Horror Birthday Present by Simon Parker - Short, Horror, No Dialogue - Missing his 4 years old birthday party, a hard working cop chases down a suspected murder. Losing him, this murderer has magical powers and has transformed himself into a small doll. Our hero cop unwittingly takes this doll home with him as a present for his daughter. 2 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The logline is way too long.

Quoted Text A cop takes a doll home as a present for his daughter, unaware that the doll inhabits the spirit of a murder suspect.

Either way, the plot sounds like the Child's Play/Chucky franchise.

Logline is terrible and the writing that follows is also very poor.

I only read and comment on scripts where the writer (a) responds to the comments made and (b) has already or intends to read scripts by others and offer them feedback. Please respond if you agree with these conditions. If so, I'll be glad to read and comment on your script.

I agree.  Your script reads too much like "Child's Play".  When the soul goes into the doll, that is the basis of "Child's Play".  "The eyes turn red".  I like that.  You didn't know Chucky was possessed by an evil spirit by looking at him.  Here, in your script, you show the soul as a demon entering the body of a doll, and the eyes turning red.  Pretty cool transformation.

Still, too much like the "Chucky story" which has been beaten into the ground by movie companies.  I really don't know how to guide you on this one.

Hey, Simon

Others have already commented on the similarities to "Child's Play," so I'll focus on some mechanics that hopeful will help not matter what story you write next.

Too much tell.

Quoted Text Robert now runs A BAR WORKER, 19, now steps and suddenly transforms into a cloud of smoke. This smoke then pours

You already writing in the present tense, so everything is occurring as shown, saying “now,” “suddenly,” and “then” are markers that indicate you are trying to tell rather than show us what’s happening. Just let it happen.

Quoted Text Robert runs A BAR WORKER, 19, steps and transforms into a cloud of smoke. This smoke pours

One drawback from too much telling is that you get moment’s like this

"He’s intrigued by it, but doesn’t know why?"

How do we know on the screen? Yes, you told us here on the page, but you are writing for the screen and what people will see. I would suggest using interjections like this sparingly and even when used include something we can see that captures what you are trying to communicate

BLB