Hey guys, as a few of you know, I've been developing my first original feature screenplay for a couple of years now. It's been tough, for sure. But with the help and encourgement of a couple of cool peeps, I think I'm finally on the right track.  :)

Surprise. It's a horror script! ;D Writing this with an extremely small budget in mind, which is certainly tricky. It's definitely an homage to 80's slasher flicks, even though it's set in the 90's.  :P Guess I should give a logline...

While hiking in the Vernon Grove Hills, a group of friends discover a traumatized and badly injured girl on the trail. None of them are prepared for the horror that follows.

I know it's not the most original concept ever. The way I've structured the this, I believe, gives it a unique spin. Definitely trying to keep this unpredictable.

Anyone who is interested in reading the opening sequence, which is 15 pages, just PM me your email. I'm really curious what hardcore horror fans think, as they are definitely my target audience.

I'm always happy to give a read, Zack. You looking for anything in particular in notes?

Thanks, Sean. I'm really trying to get this opening sequence down to 10 pages. Also want to know if the writing itself is clear and easy to visualize. And I can always use some tips on how to punch up my characters.

Sent the script your way, Dude. ;D

Zack, do you have a working title?

You know I love ya, right Zack? But, why not post what you've got? I hate being a hard arse but read the Sticky on WIP (not just you, btw) otherwise it sounds like y'all are looking for script review exchange, or reads and opinions via PM..

Simple rules to make this board more effective for those who need help.

1. Use the screenplay title in the topic, if it has no title say Untitled (genre of script) if not it will be locked and reported.
2. Don't post scripts that aren't at least halfway done.

Since 2005 when this went up things seem to have become a lot more lenient re the half-day done proviso, but at least post a link otherwise this is just a big ol' teaser.

Hey, Libby.  Fixed the title, my bad. Yes, this is less than halfway done. I do have a full character sheet, a full timeline for the mythology I've created, a complete story outline, and I've even have drawn up a map to use for position reference. I'll set up a drop box and share a link in a moment.

Like I said, I'm approaching this from a different angle. It's definitely a slasher flick in the woods, but it's also a non-stop chase flick.

I'd like to get some feed back on the long opening sequence I've written. Alot is going on in the opening and I want to make sure readers are able to follow everything that happens.

If this isn't the right thread to get feedback on this, let me know and I'll take it elsewhere.

Sounds like you've put a lot of work into this, Zack.

Yep, this is the right spot, twas just missing the link... but that's on its way so all good.
Good luck with this.  :D

Link to the opening here - https://www.dropbox.com/s/sy6rq2dkw43uiga/RUNNING%20IN%20THE%20WOODS.pdf?dl=0

Just a heads up, Zack, I'm not a horror person. But, good luck with the feature. =)

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Just a heads up, Zack, I'm not a horror person. But, good luck with the feature. =)

Thanks for taking a look at it, Sean. Much appreciated. ;D

Zack: keeping in mind that I've only read one or two horrors (really not my genre).

Expertly written - everything is clean and crisp and perfectly clear.

I thought the action sequences were an A+.

I thought the dialogue was a B when it came to the family members and a C when it came to the teenagers. Nothing really wrong, but nothing really special that made any of the characters pop. hope you know what I mean.

Pace - maybe too fast. I know - weird comment, but 14 pages in we already got 4 corpses. I think I would have liked a little slower burn - but again - not a horror expert so take that with a grain of salt.

Lot of talent here.  Solid writing.

Thanks for reading through this and for the compliments, Dave. :) I've got Mr. Bush to thank for a lot of the writing. He's really been helping me iron out a bunch of my writing issues. Wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for him.

Agreed on the dialog. Any tips or suggestions on how I could punch it up a bit?

I know the pacing is a bit odd, but the entire script will be a, pretty much, nonstop chase sequence. Lol. I'm gonna sprinkle in a few moments where the audience can breathe, but these moments will be far and few between. :)

Quoted from Zack Agreed on the dialog. Any tips or suggestions on how I could punch it up a bit?

An old trick I used when I first wrote Andretta. Pick three characteristics (primary, secondary, tertiary) you'd use to describe each of your characters. The second most prevalent (secondary) should be the one you use to define their dialogue.

If "wry", for example, is their secondary, their dialogue would be infused with dark humor. If it's "polite", maybe they address people as "sir" and "ma'am". Start there. Adjust as needed.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde An old trick I used when I first wrote Andretta. Pick three characteristics (primary, secondary, tertiary) you'd use to describe each of your characters. The second most prevalent (secondary) should be the one you use to define their dialogue. If "wry", for example, is their secondary, their dialogue would be infused with dark humor. If it's "polite", maybe they address people as "sir" and "ma'am". Start there. Adjust as needed.

Interesting approach. I'll give it a try and see how it comes out. Thanks, Dude. :)

Quoted from Mr. Blonde An old trick I used when I first wrote Andretta. Pick three characteristics (primary, secondary, tertiary) you'd use to describe each of your characters. The second most prevalent (secondary) should be the one you use to define their dialogue. If "wry", for example, is their secondary, their dialogue would be infused with dark humor. If it's "polite", maybe they address people as "sir" and "ma'am". Start there. Adjust as needed.

This is good advice, IMO.

Also -watch the age. e.g., this:

Quoted Text AMY You big ol’ perv. Quit it.

Doesn't sound like a present day teenager. Sounds like it was set in the 60s.

In terms of the advice - above - here's an example:

Quoted Text DEBBIE (CONT) Whoa. Have you ever seen a moon like that? Paul follows her gaze, looks to the sky. He smirks. PAUL That’s pretty crazy, huh? CLOSE ON Amy as she stares up at the moon. DEBBIE (under her breath) Pretty creepy...

AN opportunity to distinguish Paul is an intellect.e.g.,


CLOSE ON Amy as she stares up at the moon.

DEBBIE
(under her breath)
That's pretty creepy...

PAUL
Just a blood moon. It nearly always appears coppery red during a total lunar eclipse. That’s because the dispersed light from all the Earth’s sunrises and sunsets falls on the face --

DEBBIE
Stop.

PAUL
Sorry - thought it would help if --

DEBBIE
Doesn't make it any less creepy.

So now Paul is the nerdy intellect type. You can use that in future dialogue.

And maybe Debbie is the anti-nature girl. Why not have her nose buried in a smart phone frustrated that she can't get a signal.

That type of stuff.

Hey, Dave. This is set in the 90s, so I think people, especially younger people, still talked with a little political incorrectness(is that even a word? ). Also, no smart phones. Lol.

I do like the suggestion you made for Debbie and Paul. I don't wanna go overboard with Paul's nerdiness, but I definitely like what you're saying. Thanks, Dude. ;D

My pleasure

Quoted from Zack Hey, Dave. This is set in the 90s, so I think people, especially younger people, still talked with a little political incorrectness(is that even a word? ). Also, no smart phones. Lol. I do like the suggestion you made for Debbie and Paul. I don't wanna go overboard with Paul's nerdiness, but I definitely like what you're saying. Thanks, Dude. ;D

Yeah, well, people still said cool beans in the '90s. It was a stupid time period. Lol.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Yeah, well, people still said cool beans in the '90s. It was a stupid time period. Lol.

Definitely plan on sprinkling some of that awful 90's slang throughout the dialog where it's appropiate. I grew up in the 90's, so this shouldn't be too hard for me.

Cool Beans is definitely going in somewhere. ;D

Hey Zack,

Really solid writing. Things moving forward at an incredible pace. I am already curious about "Andagi". A quick google search told me that Andagi is a Japanese sweet dish. Lol. But I am sure it will have a different meaning in some other language. Are you going a Lovecraftian way with this or we are gonna see this creature in some well-described form? One more thing is all 4 characters Paul, Amy, Debbie, and Kurt looks (or sounds) the same. But that may be just to me.

Anyways man... great writing here.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde An old trick I used when I first wrote Andretta. Pick three characteristics (primary, secondary, tertiary) you'd use to describe each of your characters. The second most prevalent (secondary) should be the one you use to define their dialogue. If "wry", for example, is their secondary, their dialogue would be infused with dark humor. If it's "polite", maybe they address people as "sir" and "ma'am". Start there. Adjust as needed.

This is great advice. Thank you, Sean.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde An old trick I used when I first wrote Andretta. Pick three characteristics (primary, secondary, tertiary) you'd use to describe each of your characters. The second most prevalent (secondary) should be the one you use to define their dialogue. If "wry", for example, is their secondary, their dialogue would be infused with dark humor. If it's "polite", maybe they address people as "sir" and "ma'am". Start there. Adjust as needed.

That is great advice!

Read your first 14 pages. I think it does have an 80s feel to it. My only thoughts here are, where will this go next? How will you fill the following 75 or so pages? As you know, a film has to increase in its conflict/drama/tension and whatever. I understand these first 14 are just the beginning sequence, but who will this be about? Do you know where you want this to go? How it will end? Knowing that will make this be a much easier job to finish the script, IMHO.

Also, I think you need to make your character a little more distinct. Even if these characters in the beginning sequence won't be in the rest of the script, we need to feel something for them. The evil family for example, I think it would have a better effect if they actually showed remorse and sorrow for what they have to do to poor Otis rather than just being plain meanies.

Page 1.     Don't know the music. Not that it matters, but just throwing it out there because most readers don't like having to stop and google stuff. So, does it matter what music plays?

You mentioned this is purposly written as a low budget. From personal experience, writing exterior night scenes are not cheap. Learned this from having filmed Them That's Dead. Unless you have big lights, that most people would have to rent, the background will just be pitch black. We shot half of TTD on the beach under a full moon, but you couldn't see any of that. Only what was right in front of the camera. A DP friend of mine told me, I could have shot that whole sequence at the beach volleyball court at UF.

Second, I used to also have a lot of nudity and sex in my scripts. Now that I have tried to make films myself, I can tell you that it is extremely difficult to get hot young ACTORS to ditch their clothes for free. At least where I live.

Just some thoughts from my own experience.  :)

Page 3.     Digging the visuals and intrigue of Otis appearance.

No need to write CLOSE ON. Just writing his eyes dart back and forth is enough and suggest a shot in itself.

Page 4.     Proud of what he has to offer! Perfect. Made me laugh!

I'm not an English expert as you know, so I could be totally wrong here, but I'm wondering if your use of smirk isn't a little off. It's the second time in this script so far that I have had that thought.

Page 5.     The bright red blood crescent moon. Too much and not necessary. You've already described the moon. This is what we call in Swedish, tårta på tårta, a cake on top of a cake. Too much.

Scrap or scrape?

Page 6.     Little brother? No need to mention this since it becomes evident in the following dialogue.

How would an audience know Sara is the sister to the two?

Page 8.     I would've thought Otis would be out as in dead or at least unconscious by now after having had his face crunched...

Margret says Otis is special and have a purpose, then it doesn't really make sense to risk killing him by crushing his skull.

Lord of hatred. IDK, maybe a better name?

Page 10.   Missile?

Page 12.   Smart dog!

Good luck with this Zack!  :)

Quoted from Fais85 Hey Zack, Really solid writing. Things moving forward at an incredible pace. I am already curious about "Andagi". A quick google search told me that Andagi is a Japanese sweet dish. Lol. But I am sure it will have a different meaning in some other language. Are you going a Lovecraftian way with this or we are gonna see this creature in some well-described form? One more thing is all 4 characters Paul, Amy, Debbie, and Kurt looks (or sounds) the same. But that may be just to me. Anyways man... great writing here.

Thanks for taking a look at this, Faisal.

Andagis is the name of a fictional being I created for this script. In the dark times, he was worshipped as the Lord of Hatred(I know, I gotta come up with something better than that).

He can only enter our world when a special sacrifice has been offered under a rare 3 day cycle of the blood red crescent moon, which only occurs every 305 years. Once the 3 day cycle has ended, Andagis must return to his dark realm.

I totally agree that the 4 teen characters in this opening all sound a little samey. Gotta work on punching up their dialog.

Thanks again for reading, Dude.  ;D

Quoted from Grandma Bear That is great advice! Read your first 14 pages. I think it does have an 80s feel to it. My only thoughts here are, where will this go next? How will you fill the following 75 or so pages? As you know, a film has to increase in its conflict/drama/tension and whatever. I understand these first 14 are just the beginning sequence, but who will this be about? Do you know where you want this to go? How it will end? Knowing that will make this be a much easier job to finish the script, IMHO. Also, I think you need to make your character a little more distinct. Even if these characters in the beginning sequence won't be in the rest of the script, we need to feel something for them. The evil family for example, I think it would have a better effect if they actually showed remorse and sorrow for what they have to do to poor Otis rather than just being plain meanies. Page 1.     Don't know the music. Not that it matters, but just throwing it out there because most readers don't like having to stop and google stuff. So, does it matter what music plays? You mentioned this is purposly written as a low budget. From personal experience, writing exterior night scenes are not cheap. Learned this from having filmed Them That's Dead. Unless you have big lights, that most people would have to rent, the background will just be pitch black. We shot half of TTD on the beach under a full moon, but you couldn't see any of that. Only what was right in front of the camera. A DP friend of mine told me, I could have shot that whole sequence at the beach volleyball court at UF. Second, I used to also have a lot of nudity and sex in my scripts. Now that I have tried to make films myself, I can tell you that it is extremely difficult to get hot young ACTORS to ditch their clothes for free. At least where I live. Just some thoughts from my own experience.  :) Page 3.     Digging the visuals and intrigue of Otis appearance. No need to write CLOSE ON. Just writing his eyes dart back and forth is enough and suggest a shot in itself. Page 4.     Proud of what he has to offer! Perfect. Made me laugh! I'm not an English expert as you know, so I could be totally wrong here, but I'm wondering if your use of smirk isn't a little off. It's the second time in this script so far that I have had that thought. Page 5.     The bright red blood crescent moon. Too much and not necessary. You've already described the moon. This is what we call in Swedish, tårta på tårta, a cake on top of a cake. Too much. Scrap or scrape? Page 6.     Little brother? No need to mention this since it becomes evident in the following dialogue. How would an audience know Sara is the sister to the two? Page 8.     I would've thought Otis would be out as in dead or at least unconscious by now after having had his face crunched... Margret says Otis is special and have a purpose, then it doesn't really make sense to risk killing him by crushing his skull. Lord of hatred. IDK, maybe a better name? Page 10.   Missile? Page 12.   Smart dog! Good luck with this Zack!  :)

Hey Pia, thanks for looking at this.

I understand your concern for how long this opening is, but i'm really going for something different, structure wise, with this story. There won't be the typical 20-30 pages of charcter stuff before the good shit hits the screen. This is a very fast paced story.

I have this planned out from beginging to end, though I do have some kinks to work out with the very end. The main characters haven't been introduced yet. Debbie and Lon still serve important roles to story moving forward.

Agree that I need to improve my characters. The Whitmore family is all that remains of an ancient Cult that have dedicated their lives to the summoning of Andagis, the Lord of Hatred. Otis was raised specifically to be the virginal sacrifice. I think your right about how much violence Otis endures. Maybe I should dial it back at bit. If any of the family are sympathetic, I'd say it's probably Margret. There is the eldest Whitemore son, Rick, who hasn't been introduced yet. Once Rick discovered what his family was planning to do, he ran away from home. While his family has been preparing for the sacrifice, Rick has been preparing to stop them at any cost. Unfortunately, Rick arrives too late.

The specific music choices are just there to set the mood and vibe of the 90's. I know it's frowned upon, but it helps me get in the mood, so I wanna keep the music. Lol ;P

As for the nudity... Well, every good slasher needs nudity! Lol. The first 2 pages will be the only pages with nudity in the entire script. Figured I'd get it out of the way fast. ;D But even Jeff said I might be going a bit overboard. Lol ;D

Otis is meant to be barely concious, but maybe I should dial back the abuse he recieves. Or I'll have Lon and Margret scold Clay and Sara for bringing Otis to them in such a rough condition.

I do want to get this opening down to ten pages if possible.

Thanks again for the help, Pia. Always love hearing your opinions. :)

Quoted from Zack Thanks for taking a look at this, Faisal. Andagis is the name of a fictional being I created for this script. In the dark times, he was worshipped as the Lord of Hatred(I know, I gotta come up with something better than that). He can only enter our world when a special sacrifice has been offered under a rare 3-day cycle of the blood red crescent moon, which only occurs every 305 years. Once the 3 day cycle has ended, Andagis must return to his dark realm. I totally agree that the 4 teen characters in this opening all sound a little samey. Gotta work on punching up their dialog. Thanks again for reading, Dude.  ;D

Oops! My bad. It was "Andagis" and not "Andagi". Cool name though.

The 305 years cycle sounds great and it poses two very interesting questions.

1. What if no one offers any sacrifice to Andagis in those 3 days?
2. What if Andagis don't want to return? Does he have that will power? Or there is someone powerful than him out there?

Pia has some valid points. But I humbly disagree at one point. I think that Otis and his family work perfectly the way you have written. Very creepy and uncertain. There is no need to get sympathized with them. In fact, Otis gets our sympathy unknowingly. By sacrificing him these guys automatically turn into an evil.

I didn't necessarily mean that they had to be sympathetic. It just seemed unrealistic to me that they appeared to enjoy being evil and see Otis suffer. It just didn't work for me.

As far as the nudity goes, Zack, I took it that you were aiming for low budget and I was just commenting on how difficult it is to get hot, young, ACTORS to go along with being nude on screen for free or low pay, especially if their character is going to be killed off soon anyway.  :)

Quoted from Zack I do want to get this opening down to ten pages if possible.

In truth, it's overwriting and phrasing more than anything which led to the inflated page count. I know Horror operates on a system of atmosphere in the prose, but this could be cut to 10 without losing any content. Just my take.

Quoted from Grandma Bear You mentioned this is purposly written as a low budget. From personal experience, writing exterior night scenes are not cheap. Learned this from having filmed Them That's Dead. Unless you have big lights, that most people would have to rent, the background will just be pitch black. We shot half of TTD on the beach under a full moon, but you couldn't see any of that. Only what was right in front of the camera. A DP friend of mine told me, I could have shot that whole sequence at the beach volleyball court at UF.

Yes, I've been warned about the difficulties of shooting at night. Only this opening sequence and the maybe the last 15 pages take place at night. The rest takes place during the day. Will try to keep as much of this set during the daylight as possible.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I didn't necessarily mean that they had to be sympathetic. It just seemed unrealistic to me that they appeared to enjoy being evil and see Otis suffer. It just didn't work for me. As far as the nudity goes, Zack, I took it that you were aiming for low budget and I was just commenting on how difficult it is to get hot, young, ACTORS to go along with being nude on screen for free or low pay, especially if their character is going to be killed off soon anyway.  :)

Fair points, Pia.

Otis was raised since birth to be the virginal sacrifice. The family kept him as sheltered and innocent as possible. His siblings, Sara and Clay, resented Otis for all the special treatment he received, and have been very much looking forward to this night. Maybe they got a little overzealous with hurting Otis. I'll have Lon and Margret scold them for bringing him to them in such a busted up state.

As for your point on nudity... If I actually get to film this and my biggest issue is that the actress doesn't want to show her breasts, then I'll just toss her a very revealing bikini. ;D

Thanks again for taking your time to give me tips and advice. Really means a lot to me. :)

Quoted from Fais85 1. What if no one offers any sacrifice to Andagis in those 3 days? 2. What if Andagis don't want to return? Does he have that will power? Or there is someone powerful than him out there?

Sorry I missed this, Faisal.

1. If there is no sacrifice under the blood crescent moon, Andagis will remain in his own realm. I'll share the timeline I've created.



RUNNING IN THE WOODS TIMELINE

1389, August 13th-15th - Grigamm, Norway. Under the rare blood crescent moon, a small child is sacrificed by the Cult of Hate and Andagis is successfully summoned. The entire fishing village of Grigamm is slaughtered by Andagis, who subsequently returns to his realm after the 3-day blood crescent moon cycle ended. All signs of the Cult of Hate disappear as if they never existed.

1694, August 13th - Salem, Massachusetts. Descendants of the Cult of Hate attempt to sacrifice a virgin girl at the start of the blood crescent moon's cycle, but the ritual is stopped by the local town posse. The majority of the Cult of Hate is slaughtered. Before he dies, the leader of the Cult threatens that Andagis will one day return, and he'll be more savage than ever before.

1999, August 13th - Vernon Grove, Ohio. Descendants of the Cult are extremely minor in number, just a single family of 6. The Whitmore family. They have lived in Vernon Grove for generations, preparing for the start of the next blood crescent moon cycle. The Whitmore's sacrifice their youngest son, Otis, and resurrect Andagis, who proceeds to attack the Whitmore family. Andagis then turns his blood rage on a group of unwitting teenagers camping in the hills nearby.

1999, August 14th - Haley, Jack, Gwen, and Eric hike through the Hills, on their way to the lake. On the trail, they encounter the bloodied lone survivor of the group of teenagers, who warns them to run just before killed right in front of them. And with that, we're off.



The meat of the film will essentially be a long chase sequence. It'll be extremely fast paced.

For your second question, Andagis very much wants to return. He feeds off the fear and suffering of mortals. He's very angry about not being summoned during the last cycle.

Quoted from Zack Sorry I missed this, Faisal. 1. If there is no sacrifice under the blood crescent moon, Andagis will remain in his own realm. I'll share the timeline I've created. RUNNING IN THE WOODS TIMELINE 1389, August 13th-15th - Grigamm, Norway. Under the rare blood crescent moon, a small child is sacrificed by the Cult of Hate and Andagis is successfully summoned. The entire fishing village of Grigamm is slaughtered by Andagis, who subsequently returns to his realm after the 3-day blood crescent moon cycle ended. All signs of the Cult of Hate disappear as if they never existed. 1694, August 13th - Salem, Massachusetts. Descendants of the Cult of Hate attempt to sacrifice a virgin girl at the start of the blood crescent moon's cycle, but the ritual is stopped by the local town posse. The majority of the Cult of Hate is slaughtered. Before he dies, the leader of the Cult threatens that Andagis will one day return, and he'll be more savage than ever before. 1999, August 13th - Vernon Grove, Ohio. Descendants of the Cult are extremely minor in number, just a single family of 6. The Whitmore family. They have lived in Vernon Grove for generations, preparing for the start of the next blood crescent moon cycle. The Whitmore's sacrifice their youngest son, Otis, and resurrect Andagis, who proceeds to attack the Whitmore family. Andagis then turns his blood rage on a group of unwitting teenagers camping in the hills nearby. 1999, August 14th - Haley, Jack, Gwen, and Eric hike through the Hills, on their way to the lake. On the trail, they encounter the bloodied lone survivor of the group of teenagers, who warns them to run just before killed right in front of them. And with that, we're off. The meat of the film will essentially be a long chase sequence. It'll be extremely fast paced. For your second question, Andagis very much wants to return. He feeds off the fear and suffering of mortals. He's very angry about not being summoned during the last cycle.

This sounds pretty cool.

Actually, you can open your screenplay with the massacre (1694). The old woman curses before she is slaughtered. This way, in the beginning, the audience will think that people being slaughtered are innocents. This will also create a foundation for "Andagis".

Then you can cut to the present-day with your existing first scene.

Later, you can show an oil painting of that old woman in the Whitmore family's house.

Just an idea. :)

I had actually considered opening this during the 1694, but figured the opening was too long as it is. Maybe I'll write up a short sequence and see how it fits.

Love your idea of the oil painting of the old woman in the Whitmore's house. That would be a pretty good tie in.