Cold Blood by Anonymous - Short, Horror - A young woman is haunted by the history of her new home. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written story.
QUESTION: There were no survivors. But were the killers ever caught and punished?
I understand the ghosts of the former killers are re-enacting their previous brutality on the former owners, while present owner Hanna sacrifices herself to save Nancy.
QUESTION: It was never clear if Hanna was the first such repeat victim since the original murders, or is she just the latest victim? Clarifying that would add greater depth and history about this 'Haunted' house'.

Um...the opening doesn't seem too original, like I've seen it before in other horror/ghost movies. But for what it is, it's written well... on a fairly mechanical level, lines about "...not being in Kansas anymore" have always bugged me in the same way as exposition dialogue dumps.  Two lines early on in the script stuck with me...

That said, I did enjoy the ending, but you know how when you get this feeling, a twitch in your ass-hole that something just isn't right... Well that's how I felt.  I mean, you tell us “THEY LEFT NO SURVIVORS."  And yet... we have a WOMAN, 76, leaving a business card that reads: “Nancy Clutter, Realtor.”   Her wrists...  

At any rate, kudos. :)Andrea

Okay! A story. The best I've read so far in writing and structure. I like the exchanges between the couple. I instantly liked these people.

The only downside is the logic is very confusing. Basically a mix of time-travel and ghosts. I still don't quite fully get it - but I understand enough that I enjoyed it. I think this is one draft away from being all it could be. Maybe something better.more original than the Ouija board thing could be added. But this is a one week challenge. Well done, my favourite so far.

I like the effort at a real story.

I did get confused in parts - had to re-read a couple of passages.

This:

SPOILERS:

Quoted Text CLINT Ugh. Rachel. Tell me again why you keep her around? HANNAH You know why. She was there for my sister. Right to the end. CLINT You realize you don’t owe her anything, right? HANNAH She was Sara’s best friend.

Is a bit on the nose and not really necessary. If you removed it from the script - nothing would really change.

I like your imagination.

I've never really been a fan of Ouija boards, but that's just a personal thing, I guess.

Overall, I thought this one was pretty good. The only thing I didn't like was how Hannah didn't totally freak out when Perry first appeared. That did not seem realistic to me at all. Also, it did a little muddled with who was who and doing what towards the last third of the script.

Hi

Logline - ok a touch of the haunted house, but perhaps a bit more could be enticing

Farm House - what happened to suburban house? Maybe it appears...

Ok finished

I’m split over this one. Somewhere in this is a decent premise. I liked the ghost having a conversation with her, it sows the seeds of am I sane, what is happening, should,I listen etc

I would prefer it if the ghost appeared because of something she was trying to do or change - eg throw out old photos etc or something better than my naff suggestion  :K)

Her decisions thereafter didn’t work for me. For example, she’s just shot her man, apparently by accident, but instead of making the police call, she listens to the ghost who has just set her up??

I didn’t feel there was risk to her to drive the story forward, she was too easy to persuade. Clint was too passive.

The connection with the realtor was also a decent angle, which should have been used more. In fact I could see a nice sinister angle to that.

Lots of potential, but not there for me as it stands. Also, doesn’t hit the criteria of suburban, which wasn’t always easy, so I feel it needs to be present

I could see this tidied upwards and be a possibility for filming, with the right story

All the best

Very uninspiring title and logline - (I'm choosing those with the fewest comments to read through - based on title and logline alone, I probably wouldn't open)
Let's hope the story fairs better

The super could do with going over "...brutally murdered..." then the next line "They left no survivors" - the second part seems redundant, murdered already implies there were no survivors.
better to have changed the first one to something like "...brutally attacked..."

This is done by an experienced writer, so far so good.

Wonderfully written, authentic characters and dialogue. On-screen it would be creepy which is good.

The ending is a head-scratcher for me though, I don't get it. I can see you are going for something, but it hasn't clicked yet. Obviously, she can't change the past because she reasoned with a spirit... so Nancy survived the original attack? or maybe the past has been changed and Nancy has to keep bringing these spirits more victims? but if there were more victims, surely they would know... Nope, can't get my head around it. I think it's a typical horror "just accept it" ending.

Anway, great effort.

Oh wow I picked a bottom one for a quick read and it’s damn good!

Based on In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - a true story - which no one has mentioned?  I like the imagery here and the dialogue is pretty neat.

Ok the ‘there were no survivors’ jars with the ending but I think that’s to make it leave more to our imagination. Even a little changing of history I guess   I like it

It will be hard to top this one though I’ve only read 3 or 4    Well done

Writer,

Dialogue was good, characters believable. There was a slight feeling of dread building through this that I enjoyed and this has all the earmarks of an experienced writer embracing a good tale. It’s just there were some logic issues here for me, mainly how is Perry’s gun killing people and Hannah’s isn’t. Maybe I missed something here - I’ve a feeling I did.

But still, this is one of the more original entries and receives top marks.

Steve

Hello writer,

That was a cool and engaging story that had me gripped from start to finish. I really enjoyed the twist at the end, brought the whole thing full circle.

Your writing is good and easy to follow, I did get confused with the amount of characters that were being introduced all at the same time in the basement, but I get it, it was a vision of the past.

Overall a decent effort and great story, I wish there was more of a backstory of the surviving girl, it would’ve made the sacrifice a bit more earned. But I couldn’t sympathize as much as I wished I could.

Anyways, good luck and I hope to read more from you in the future

Hello writer,

This seems to be one of the better scripts I have read so far.  I was able to follow the story with ease.  Dialogue read fine to me.   I wish we were able to see how she paid with her life.   Did Perry kill her, or did she kill herself?   Good luck!

All the best.  

Seems like the last bunch of scripts I have to read are the better ones.

Not a whole lot to say on this one. Writing was good.

Not sure I understand the ending though. I assume that Hannah has somehow changed the past by sacrificing herself for the girl, but a part of me thinks that Perry was messing with her the whole time.

Another thing. Who actually shot Clint? I can understand the shotgun killing Kenyon as he was there to reenact the past, but I'm thinking Hannah was the one who shot Clint, when she tried to stop Perry. Nothing is built on that though, they kinda just move on to the bedroom.

Anyways, good work.

As Stevie said... A do-over of In Cold Blood with the summoning of ghosts through an Ouija board to go back in time, and change/replay events.

You need to stop me... as its inspired horror narrative.
But does she?

The thing is (unless I missed something) Hannah only prevents one death - Nancy's- and in the process sacrifices her own life? Plus, Clint's death is an additional casualty. I have a bit of a problem with that logic. I don't know why she wouldn't just tear out of there after Clint's death. Hannah has no motive to stop what's already happened unless the stakes are Clint's life or her own. You're asking us to believe she'd lay down her life for an unrelated stranger who died in another time anyway. The better story I think would've been that she set Nancy free and they escaped together - in terms of suspense.

This is written well, definitely a superior entry in terms of the craft of screenplay writing, but ironically does it read better than it would play out on screen as a self-contained horror?

I like the angle of the history of a house, the obligation to disclose past crimes etc. Or in this case, covering it up. That's always a goodie:

HANNAH
The realtor has to mention if
something bad happened in a house,
right?

Ooh, yes. Scary.

I just think your story needed to be edge of the seat escape, instead of dullsville self sacrifice.

Written very well for the challenge. I'm just not entirely convinced an audience would find the story enthralling enough as an independent horror short.

I could be wrong of course...

P.S. Your current logline is too sedate imho. A young woman must fight for her life after discovering the gruesome secrets... just purchased house etc.

Title intrigues. Logline is... okay.

Why is there a comma in "Small Kansas town?"

So a planchette is that Ouija game piece?

This one takes a while to get going. Page 5 is when is starts moving.

I'm skimming now.

Quoted Text (not the Perry we’re seeing)

What does this mean?

If I were you, I would have cut the page count in half and rewritten. Very sluggish. Congrats on writing a contained thriller. One location is pretty easy to film. Good luck with it. Congrats on entering.

This was certainly good.
The only thing is Josh and Rachel at the beginning - I for one couldn’t understand their importance. And you opened with them for some reason.
Also, there’s a convo about Hannah owing to her (or not) - I thought you’d capitalize on that. Since you did not - it’s irrelevant to the rest of the script.
Good luck to you with it

Logline - Good...it actually tells me something.

Title Page - Fine, no issues

JOSH and RACHEL, 20s - I always say this but as usual, no one listens.  Think about this - think about the difference in a 20 year old kid and a 29 year old adult.  Think about the difference of where they are in life, what they have or don't have.  It's a huge difference, meaning, give your characters an age and make it right for them and the story.

Page 3 - OK, on page 3 and we have alot of talking, but we also have a good clue in what Rachel said (as well as the logline), but here's where I'm struggling.  First of all, why in the world would a 27/28 year old couple who just moved into a new house, throw a Halloween party. I mean, why them?  Why not a friend,  knowing how hard it is moving in and then hosting a big party.  Doesn't make sense.  Also, and we have to go back to the original age issue of Josh and Rachel - Hannah obviously knows Rachel, and talks about Rachel being there for her sister (who appears to have died), but why aren't they real friends?  Is there an age difference?  Again, I'm just assuming here, but it sounds like Hannah and Clint didn't move from afar, so why wouldn't they know the same stories about the house that Rachel does?

Uh oh...the dreaded and so overused Ouija board.

Page 5 - I'm a little confused - this "ghost" of Perry just shows up and starts talking with Hannah and there's nothing written about her reaction, as if it's no big deal.  Am I missing something?

Page 7 - (not the Perry we're seeing) - Well, there's a wrylie I've never come across before.  I guess I get what you're trying to show, but it sure comes across as odd.

Page 8 - the writing's not great here.  Some odd word choices.

"She runs to him, but, he’s dead.  Hannah sprints upstairs." - Here's a perfect example. The way it's written, there's no emotion.  It's like, "Oh well, he's dead.  Off I go.  Also, though, there's alot being conveyed here and it's definitely a number of separate shots and shouldn't be all on the same line, written so matter of factly.

The end.  Hmmm, what to say, where to begin?  The good news is that it's not bad at all.  But the not so good news is that's it's not good, either.  There's really no reason at all that I can come up with that anything in this script would happen (even in a horror movie, where things happen that would never, ever happen).  It just doesn't make any sense, and because of that, I couldn't invest myself in anything I was reading.

**

The writing is quite good, for the most part. Not great, it needs work to get there, but the potential is easy to see. I have a feeling this was rushed, especially the second half. Right after Perry shows up, the pace starts to slip and slide.

Great characters on display here, with the notable exception of our protagonist. Hannah is a cardboard cutout, she could be literally anyone. Contrast that with Perry, a fantastic character. I loved everything about him.

Others have already touched on the crux of the issues with this. Lack of emotion, and no real stakes for Hannah. When Hannah killed Clint, there should have been a huge reaction. She was just tricked by a ghost into killing someone she is supposed to care about (I don't get their relationship), but there isn't even a break on the page, she just runs after Perry. And why should she care about people who have been dead for decades? Why should she trust that she can save anyone, especially at the cost of her very real life?

It's good that Nancy shows up at the end to prove she did make a difference, but we don't care about Nancy. We don't know Nancy. Maybe a prologue showing Nancy's horrible fate back in the 1950s would make us care about her avoiding that fate even if it's just exchanging one life for another.

Where's Dick? He was supposed to be upstairs, presumably with Nancy, but there's no sign of him.

When Perry whispers in Clint's ear, the dialogue immediately following seems to be what he whispered ("Sorry Hannah. I need you.") That was confusing because I didn't understand why that would make Clint wake up and trance walk. Perry should look back at her or have another beat before speaking to separate the two.

Storywise, this is my favorite so far, which is why I really want you to fix it. It has the potential to be excellent. I love the idea of a ghost repeating the murders, like an endless loop, but one that can be broken by the living, with a catch. And how many murder-suicides are going to keep happening in that house by new occupants? But there has to be some logic to it, some stakes for the living, real or not. Maybe the realtor is like a soul collector, or a cohort of the ghosts, ensuring that only couples buy the house? That would make it a great Twilight Zone episode.

Also, kudos for implementing the scream. One of the most believable ones I've read.

An excellent story, good characters, and well written. Though it probably doesn’t matter, the logic just doesn’t hold up. A ghost from the past jumps to the future in order to convince someone to sacrifice herself to save the life of one of the people he killed in the past. And this profits Perry how? I assume this cold-blooded killer isn’t doing it out of the goodness of his heart.

On page 6 Perry says Hannah’s sacrifice can save the lives of some of the Clutters, as well as his own: “They’ll all the die if you don’t. … As will I.”

The only way he won’t die is if none of the Clutters are killed in the first place, and already in the “present” he and his bud Dick are killing left and right.

Time-travel paradoxes, even for ghosts, are killers.

So I read this a couple days ago but accidentally erased my review. I really liked the concept here. "In Cold Blood" isca brilliant novel and I love the film, Capote. Your writing is very good and visual. I do think it needs some work though, and wasn't sure how well it fit in the horror genre.

Definitely worth working on...maybe even expanding. Nice work!!

Hey Paul, additional thoughts as I just read yours again. The thing that stands out is that this actually is scary .

Smart move using a factual horror story and adding another strand of present day haunted house horror to it. I didn't get the loop thing until reading Rene's comments.

Reading your comments on the main thread, I suppose you could expand this idea to twenty pages but if you're going to do that you might want to consider turning it into feature length.

Quoted from RolandJ Well written story. QUESTION: There were no survivors. But were the killers ever caught and punished? I understand the ghosts of the former killers are re-enacting their previous brutality on the former owners, while present owner Hanna sacrifices herself to save Nancy. QUESTION: It was never clear if Hanna was the first such repeat victim since the original murders, or is she just the latest victim? Clarifying that would add greater depth and history about this 'Haunted' house'.

Yes, Perry and Dick were both caught and hung in real life. (About 20 miles from where I currently live.) That's why I have Perry in a prison jumpsuit and show the two men hanging from a tree. Though, they weren't actually hung from a tree. They were hung from gallows on prison grounds.

For your second question: one mistake I made (out of many) was not including a line I wrote for Perry... "Everyone else has failed. But, you won't, will you Hannah?" Its role was to suggest the repeating nature of the event. No previous owners found a way to stop him. (I picture them all quickly moving out after Perry's "visit")

I debated the line all Friday evening before deciding to leave it out. Should have put it in.

For the record, I debated 3 separate issues in the run-up to submitting. I think I made the wrong call on all three. (Dave caught one... every single line highlighted in his comment was added last minute.) The third was adding the opening paragraph. I initially had: "Inspired by actual events." On that one, I'm still not sure which is correct. I just don't like the opening paragraph as it sits.

Quoted from Anon Maybe something better.more original than the Ouija board thing could be added.

Yep. I'll be working on that one. Thanks!

Quoted from eldave1 Is a bit on the nose and not really necessary. If you removed it from the script - nothing would really change. I like your imagination.

Your quoted text doesn't show up when I try to quote your comments...

But, let me say: BUSTED.

The EXACT section you nailed me on was added 30 minutes before submitting. I was desperately trying to wedge in some sort of motivation for Hannah to act. (That's a bad problem to be solving last minute.) I thought: "what if she lost her sister at a young age? Maybe she'd identify with trying to save young Nancy." Ugh. Back to the drawing board, because I really need a motivation for Hannah to complete this thing right.

(And, good god, man. You're instincts are amazing.)

Quoted from stevie Oh wow I picked a bottom one for a quick read and it’s damn good! Based on In Cold Blood by Truman Capote - a true story - which no one has mentioned?  I like the imagery here and the dialogue is pretty neat. Ok the ‘there were no survivors’ jars with the ending but I think that’s to make it leave more to our imagination. Even a little changing of history I guess   I like it It will be hard to top this one though I’ve only read 3 or 4    Well done

Thank you for noticing and pointing out the In Cold Blood connection. I was terrified nobody would see it. Once you noted it, I was calm as could be. I had accomplished what I wanted. You made my week.

Quoted from Lightfoot Who actually shot Clint? I can understand the shotgun killing Kenyon as he was there to reenact the past, but I'm thinking Hannah was the one who shot Clint, when she tried to stop Perry. Nothing is built on that though, they kinda just move on to the bedroom.

Yes, Hannah shot Clint when she tried to shoot Perry.

And, I'll be working on fixing her reaction. Thanks for the note!

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 7 - (not the Perry we're seeing) - Well, there's a wrylie I've never come across before.  I guess I get what you're trying to show, but it sure comes across as odd.

I knew you'd like that one. (You're definitely in my head.) I'll see if there's another way to handle it in the rewrite.

And, regarding Hannah's reaction to Clint being shot... she ran upstairs to call 911 but Perry stops her. Nobody really caught that/bought that, so I'll be reworking this section.

Thanks for the notes! Very helpful.

Quoted from ReneC The writing is quite good, for the most part. Not great, it needs work to get there, but the potential is easy to see. I have a feeling this was rushed, especially the second half. Right after Perry shows up, the pace starts to slip and slide. Great characters on display here, with the notable exception of our protagonist. Hannah is a cardboard cutout, she could be literally anyone. Contrast that with Perry, a fantastic character. I loved everything about him. Others have already touched on the crux of the issues with this. Lack of emotion, and no real stakes for Hannah. When Hannah killed Clint, there should have been a huge reaction. She was just tricked by a ghost into killing someone she is supposed to care about (I don't get their relationship), but there isn't even a break on the page, she just runs after Perry. And why should she care about people who have been dead for decades? Why should she trust that she can save anyone, especially at the cost of her very real life? It's good that Nancy shows up at the end to prove she did make a difference, but we don't care about Nancy. We don't know Nancy. Maybe a prologue showing Nancy's horrible fate back in the 1950s would make us care about her avoiding that fate even if it's just exchanging one life for another. Where's Dick? He was supposed to be upstairs, presumably with Nancy, but there's no sign of him. When Perry whispers in Clint's ear, the dialogue immediately following seems to be what he whispered ("Sorry Hannah. I need you.") That was confusing because I didn't understand why that would make Clint wake up and trance walk. Perry should look back at her or have another beat before speaking to separate the two. Storywise, this is my favorite so far, which is why I really want you to fix it. It has the potential to be excellent. I love the idea of a ghost repeating the murders, like an endless loop, but one that can be broken by the living, with a catch. And how many murder-suicides are going to keep happening in that house by new occupants? But there has to be some logic to it, some stakes for the living, real or not. Maybe the realtor is like a soul collector, or a cohort of the ghosts, ensuring that only couples buy the house? That would make it a great Twilight Zone episode. Also, kudos for implementing the scream. One of the most believable ones I've read.

Great notes, as always. I look forward to your review every time.

Quoted from LC Reading your comments on the main thread, I suppose you could expand this idea to twenty pages but if you're going to do that you might want to consider turning it into feature length.

Thank you. You've inspired me to think about this as a potential feature. I don't know that I would have considered it otherwise!


And thanks to everyone else for the notes. I've already spammed this thread up, so I won't call out any others, but so many people provided excellent insight for a rewrite/expansion.

Hey,

It’s been a while since I’ve done this. I’m more of a lurker now than a participant lol. Glanced over a few comments but don’t remember much from them so sorry if this was mentioned before.

Spoilers

I can see why this was a top pick but one question, Perry’s introduction to Hannah...why doesn’t she just flee lol? I mean, she’s seeing a ghost. Flight or fight will suggest screw Clint, save yourself lol. Or, she will desperately try to wake Clint as fast and rough as possible? If it doesn’t work, get the f out lol. You can then have her trapped in there which will force her to do what she has to do.

I think the opening insert where you tell us about the prisoners can be removed. I think it’ll be better if we find out slowly as the story progresses. If you tell us early on, I think some will get an idea of where the story is heading which will ruin the suspense.

An idea that occurred: 1. you remove the prisoners insert 2.Tell the story of Hannah and Clint, 3. at the end the old lady finds the bodies, 4. kind of the like the film “urban legends”, you reveal that Clint and Hannah happened in the past by showing someone’s telling their story to the new home owners of the present since their having a stupid Halloween party 5. Of course they don’t believe it but they hear the scream which ends the short/feature. Hopefully this makes sense, if not ask me. lol.

But I understand the complexity in writing for an OWC.  You can definitely rewrite this and hopefully someone determined enough will shoot this.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey Paul, read through the draft you sent me. Here are my notes.

Page 2. - Unpacked boxes dot the sparsely furnished room. - Seems odd to me that they'd be throwing a party before being fully unpacked. Could just be me.

Agree that you should do away with the Ouiji board if you decide to expand this to feature length. It works for this short, but Ouiji boards are a bit played out.

So I'm a bit confused on the ending... Hannah stops the ghost from renacting their massacre, and this somehow means that Nancy actually survived? Is it a time loop thing? Because I was under the imression that Perry, Dick, Nancy, Kenyon, and Herb were all ghosts. So did Nancy never actually die?

Another small issue I have is... Why the Hell doesn't Hannah just run away? I think I'd be a lot more freaked out in this situation.

Besides those nit-picks, I actually really like this one. Very imaginitive and pretty gruesome.You've created such an interesting mythology with this, and I want to know more about the backstory. I definitely think you should adapt this into a feature. I'd be curious to see how a feature length version would play out.

Great work here, Paul.




;D

Thanks, Zack. Very helpful!