Charlie's Callous by Rennie Arundell - Short, Comedy, Black Comedy - A terminally ill teenager's dying wish shocks his family. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Rennie,

I think you may have replied to my thread "Jonah". Anyway I thought I would return the favour.

Although some might find the humour of this screenplay crude, I felt it just borders on the right side of crassness and was very funny.

I think the dialogue at the start within the doctors office could do with a little tweaking. The doctor's dialogue inparticular is a little hard to read and I think he could sound a little more competent. The dialogue improves significantly as the story goes on.

What I was most impressed about was the action/descriptions within the screenplay. Your direction is very clear and made reading the screenplay thoroughly enjoyable.

Overall this a well written piece, which depending on the sensibility of the individual will either make you turn away in disgust, or laugh uncontrollably. I think I am probably the latter.

This reminds me of one of the first things I wrote where a guy kills his own wife and daughter. It was basically a dark little writing exercise and I think that's what you've done here. You know this isn't a show of your best work, but it zips along and you had fun writing it, right?

I think you could have landed a better beat/gag/joke at the end. The 'good spot for the shed' didn't really land because the shed hadn't been mentioned before. If Charlie and his Dad had been arguing about the shed before, then it might have had more impact.

Overall, a fun little writing exercise, and a good base to build on.

Read my aforementioned short if you like. I think you'll see a lot of similarities in the tone: https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1416179235/s-2/highlight-/#num2

Quoted from GregT You know this isn't a show of your best work, but it zips along and you had fun writing it, right?

Correct.

Well I'd say keep going. I'll keep an eye out for more of your stuff.

Quoted from Marvin I think you may have replied to my thread "Jonah"

Yes, I will give you a more detailed critique of that.

Quoted Text the dialogue at the start within the doctors office could do with a little tweaking. The doctor's dialogue inparticular is a little hard to read and I think he could sound a little more competent.

I agree. Funny thing is, I searched for actual dialog/quotes/speeches given by medical professionals for such cases because I wanted it to sound authentic. That dialog was pretty exact to what I was able to find. I felt the same way.

Quoted Text What I was most impressed about was the action/descriptions within the screenplay. Your direction is very clear and made reading the screenplay thoroughly enjoyable.

Right on the money. I really wanted to fine-tune the exact/descriptive style and so that was the focus. Figured I'd just tack on a stupid and gross story to go with it. ;)

Quoted Text depending on the sensibility of the individual will either make you turn away in disgust, or laugh uncontrollably

I'd accept that reaction too, but I'g glad you were able to laugh at it. I was as well even though it is terrible.  ;D