Quoted from SAC Matthew, I can appreciate what you're going for here, but something is missing. (1) It seems you take short cuts just to get your story where it needs to be. How does Henry administer the drug to Ashley? Did he have someone on the inside? Next, (2) how is it that Henry's ambulance gets the call to go to the prison? I would think they'd have doctors on site at a prison facility. Anyway, to me those are logic holes and they take me out of the story. Totally wasn't expecting the ending. I could see why you went that direction. It's a twist, I'll give you that. Henry's description in the beginning -- almost sounds like he was the killer with his waxen appearance and cold eyes. (3) Overall, I didn't feel connected to these characters at all. I think some misdirection with Henry might be good. He's a bad person, so we need to feel kind of good about him in the beginning, not necessarily see him as a cold person who drinks when he doesn't get his way. Basically, I wanted to feel a connection to him before you pulled the rug out and exposed him for what he is. Steve |
Quoted from LC Shouldn�t that first V.O. be Ashley�s voice? |
Quoted Text a show home a display home? (prob a colloquial/cultural use thing) Hand addressed � perfect penmanship perhaps? � would add a nice touch for a killer? Except she isn't. dashes it? A mild verb imho. In trembling hands, he brings the glass to his mouth. With trembling hands he... Otherwise: hands trembling, he brings Personal preference I suppose, but you seemed a bit concerned about using an 'ing' word here. |
Quoted Text https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1167319038/ I think this guy, JD-OK analysed it best. So all in all. FIRST VERB needs to be ACTIVE. ADVERB can have ING example. "Jack strolls down the street whistling ‘Zippity Doo Dah.’ strolls is the verb, whistling is adverb |
Quoted Text JACKY'S a man I presume? Nope a woman it seems. Jacky with a 'y' reads as a man but, Jacky glances at Henry like she is about to talk (speak)? Now I'm confused: man or woman? |
Quoted Text FYI, about ellipses. Previously covered, in the thread below. I just thought I'd add it here if you're so inclined. I quoted my input. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1395018709/s-0/ I'd personally use an emdash between mini slugs, not an ellipses. En dashes ( � ) and em dashes ( � ), have slightly different uses. And, they shouldn't be confused with hyphens which are used to join words and to separate syllables of a single word The em dash ( � ) or double en dash is used primarily when a thought is interrupted by another character butting in, or by a sound i.e., bang on the door etc. Technically an em dash is a wider line and more like the length of two dashes but most screenwriting software doesn't enable it, hence why you see so many scripts with two en dashes put together. If you're a pedant, em dashes can actually be formatted in Final Draft but you need to enable it in every separate screenplay. An ellipses is altogether different in purpose. It is used when a character's speech trails off. A lot of writers over use the ellipses, and a lot of writers use them incorrectly i.e., when they should be using an em dash. Your screenplay will look cleaner if you get em' right, but the key is in being consistent with either/or. |
Quoted Text ... Back to story. I read Steve's comments and am inclined to agree. The ambulance scene threw me a bit. Why not make him a cop instead? There's a shocking (to me at least) percentage of men on the force accused of domestic violence - I know that sounds like a generalisation but it does exist. Being in law enforcement has to be the perfect cover for getting away with criminal activity. |
Quoted Text I also thought the way it was written at the top that Henry was the accused. You've deliberately written it like that as misdirect I guess. |
Quoted Text We don't even see Ashley in that first court scene. I like that. It makes us curious. Then of course she turns out to be a 'she' which also comes as a shock |
Quoted Text It's a little convoluted a plot for a Short imh. This: JACKY Have you erm-- Did you get up to... Henry huffs. Jacky resumes her uncomfortable shuffling. Henry checks his watch. HENRY (V.O.) I've been told you can do this. DEEP VOICE (V.O.) 'course I fuckin' can. Who's the target? Now and then Jacky glances at Henry like she is about to talk but can't find the words. HENRY (V.O.) I've written the name down. Listen carefully. This pill needs mixing with one glass of water before administration. Henry checks his watch again. DEEP VOICE (V.O.) Is it fatal? Murder will cost you a lot more. HENRY (V.O.) Take everything. Car, house. I don't need them. Oh, and I need a gun. Caused my eyes to glaze over a bit. I'm just not convinced you need it quite as elaborate as all this unless it was feature length. Whatever happened to good ol' chloroform? |
Quoted Text Mister Cooke? She addresses him like this, so formally? I'd rethink that choice, she's in her 30s and it sounded clunky to my ear. |
Quoted Text But this is a bit disjointed. HENRY Really? Funny, your defence lawyer never mentioned that part. ASHLEY Yea, that's what you would do, isn't it, drag her name through mud, her family through hell. I'm the scapegoat. You know why she used to come here? Ashley's response seems at odds emotionally with his question. Almost unrelated in response. It does beggar belief too that Ashley took the fall to that extent? Forensics would surely uncover she killed herself? |
Quoted Text I didn't kill your wife, Ashley would call her by name in this instance, or just say: I didn't kill her or: she took her own life. |
Quoted Text It's a big story, too big I think (something I'm often guilty of) for a Short with lots of twists and turns. I think streamlining it might actually strengthen it. |
Quoted Text I want to like Ashley more. Why after all that would Ashley kill herself? She should want him dead. That ending though poetic (I love the title btw) is disappointing. |
Quoted Text There's a nice style to this but to make it work I think it's crying out to be written as noir to make all that convoluted stuff work. It would also add humour. |
Quoted Text Anyway, just my observations. I hope some of this is helpful. |
Quoted from Bayne 1) On page three, in the ambulance cab, I appreciate the approach to having the phone conversation take place in voiceover. However, since there is a fairly significant back-and-forth between Henry and Deep Voice, I find it awkward that we see Henry and Jacky sitting in silence for the full conversation. I think that cutting to Henry talking on the phone for part of the conversation would improve the pacing the bit. 2) I generally find myself more invested in characters that display likable qualities. My issue with Henry is that, regardless of the reveal at the end, he's presented as an unpleasant guy. As he carries out his plan, he's barking orders at people such as "get the fuck out, "get the fuck up", "fucking dig", etc.. I know that he's ultimately revealed to be villainous, but perhaps he could be presented as a man who is carrying out his plan out of necessity rather than as a desire for revenge. Almost as if he doesn't want to do it, but has no choice in the matter. That way, we as the audience will not only be curious about his intentions, but we'll also find him easy to root for. This in turn would make the reveal at the end more impactful, because the guy we were invested in turns out to be not-so-good. Something as simple as making him curse less might be enough the achieve this effect. |
Quoted from eldave1 I think you need a SUPER somewhere for the obvious jump in time. i.e., She's convicted - then we have Henry in his house getting the letter from the mailbox - probably given the info later we're at least a year forward in time - I'd add something akin to that in a SUPER. |
Quoted from AndyJ I liked it, I agree about the passage of time between conviction and Henry getting the letter. Speaking of the letter you say it was "Hand addressed" I presume you mean because the address was written in pen rather typed. You could just say "hand written envelope." or even mention that it had HMP (prison name) on it. |
Quoted Text There is another bit that I presume you just forgot to add the Character name: ASHLEY You bullied, manipulated, abused-- HENRY --shut up---- She chose the ground over a life time of looking over her shoulder-- HENRY --I said shut up-- |
Quoted Text It would be good if she could kill herself but as the police get there it looks like Henry killed her. I haven't thought about how lol maybe a struggle and the gun goes off, Henry is standing there with the gun in his hand... just a thought. |