The Magic Candy by Dark Tower - Short, Horror, Family - Some Halloween candy purchased over the internet has some very peculiar qualities. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

First one of the bunch, and I chose this because it was on the bottom.

The logline does not work for me at all, but that's no big thang - I just wanted to point it out.

Opening Slug - "STREET" is not very visual or unique, but what makes it "bad" is how you repeated it with your 2nd word in the passage that follows.  You then jump to carved pumpkins, which I highly doubt are anywhere near this street - they should be on front porches, I would assume.

You have a SUPER right after your Slug.  Usually...or always, you want your SUPER to follow something visual - as in unless it's OVER BLACK, and you tell us that, a SUPER appears onscreen over whatever the opening visual is.  You get me?

2nd Slug - "SAME NIGHT"?  Huh?  Never seen that before and I hope I never do again.

"A blood curdling SCREAM is HEARD o.c. Budd doesn’t hear it." - Poorly phrased.  "o.c." - "OS".  Telling us that Budd doesn't hear it isn't the way you want to write in a script.

Page 2 - I've seen this so many times and every time I just can't help myself but to laugh literally out loud.  Using "FRONT DOOR" as a Slug is just plain weird.  INT. FRONT DOOR - so, we're inside the front door?   ;D ;D ;D  The reality is that you're actually in whatever room contains the front door.  You get me?

Calling the cops by "normal" names seems odd.

Page 3 - Why is "James" shouting at everyone in the last dialogue block?  Strange to say the least.  Why these 2 cops would show up here is also odd.  The entire setup is odd, unrealistic, and dull, sorry to say.

Numerous pages of literally nothing but dialogue and it's all very unconvincing dialogue.  I really don't see how in the world this can go on another 7 or 8 pages...and I'm worried for my own sanity, as well.

Page 7 - sorry, but this is really bad. It's just rambling from 1 thing to the next and nothing matters at all.  There's no story here.  There's no action here.  There are no realistic and believable characters.  Hell, there's no likeable characters.

Page 8 - "DISSOLVE" - Why?  Why, why, why use a transition here?  You don't need it.  You don't want it.  Just don't use them like this, as they're a complete waste.

Lots of passive writing on display.  So many better ways to write than continually using "is".

Majority of these full Slugs should be Mini Slugs.

The end - I don't get it...at all.  Makes zero sense, really isn't horror at all, is so overwritten and poorly written.  Just a true chug to get through.  I'm actually very proud of myself for reading the entire script, as normally I wouldn't.

*

There was only one scream at the beginning of the script that only Mable heard which she mistakenly believed was coming from a TV. As Budd and Mable and the kids are written, the scream has nothing to do with happens afterwards. The story goes off on a tangent from there. Their dialogue seems worn and predictable. Some format errors and typos. It's a nice attempt.

Half a page in and we get the scream. You were quick to get that done with. Even though it has nothing to do with the actually story I guess it's one way to go about it.

38 pieces of dialogue in a row ... that's the most I've ever seen. For something that takes up this much space in the story you'd think would be more interesting than it was. It was fairly bland to be honest. If you decide to do a re-write I say focus on having more conflict or something in this bit. Perhaps a child of one of the officers was one of the kids who got sick.

Didn't get any feel for horror in this one. The ending maybe a bit?

The banter in the beginning reminded me of my parents. Ugh, so much unnecessary yelling. I think the writer has parents/grandparents that do this?

Anyway, was the scream just from the TV? I guess that counts. But I don't see the after party clean up. Did they have a Halloween party that Mable already cleaned up? Not sure this effort qualifies. What do others think?

I was so hoping that the 'candy' would turn out to be deer droppings. Writers are missing the opportunity to squeeze in the extra credit! Not really, but it would win points with me.

The story was okay. Good effort, writer.

Is this some weird biblical take on temptation and punishment e.g.  Lot's wife turning to a pillar of salt?

The dangers inherent in buying things off the Internet.  ;D Grandma turns to a pillar of salt then crumbles. Magic candy. No actual party to speak off, was the scream there? Okay, it was there. And, a manufacturer warning at the end.? Atheists and disobedient children.:) A very different entry.

Candy bowel is an unfortunate typo. To make the mistake three times?   ::)
No time for a proofread? Maybe your eyes were glazing over at 2am.

"Bowel" instead of bowl. I'm more amused by annoyed at that one!

Have to say you had me going with the build up. It was a good concept and I wanted to know what the candy was going to do. But in my mind I was thinking that everyone who ate it would be affected and hell would break loose. I was a bit deflated at the end.

Writing was better than most.

No argument with any of the comments above.  I liked the idea behind this one, despite not much in the way of horror.  A twist at the end would have been nice.  As it stands, I was a little disappointed in the ending.

Random thought, We’ve never seen a need to use continuous yet in our own screenplays, but I won't excoriate someone for doing it. But... and there is always a but... it is obvious to me that all those scenes are happening right after one another.  Therefore, I just didn't think you needed them.

Ghostie

I won't reiterate all of the format and typo issues noted above - but pay attention to them - this needs a lot of work in that regard.

To me the scream really didn't play any part in the story - I think it should have - I'm not voting so I suppose that doesn't matter.

I know you only had a week, so it's going to be tough to get something done, but there are basic things - already pointed out - that you want to have on auto-pilot.

Alright, let's see how this one goes. :) I'm not gonna go into the technical too much.

You've clearly established that Budd wears a hearing aid.

Linda wearing a Wonder Woman costume? Nice shout out.

Quoted Text That’s why we put it in the bowel bowl with the rest of the candy.

A bowel is a butt.

Quoted Text A near-empty bowel with a few Tootsie Rolls.

Unintentional poop gag.

Quoted Text Everything about Mable is slowly beginning to lose human definition and morphs into...

You never finish this thought.

SALT?

You forgot to fade out.

The story was quite good, the characters quite believable. Dialogue wasn't too off-putting. Good job and entering. It was a fun, cute, scary read.

The introduction of the sound was very good, I thought. The first bit of dialogue following the scream is exactly how married couples talk to - and banter with - each other. A sound Budd can't hear cos of his hearing aid. A jab and 'turn your hearing aid on'. I thought that was funny and a good start. Could see that scene so clearly.

Once we find Linda magically appearing (can't find her being introduced before that), the story took a dive. It became hard for me to retain interest / focus, so I gave up as the dialogue started ricocheting around like a pinball.

To be fair, the fact it went over my head might just be me.

The scream was there, but it had no bearing on the story. Just paying lip service to a requirement is a stretch for me.

The setup is kind of interesting, especially when the so-called magic candy was revealed to already be out in the wild, given to half the neighborhood. That felt horrifying. Unfortunately, that feeling was quickly undermined by five full pages of dialogue that was little more than witty banter and didn't address the fact that the kids might have poisoned a bunch of kids. If the characters don't take it seriously, why should we?

It seems that horrible feeling was for nothing anyway. The whole point of the story was to show the dangers of atheism, or perhaps being a disobedient child, punished like Lot's wife for disobeying God.

At least there's a message in this one, as screwy as it is.

hello

logline - suggestive but not enough for a logline

small point but I would give the cops titles for their characters in the dialogue so that we can remember them easily - there were six voices at any one time

in some ways this stood out since it dealt with treats/sweets etc, and that aspect of halloween, more than others

the idea of buying some candy etc off the internet and it not working out seems a fine idea - who knows what could emerge

at the moment it felt like two different genres bolted on - a family drama and twliglight zone type conclusion

has a kind of theme of temptation running through it

has something but you would need to settle on the type of script you wish to produce.

Another pretty lighthearted one. I like the concept of poison candy, actually surprised more people didn't go that route with this OWC. The writing isn't awful, but could definitely be tightened up a bit.

The ending here just doesn't work for me. Nothing interesting to sink my teeth into here. It needs some kind of twist or something.

Still, not a bad effort.


:-/

Hello writer,


This didn't come across as a horror type story for me.  You worked a scream in, but I don't think it served as part of the plot.  Your writing seems fine. The only place I noticed and it's probably not a big deal is you have a parenthetical that she is shouting, and then you cap the dialogue plus use an exclamation mark.  The reason I say that is, I was told it was overkill when I did something similar.  

Quoted Text MABLE Mable Johnson, yes...? (shouts to Budd) BUDD... IT'S THE POLICE! (to James) Something wrong, officer?

You had a lot of dialogue for sure. I think you could have trimmed it a bit and been ok.  
I think it would have been a little easier to follow if you named your cop characters in the dialogue Officer James and Officer  Alice, instead of just James and Alice.  That's just my opinion.   I bet ole Mable wishes she was a believer now. Lol.   Good luck!


All the best.  

Hello writer

I am on page 7 and nothing has happened yet - a lot of talking, nothing visual, nothing scary, a "scream" that came from the TV (which IMHO should lead to a DQ)
In a short, you should really get to the point quicker. And keep things visual, ultimately screenplays are meant to be seen, not just read.

OK, writer. I'm treating this as if you are new to the craft.

You have a lot to learn about proper storytelling. Read the books, read screenplays, get involved with other screenwriters to get some help and critique on your work.
But most of all, be patient and keep at it... we all start somewhere and this writing stuff is a marathon, not a sprint.

Good luck to you

This was an awful lot of talking and not enough action. And I didn't get a horror vibe at all. And shortly after the cops showed up I couldn't remember if they were still there because everyone else was just talking, talking talking.

This could have been interesting if you cut out A LOT of the banter and had more action like you squeezed in at the end.

Hello!

p4 this is good so far

p5-p6 dialogue eventually weakens the script and brings the plot to a halt. Far too much Q and A style. You actually lose my whole enthusiasm from the nice exposition there.
In general, dialogue almost never brings a story forward when you need to accelerate the plot.

top of p9 – why would she do that?

I appreciate your attempt to try push it into a field of originality as far as you could, however it didn't convince me as a coherent form of a story.

Not sure why you let them talk that much when the story would have been more interesting, to me at least, when including the people/characters who produce the magic candy. In other words, you left out the cool myth stuff and give us the overlong cop-talk.

Title and build-up were ace though.

No catastrophe, no true greatness, it's a mildly okay for me. Keep it going.

On p2, The police are outside of the house, probably on the porch. We are still are an INT. as Budd and Mabel are still inside. On p3, a "new scene" that is CONTINUOUS merely has the officers enter the home. It seems to me you don't  need it, it's the same location. Heck, you probably don't even need Front Door.  (Living Room will do)

The dialog between Budd, Mable and the two cops could be shortened up and characters should get to the point.

Quoted Text BOBBY That’s why we put it in the bowel with the rest of the candy.

Quoted Text Mable gets a large plastic bowel from the table, shows it to James and Alice. INSERT: A near-empty bowel with a few Tootsie Rolls.

Amazing what a spelling error can do. ...the last one made me laugh a little. Trust me, I ALMOST want you to get away with that one.   ;)

Quoted Text Bobby hesitates for a beat

Just say Bobby hesitates.  

Quoted Text INT. BUDD’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Budd is snoring. INT. BUDD’S HOUSE - BOBBY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Bobby is sleeping soundly. INT. BUDD’S HOUSE - LINDA’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Linda is sleeping soundly

Minimalist nonsense. And bad grammar. and repetitive. And while there's nothing really wrong with it, we know it's BUDD'S HOUSE.  You can simply write BOBBY'S ROOM in one scene and LINDA'S ROOM in the other.

Script takes a long, long time to get where it was going, and doesn't seem to really go anywhere.

So...you eat the sweets, and if you are an atheist or a bad kid you turn into a pillar of salt?  Come on,now. How about y'know...sugar candy? Like that stuff in Pixie Sticks or Sweet Tarts? Just sayin'

Well written and a good story idea, but the script consists mostly of dialogue. Nothing really happens until Mable follows the ritual and eats the candy. Turning her into a statue seems an extreme punishment just for being an Unbeliever. However, for a buck-and-a-half you do get a lot of bang!

This must be written by a young person, lol. They sound and act more like they are in their seventies. Hearing aid? Have you seen them nowadays. They are tiny little things you can't hardly see. I don't use one, but I'm guessing that you don't turn them on and off like Budd did.

Why is it only Budd's house? They both live there and their last name is Johnson.

Gentlemen? Isn't Alice female?

Almost six pages of dialogue.

Page seven and no horror yet.

Bowel should be bowl.

Why would Mable want to try the candy when she was told by the police that several kids were in the hospital?

I like the idea of the bad candy bought online, but was less keen on what you did with that idea.