Hey Simon....
A nice little story. Loved the twist in the end.
Here are a few suggestions.
1. Try to avoid overwriting.
Quoted Text
He comes over to his bike and sees that its chain has been
broken. He picks it up to take a look, then throws it down in
disgust.
TYLER
Great, now I've got to walk home.
CUT TO:
|
Can be written like this:
He comes over to his bike and sees that its chain has been
broken. He sighs.
No need for the dialogue. A SIGH would be enough.
2. Tylor figures out that one BOOP means Yes and TWO BOOPS means No very easily. You should have played there with something creative.
3.
Quoted Text Tyler sits and watches impressed as the robot using his dad's
tools begins to rebuild his own legs.
TYLER
I get picked on and beaten up on
almost every single day and I hate
it. There are three of them. Just
because my dad owes their dads
money I get bullied. It's never
ending. I used to love going to
school, now just thinking about
going makes me sick. And no one
helps me. Not my own dad, not any
of my teachers. But you could,
couldn't you?
The robot takes a break from what it's doing and looks up at
Tyler. |
Okay. So you want to convey the backstory to the audience. But it feels abrupt. It can be smoothed out. Something like this...
Tyler sits and watches impressed as the robot using his dad's tools begins to rebuild his own legs.
TYLER
I wish I could be a genius like you. Handling my own problems with so much ease. But I get picked on and beaten up on almost every single day and I hate it. (Beat) Just because my dad owes their dads money I get bullied. It's never-ending. I used to love going to school, now just thinking about going makes me sick. And no one helps me. Not my own dad, not any of my teachers.
The robot takes a break from what it's doing and looks up at Tyler.
This way you can make it more emotional. Don't directly jump on the help part.
SPOILER
04. When Robot is walking with Tyler on the street. Let those 3 guys watch them without Tyler noticing and let all those 3 attacks Tyler again. And then the Robot kills them. It will give more shock value.