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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October, 2019 One Week Challenge  /  For The Love of Satan - OWC
Posted by: Don, October 11th, 2019, 11:16pm
For The Love of Satan by Al Gore - Short, Horror, Action - A man must sacrifice his wife for the love of Satan. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: Anon, October 12th, 2019, 8:22am; Reply: 1
Well you're a sick puppy. But I can't fault the writing. And it certainly has something I've never seen before. I think I'm only five in on my alphabetical review system, but I've got the most entertainment value out of this so far.

I'd say this is more comedy horror than action horror but whatever. A contender.
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, October 12th, 2019, 8:50am; Reply: 2
I'm never been a big fan of telling actors how to speak exaggerated words.(p4) When you intentionally have to misspell a word in order to get the desired pronunciation effect, in my mind, it's not just a spelling error, it's actor instruction on top of it. Endless Excessive trailer trash profanity also gets a bit grating for me. Shock value only goes so far. It has its limits.

Crazy gore, crazy characters, now I'm getting looney too. What was this about again? I don't think there was much of a story here.  Sorry.



Posted by: JEStaats, October 12th, 2019, 4:45pm; Reply: 3
Well written for what it is. A slash and splash gore fest, for sure. One prob is that there's not much story behind it all. For the party being over, there sure were a lot of visitors that walk in like they own the place. Pumpkin was known by Doc but her visit seemed a little off. I didn't understand the cut to Skeleton's phone with 911 being dialed but left in his car.

I'm pretty certain I know who wrote this (good job).
Posted by: currentcmine, October 12th, 2019, 6:45pm; Reply: 4
You've got some edgy dialogue from Doc and supporting cast. Jazzy narrative in places to complement the genre. Downside is that deaf persons can sense loud vibrations without hearing. All the crashing and clatter and gunshots might not be heard, but it could be sensed as tactile vibrations. That would give away Doc's actions. The audience has to suspend too much disbelief. And it gets over the top. Too bad the ending doesn't have more of a twist, say, Nurse does the shooting for good riddance.
Posted by: Zack, October 12th, 2019, 7:47pm; Reply: 5
Holy shit. This one is pretty fuckin' nuts! I loved it.

Some of your action descriptions were a little awkwardly written, but the rest of the writing read pretty well to me. It was a fast read, so that's a plus.

Solid character work and some really good dialog.

Criteria has been met. Not much else to say. The best one yet.


:o
Posted by: eldave1, October 12th, 2019, 8:11pm; Reply: 6
I liked the premise of a deaf wife - clever. Somehow this didn't do it for me. Did not enjoy the read. Part of the problem for me was that it seemed almost impossible that Nurse, even though deaf, would not be aware of what was going on - and yeah, I got the ending - but Doc assumed she didn't know what was going on as well. A lot of gore for gore's sake.
Posted by: khamanna, October 12th, 2019, 8:38pm; Reply: 7
This is crazy and imaginative and exaggerated - all of which is good because your descriptions did it for me. Dialog too - crazy enough to match your crazy characters.
But man... I couldn’t understand the point. It actually started when I realized I was not invested as much. Cos u didn’t introduce the problem, the thought behind it I think. At least for me that’s how it felt - unfocused.
Posted by: LC, October 12th, 2019, 9:14pm; Reply: 8
Thank God you added that last line. Deaf, not blind.  ;D I was thinking the same thing...

Still, this is unnecessary:

COP
Some poor girl. Dressed like the
Devil and she’s sure as shit been
through hell. Sexually assaulted
for sure but my God ... what the
twisted fuck did to her after ...
no one should die like that.

- And over the top. A mistake in he tone of the comedy-horror, imh.
Loved her, oblivious, washing the glasses surrounded by utter mayhem. Loved him confessing to his affair falling on deaf ears.

Hit and miss for me.
Could be a hit with some strategic editing.
Posted by: ghost and_ghostie gal, October 13th, 2019, 4:05am; Reply: 9
Holy crap this is one of these rarities that appear in the OWCs from time to time that's so hard to judge, because it's either a work of genius, or the rantings of a lunatic. Tough to tell which...

There is a difference between "its" and "it's". Do you know what it is?  Yes.  Ah, hum...a refresher then.  Ok, "its" without an apostrophe is possessive. "The dog lost its collar." With an apostrophe, the word is a contraction of "it is". "I think it's too dangerous to chase Santa." (Translation: "it is too dangerous.") Note that when the pronoun "it" is possessive, it does not have an apostrophe, unlike nouns, which do have apostrophes when they are possessive.

Ugh. Honestly, I feel like apologizing for lecturing you on this,  but I would not even have mentioned it except that you did it a couple of times.  You had a few other minor issues, but I will not go into them.

I'm not too crazy about writers who wink at the audience.  Meaning... cutesy descriptions. A buff-body in a costume tighter than a hipster’s jeans....as liquidized organs leave a melon-sized exit wound, etc., truthfully, can be cut.  But it seems they're a part of your voice.  So... fair enough.  Personally, I like to think of screenplays as documents for people who hate to read, so save them as much reading as possible.

I'm not really into gory stuff.  Normally I would have skimmed over those parts, but that's personal taste, not a comment on your writing.  You write well and there is something compelling going on with it.   That said, didn't hate it by any means, didn't love it, either, entertaining, yes.

Phew!  I really hope this is helpful. :)Good luck!-Andrea

Posted by: ChrisBodily, October 13th, 2019, 7:02am; Reply: 10
The title grabbed me immediately. Al Gore. Nice horror pun. Tell Tipper to lighten up about music. ;D

I just noticed no FADE IN:

Not a good sign.

Bold slugs. Some people like 'em, some don't.

Why is Champagne capitalized? And no space in P. Diddy.

"blood-spattered" needs a hyphen.


Quoted Text
Doc stands shoulder-to-shoulder and watches her dry the
blade. Her hands move up and down the metal. It isn’t sensual
but Doc’s eyebrows say otherwise.


I love this paragraph.

And the next.


Quoted Text
She gives him a “you weirdo” look. Grips the blade by the
handle and places it on the side.


You've said so much without dialogue. Excellent job.


Quoted Text
Close up


There is almost no reason to include camera direction is a script. That's the job of the director and/or cinematographer. They usually only appear in shooting scripts.


Quoted Text
Behind her, Doc grooves around the kitchen-island. Stops and
opens a

DRAWER

The place old keys and bits of wire go to die.


This reads better and implies a new shot.

It isn't necessary to capitalize "your daddy."

You might need a few more commas.


Quoted Text
UP CLOSE: there’s fresh fingerprints on the metal handle.


This shot already implies a closeup. Details this minuscule are so small/subtle that only a closeup can truly capture them. That being said, see above about camera angles.

Satan is a proper name and must be capitalized.


Quoted Text
DOC
She was here tonight. The sexy [] (S)atan. And God-damned she’s hot
enough to pull it off. So hot I
couldn't resist her. Even with you
in the house. We screwed so hard
and fast in the garage I ripped her
panties to pieces and you know
what?


A bit clumsy. And long. Longer chunks of dialogue may or may not be fine, but too many can be a bad thing. Remember, not every character is Quint.


Quoted Text
DOC
So that’s it. I’m in love. And now
I’ve told you, you’ll fly into a
jealous rage.


A bit on  the nose. Your dialogue needs work all across the board.

O.C. and O.S. are both acceptable.

"Pyjamas." UK spelling? Nice.

TIL "quieten" is a word.


Quoted Text
MRS. CROMBLEHOME
Jesus butt-fucking Christ, boy!


I love this line. 8)

I had to Google what a Glock 41 looked like.


Quoted Text
She raises the shaking gun ready to fire. She can hear Barky
but a loud DRUM SOLO blinds the one sense she can rely on.


Is it In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida?

No FADE OUT. Another bad sign.

Despite this, storywise it was decently written, even though I couldn't really follow the script. That's my fault, not yours. It's late and I'm getting tired. I might have to revisit this.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, October 14th, 2019, 2:32am; Reply: 11
Hi Al

Logline - not bad, throws up an idea. Of what could play out and we are left with why?

Ok, finished.

I have to say that’s the best I’ve read so far.

It kind of felt like farce meets gore, literally from this writer.

It is a struggle to believe this could all happen, but then again that’s most horror scripts IMO. Think Shaun of the dead - yeah, not exactly believable, but still a fun film

Also, this is tightly contained, has the potential be filmed.

So, it’s weaknesses. Well, a bit like it’s strengths. The main one is whether we get into the genre aspect of the excess. Perhaps some foreshadowing would set the scene.

The end with the girl, which we don’t even see, doesn’t work for me. I would prefer her across the road, as Satan, laughing at the mayhem, as though she cursed him, set him up etc

Also, to make this believable  you may wish to consider brining in the wife’s being deaf at the start and not use it as a punch line.

All the best
Posted by: Andrew, October 14th, 2019, 11:55am; Reply: 12
Actually really like the idea and vibe you've got going.

It's a bit of mashup, with a sort of Fargo dark humour, coupled with the bizarro frenetic energy of the closing of Cabin In The Woods. That's a very interesting place for a script to be. There are a whole host of influences that totally jive with me. Suspect we would like a lot of the same films and writers.

One issue I had was the steal - intentional or not - from "Hush", with the action going on behind a deaf woman. Whilst you subvert that with the dark comedy, it was hard for me to not feel it was maybe too much of steal. There's not really much you can do with that, because it's a central plot point to the whole story, but I do think it's worth bearing in mind.

Done right, this would be a really good short film. It has all the ingredients to be pretty fucking excellent.

The main problem right now is presumably down to time being your biggest enemy. It's a very awkward read in places, and it verged on being outright frustrating, at times.

There were sequences I had to keep going back to reread, and there were a few jarring descriptions that totally take you out of the read, such as:

"Next to the sink there’s enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy’s."

"Doc taps his phone. HEAVY METAL pumps out of unseen speakers in a modern living space. Everything is minimalist. Except the interior designer’s fee."

"INSIDE: the place old keys and bits of wire go to die."

That's the type of stuff that will drive Jeff mad, and it does make me see his point about superfluous writing better.

All that said, I did very much like this one:

"The macabre make up can’t hold a candle to the horror on his real face."

That's fantastic writing.

My feeling is the difference between the two is that the last one advances the story, whilst reinforcing the comedy and horror of the situation. I think an actor would read that and it would really help illuminate the scene for them.

Whereas the other examples are unnecessarily flashy writing.

Might just be me, but would be interested to see how others view this.

The pacing feels right, and by page 4, your story really starts to click into gear. The continued appearance of new threats could be repetitive, but you handle that well. It never felt like it was getting old.

The visual of Doc speaking the truth of his affair whilst she cleans the glasses was good, although keeping it as a reveal that she is deaf just diverted attention away from the story for me, i.e. I'm thinking and wondering about why she isn't responding, especially with the red herring that he doesn't speak above music level.

Not a big issue, but the reveal itself she is deaf didn't have any real impact, for me, unlike the appearance of Pumpkin, which really jolted the story forward, and kickstarted the pretty audacious form the story then takes.

Then you have the sting in the tail at the end. You tee it up beautifully with the visual of Doc's quizzical face as he realises he's been had. Having her then reinforce her great quip with sign lanuage just works so well. It's a very, very cool and funny visual. I loved it. The kind of thing a director will be desperate to film.

I personally see enormous potential on this one. It's just some of the writing is problematic in the ways mentioned above. I feel you can be more economical and safe with the descriptions, instead focusing on those creative flourishes in the story / visuals / dialogue.

When you do that in this story, it's really, really good.

If you were filming this yourself, none of the above would really matter, but if someone was going to come across the script, you might lose an audience (or someone taking it on to film) early on because of the writing style. And that would be a big shame.

A solid rewrite without such a small timeframe would really breathe life into this, allowing you to finesse the best elements, and to tidy up some of the scruffy parts.
Posted by: eldave1, October 14th, 2019, 12:39pm; Reply: 13

Quoted from Andrew
Actually really like the idea and vibe you've got going.

There were sequences I had to keep going back to reread, and there were a few jarring descriptions that totally take you out of the read, such as:

"Next to the sink there’s enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy’s."

"Doc taps his phone. HEAVY METAL pumps out of unseen speakers in a modern living space. Everything is minimalist. Except the interior designer’s fee."

"INSIDE: the place old keys and bits of wire go to die."

That's the type of stuff that will drive Jeff mad, and it does make me see his point about superfluous writing better.

All that said, I did very much like this one:

"The macabre make up can’t hold a candle to the horror on his real face."

That's fantastic writing.

My feeling is the difference between the two is that the last one advances the story, whilst reinforcing the comedy and horror of the situation. I think an actor would read that and it would really help illuminate the scene for them.

Whereas the other examples are unnecessarily flashy writing.

Might just be me, but would be interested to see how others view this.



Rarely come back to comment - but your observation one interested me.

There were some lines - like the ones you pointed out - that I thought - brilliant, I wish I could write like that. And there were others - like the P. Piddy reference where I thought - no, just tell me the counter's filled with dozens of dirty glasses.  Same with the drawer - I thought really - it's just a drawer filled with crap - why the extra where keys go to die.

The reason this is difficult for me is that the writer has such a great style in other places, I hesitate to say - don't do this here. I mean, like I said - other places where the same style was used I thought were brilliant.

Guess the best way to put it is there were certain places where I got taken out of the story because I felt the writer - i.e, hey, it's me - here is another clever description. It hampered my immersion. Other places - same style - the writer found the perfect words to sink me right in.

How's that for a whole lot of diatribe without really saying much. Maybe - you have a gift for crafting a description - but throttle back a bit and use them when really needed.

PS - glad I re-read this - somehow I had a much more favorable view after the second time.
Posted by: Andrew, October 14th, 2019, 1:18pm; Reply: 14

Quoted from eldave1


Rarely come back to comment - but your observation one interested me.

There were some lines - like the ones you pointed out - that I thought - brilliant, I wish I could write like that. And there were others - like the P. Piddy reference where I thought - no, just tell me the counter's filled with dozens of dirty glasses.  Same with the drawer - I thought really - it's just a drawer filled with crap - why the extra where keys go to die.

The reason this is difficult for me is that the writer has such a great style in other places, I hesitate to say - don't do this here. I mean, like I said - other places where the same style was used I thought were brilliant.

Guess the best way to put it is there were certain places where I got taken out of the story because I felt the writer - i.e, hey, it's me - here is another clever description. It hampered my immersion. Other places - same style - the writer found the perfect words to sink me right in.

How's that for a whole lot of diatribe without really saying much. Maybe - you have a gift for crafting a description - but throttle back a bit and use them when really needed.


Yeah, I think the writer can be a little more judicious with the selection. It could well be my own personal preference clouding my view, though.

My thinking on each example, however:

"Next to the sink there’s enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy’s."
- I don't know what P Diddy's place would look like. It's a reference based on an unknown about what his place actually looks like. It doesn't really evoke anything for me.

"Doc taps his phone. HEAVY METAL pumps out of unseen speakers in a modern living space. Everything is minimalist. Except the interior designer’s fee."
- An interior designer is charging to make a place look minimalist. That is true, but what does that mean to the story? Could be argued that it's a nod for set dec, but that would be reaching, IMO.

"INSIDE: the place old keys and bits of wire go to die."
- Nicer way of saying it's messy, and could be read as a sign of their marriage, but again, I think that would be reaching.

"The macabre make up can’t hold a candle to the horror on his real face."
- Now this one just hits the spot. We can totally understand how this relates directly to the scene unfolding, and how you would be totally horrified. Using imagery, the writer is able to show and tell us at the same time!
Posted by: RolandJ, October 15th, 2019, 3:26am; Reply: 15
A blood bath for sure that horror fans love.

The comments refer to brilliant writing of scene description. Much of this is metaphor and simile, used a great deal in novels. The reference to P Diddy is homage to the opulent and lavish parties he is known to give.

The dialogue is good, but the following is the best line in the script:


Quoted Text
DOC
Some people are real hard to get
rid of.


Just keep it up writer.
Posted by: Andrew, October 15th, 2019, 8:02am; Reply: 16

Quoted from RolandJ
A blood bath for sure that horror fans love.

The comments refer to brilliant writing of scene description. Much of this is metaphor and simile, used a great deal in novels. The reference to P Diddy is homage to the opulent and lavish parties he is known to give.

The dialogue is good, but the following is the best line in the script:



Just keep it up writer.


It’s not that we don’t understand what the writer is trying to do, it’s whether or not they’re successful in doing so, and if it is even advisable. It comes off as trying to be flash when it’s not required, IMO.

In my view, for the examples I list, I don’t think the writer achieves that, and at the detriment of the script. I personally don’t think the description writing is excellent. What is excellent is the core idea and vibe, which shows a genuine skill at navigating genres, and a strong eye for visuals.
Posted by: Kevin_L, October 16th, 2019, 12:36am; Reply: 17
Hello Writer,


Well written story.   You definitely have a vivid imagination.  I was all into the gore up until Mrs. Cromblehome joined the party.  For some reason, it felt like one of those spoof horror comedies.  Her relying on the dog to shoot someone was inventive.   Even being deaf, it seems a stretch for her not to see any of that stuff take place.  I liked how you showed the cell phone to 911.   Let's you know helps coming but when.  I thought it added to the tension.  Nonetheless, I was entertained until the end. Good luck.


All the best.  
Posted by: Matthew Taylor, October 16th, 2019, 6:54am; Reply: 18
Ding ding ding! I have a new favourite!!

And by favourite, I don't mean my favourite in the challenge... because If I was scoring, I would DQ your ass because this sure as shit is not a horror.

It's a ridiculous comedy with gore, and I loved reading it.
Everything is so over the top and unrealistic that it gels together nicely - The story doesn't take itself seriously and neither will the viewer. It's just fun and games and something I would love to watch. It all just escalates in a comedic way that I found very entertaining.

Funny visuals as well, with the wife doing the washing and carnage behind.

Your writing guided me through nicely and added to the comedic tone - You write in a way that will no doubt annoy the stricter more traditional writers amongst us (I used to be one, but I seem to have settled recently into what I like and don't like), but I personally liked most of it.

A few of the asides felt right at home with the story and the tone and naturally implemented:

"A buff-body in a costume tighter than a hipster�s jeans."
"Barky�s chest-cavity envelops Mrs. Cromblehome�s head like a dead-dog lollipop"

Others didn't and seemed to be forced in unnaturally

"Except the interior designer�s fee."
"enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy�s."

Possibly down to preference. Who knows. But one thing that is evident in this, is that you had a hell of a good time writing it and that permeates through to the read. I think I have developed a writer's crush.

Oh, and I loved how you counted down the number of glasses she has left to watch, building up the tension but still holding onto the comedy.

Really hope someone makes this one

The ending with the wifes last words to him is just a perfect ending to this. Fantastico!
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), October 16th, 2019, 12:23pm; Reply: 19
Logline - Does it tell us too much?  Let's see.

Title Page - As I've said numerous times, I don't appreciate the fake names, addresses, etc.

We start with a split scene, once again.  Let's see if it's used properly...

"Next to the sink there’s enough dirty Champagne glasses for a party at P.Diddy’s." - ARGH!  Really?  It';s these kind of irritating aides that make me cringe.  If champagne was in the glasses, are they really looking "dirty"?

"Doc taps his phone.  HEAVY METAL pumps out of unseen speakers in a modern living space.  Everything is minimalist.  Except the interior designer’s fee." - Numerous issues here.  Because of the Kitchen/LIVING ROOM Slug, it's unclear where this "modern living space" even is - the kitchen or the living room - one would think the unseen speakers would be in the living room, but since it's all 1 passage, one has to assume it's the same area that Doc is in, which is the kitchen.  Finally, the aside here is once again cringe worthy, and completely unnecessary, and let's not forget that the aside is written as a new sentence for some reason, when it should be connected with a comma.

Personally, I don't like the writing on display at all - the short, choppy sentences with no subjects.  Many of these should simply be added to the prior sentence with a comma.

"base" - "bass"

"INSIDE:  the place old keys and bits of wire go to die." - Oh man, really?  Do we really need this?  Do peeps actually appreciate this kind of nonsense?

Page 2 - Doc's dialogue comes off rather oddly, and Nurse's non reaction is also very odd.

Page 3 - "a" - "and"  This entire line is odd and the thing about using the pliers is also very strange - especially if he plans on killing her with a knife being held by pliers and a dishcloth.

Ok, so she's either deaf or this is all BS.  Either way, I'm not enjoying this very much.

Page 4 - Ok, she is deaf, but I don't buy how completely unaware she is.

Back to teh writing style - you know how to write and you know what you're doing.  Some may love this, but I do not.  To me, it's very static, very much like writing down a list of exactly what happens.

"A buff-body in a costume tighter than a hipster’s jeans." - Oh God...noooo...please stop the madness!!!

"The macabre makeup can’t hold a candle to the horror on his real face." - Well, here you go again, but this is a very different type of aside - it could work very well, but based on the non existent description of Skeleton's face and makeup/costume, I'm not sure what this is really showing...or saying, other than, Hey, look at me.  I'm a cool writer, aren't I?

"She’s not long for this world.  Might have enough time to take someone with her." - Oh man.  Again, you're simply telling us something, that has absolutely nothing to do with a script. These kind of asides do not belong in a script, IMO, and they are and already have taken me completely out of this read.

And now, you're CAPPING words like it's going out of style  WTF?  All these things stick out.  All these things take away from the read.

Again, let's go back to the Slugs - impossible to tell where we are, as the action is in both rooms at times.  Maybe you were worried about space in adding new Slugs every time the action moves, but that's the way you need to do it.  Kitchen and Living Room are 2 distinct areas -even if they are open to each other. It's not like the/a camera is going to be in the same spot for all these different shots - it's going to be either in the kitchen, or in the living room.

Page 6 - Now, it's clear you don't even know where we are, as Skeleton speaks OC - should be OS, then speaks again seconds later and it's not OS.

Oh God...no...now we get a count down on how many glasses are left?  Fuck me...I want to be done with this so badly!!

"quieten" - Huh?  How about "quiet'en"?

"Jesus butt-fucking Christ, boy!" - Is this supposed to be funny?

Page 8 - "it's" - "its"

The tone has really changed to all out comedy now, it appears, but maybe that's the way you intended it all along?  With the stupid asides?  Damn, whatever it is, it's fucking irritating and I cannot wait to be done here.

I'm not even going to comment any more.  But let me just say, I for one am literally loathing this experience.

Nurse's last line is actually quite good, but does it really fit...and make sense?  I don't know at this point.  I just know I really hate this style of writing, but I also know some..most will love it, so there you go.

Not for me in any way, sorry to say.

**




Posted by: SAC, October 18th, 2019, 9:35am; Reply: 20
Writer,

Down to my last couple reads and haven't been able to comment because of time but, damn, I had to comment here! This was an absolute cluster fuck! And I mean that in a good way because my head was swimming with all this craziness I couldn't even remember if there was a scream. Anyway, call this a pisser  probably, but this was a fun read! Good job.

Steve
Posted by: Grandma Bear, October 18th, 2019, 1:46pm; Reply: 21
Only half a page in so far, but I like what you have. Interesting visuals. Good dialogue and conflict/tension. If you keep this up, you'll win the mug!

Would a 90 year old woman speak like that?

Okay, shit hit the fan towards the end.

You didn't keep it as good as the first page, but it was still a fun read. The writing itself made the read fun. Not necessarily the story.

Fantastic idea having all this stuff going on behind the nurse's back who's deaf! Great last line.

Despite you going a bit off the rails, this is still in my top three so far and I only have two more to go.
Posted by: Spqr, October 18th, 2019, 2:12pm; Reply: 22
A lot of action with a lot of killing. I like that. I also like the black-comedy tone. Straight-forward kill’em-ups are boring. But it’s really too bad Barky bought the farm. A suggestion, though: maybe it would be more in keeping with Nurse’s bad attitude if she forced Doc to kill the devil girl himself.
Posted by: PraneelNand, October 18th, 2019, 2:22pm; Reply: 23
That was one hell of a tale, torture porn of the month.

I really liked it, had everything you’d want.  Gore, horror, more gore, an old lady with a gun.

I had fun reading it and it was twisted as hell, my only negative would be that deaf people are sensitive to vibrations as well and gun  shots can be felt even if you’re not deaf, as I don’t think heavy metal could drown out that.

But none the less, this was one of my favorites and the writing here is top notch, good job on entering and good luck.
Posted by: ReneC, October 18th, 2019, 8:42pm; Reply: 24
I love everything about this except the title.

I'm a fan of the Cornetto trilogy and this follows right in that vein of comedy horror. I really like the use of the deaf character, that all the action is happening unbeknownst to her. I love that he's confessing his crimes before he even commits them knowing she can't hear him.

I have little to critique with this one except it took two readings for me to fully get the ending. The single cop showing up isn't realistic and it should be set up better. The countdown for Nurse to turn around means she's only alive because of luck and I never like that.

Great job, one of my top picks.
Posted by: Anon, October 20th, 2019, 5:21am; Reply: 25
This one was mine! And boy did I have fun writing it. It seemed to polarise people as my writing often does. But I have found it better - work wise - that half the readers love it rather than everyone like it. Having said that this one was aside-crazy even for me. Like I said - I was having too much fun to care. And best I flex my descriptive voice - I'm just starting a novel (gulp).

Thanks for all reviews x
Posted by: Anon, October 20th, 2019, 5:22am; Reply: 26

Quoted from ReneC
I love everything about this except the title.



For the love of God, man! What's wrong with the title? :)
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, October 20th, 2019, 6:13am; Reply: 27
Don’t know how this didn’t place, but the voting can be a strange process.

Hope you get to revise this - I could see it being filmed.

Well done.
Posted by: Zack, October 20th, 2019, 8:35am; Reply: 28

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Don’t know how this didn’t place, but the voting can be a strange process.



I second that. This one was definitely my favorite. It was just so batshit crazy! I loved it. :D Great work here, Alex.
Posted by: PKCardinal, October 20th, 2019, 12:45pm; Reply: 29

Quoted from Anon
This one was mine! And boy did I have fun writing it. It seemed to polarise people as my writing often does. But I have found it better - work wise - that half the readers love it rather than everyone like it. Having said that this one was aside-crazy even for me. Like I said - I was having too much fun to care. And best I flex my descriptive voice - I'm just starting a novel (gulp).

Thanks for all reviews x


I wanna read that novel.

This was tied for my top finisher. So many clever moments. I laughed big several times. Thanks for that!
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