it must be true and you also must be higgledy-piggledy be able to claim any writing as your own.  ::)

What a way to start your professional career.
Personally, I'd get it pulled and tell him where to go.

Quoted from Zack Sent the filmmaker a not-so-nice email a little bit ago. Check out their response... "Dear Zack, I was sent this script from a friend. He mentioned that it was on a website where you can use un-produced scripts for free. I've asked him if he was a 100% sure no credits have to be given and we can use it and he said yes. So I went with what he said since I couldn't find any name on it as he edited the script beforehand. Please accept my sincere apologies, I will give you credit for the script for sure and I'll talk to him to see where he got it from. Thanks, " This is getting weird.

Ugh. Sounds like total BS

Assuming the script came from SS:

All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

Pretty clear info, and in red.

It doesn't say, take what you want, and heck, while you're at it, put your name on it too.

I'll shut up now.
This stuff and then feeble dishonest excuses rile me up.

Commented on the video and tried to submit a copyright report but looks like you're the only one that can do it.

Quoted from Zack Sent the filmmaker a not-so-nice email a little bit ago. Check out their response... "Dear Zack, I was sent this script from a friend. He mentioned that it was on a website where you can use un-produced scripts for free. I've asked him if he was a 100% sure no credits have to be given and we can use it and he said yes. So I went with what he said since I couldn't find any name on it as he edited the script beforehand. Please accept my sincere apologies, I will give you credit for the script for sure and I'll talk to him to see where he got it from. Thanks, " This is getting weird.

Well, free use doesn't mean that you don't even do the courtesy of asking for permission.

And giving no credits goes above and beyond.

BS cos they’ve been good at deleting comments. Why would they delete them then

I tried to report the video and get it taken down, but youtube denied me and claimed that they need more information before they can take action. I already provided them with the screenplay. Really not sure what else I can do? :(

Zack, it might seem like an obvious question, but did you link to the site here, the feedback given, the permissions required, and the previous film with your name attached?

Not to mention the link already on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/LjAghHU9GDY

- with your name attached - actually, your name as top billing on that one.

Quoted from Zack I tried to report the video and get it taken down, but youtube denied me and claimed that they need more information before they can take action. I already provided them with the screenplay. Really not sure what else I can do? :(

Tell them it contains Covid conspiracy.  They'll take it down.

Quoted from LC Zack, it might seem like an obvious question, but did you link to the site here, the feedback given, the permissions required, and the previous film with your name attached? Not to mention the link already on YouTube: https://youtu.be/LjAghHU9GDY - with your name attached - actually, your name as top billing on that one.

I didn't post a link to the discussion board(the links are always broken :( ), but I did send them a link to the other version of the short. Not sure what else I can do.

I've been trying to get the filmmaker to do the right thing and simply take the video down. Still waiting on a response...

Quoted from eldave1 Tell them it contains Covid conspiracy.  They'll take it down.

Lmao! Be funny if that actually worked.

I'm very proud to have my name attached to this. :)

Wowee!

Well, they definitely added to your original.
Did you see the script rewrite beforehand?

Did you get reimbursed in any way? Cause I think you should have.

I personally love your original script.

This revamp is great though, very pro, very slick. Lots of awards.
I kept thinking the other guy was going in the grave so that kept me on my toes.

Took me a while to find the subtitles.  ;D

I did see the rewrites and I approved of them. :)

I was not reimbursed. But a writing credit is good enough for me.

Thank you for the kind words, Libby. Happy to hear that you enjoyed it. And don't feel bad... I couldn't find the subtitles at first either. ;D:P

High-quality production there! Congrats!

Quoted from eldave1 High-quality production there! Congrats!

Appreciate it, Dude. :)

Will be checking this out a bit later, but congrats on another one in the bag, you're killing it, mate!

They did a great job on this, very professional looking film.

SPOILER.....................................................................

The ending is a bit more Fight Club-esque in this iteration.

Definitely one to be proud of!

Congrats Zack! Quite different than the other one in the woods. Really pro looking! 8)

Quoted from Warren They did a great job on this, very professional looking film. SPOILER..................................................................... The ending is a bit more Fight Club-esque in this iteration. Definitely one to be proud of!

Thanks, Dude. Wasn't sure how I felt about the new ending at first, but it's quickly growing in me. :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Congrats Zack! Quite different than the other one in the woods. Really pro looking! 8)

Thanks, Pia.  :) :)