Hey Sarah by Dominick Ottone - Short, Drama - {no logline}  7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Dominick

I enjoyed the premise and the script  But there were some very frequent grammatical errors in this, including the overuse of capitals, which made the piece a bit frustrating to read in places.

Not sure if the interlude with the friend in the shady neighbourhood added anything to the script.

Some redundant actions like:  "He doesn’t know WHAT to say."... and: "pulls out the bedazzled cellphone he got from Larry"

Good luck with it. CB

This was a decent little story.

Sounds a bit odd when you used water and rain to describe characters wiping tears away.

Was hoping to know what happened to Sarah. Did she dies from illness .... from an accident? Did Jordan have a part to play in here death, did he cause it somehow?

If possible, perhaps have a flashback at the end that shows what happened while we hear Jordan's message to her phone.