Confessions of a Cadaver by Matthew Taylor - Short, Horror - As a surgeon dissects a cadaver, it tells him a story he doesn't want to hear. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

@Matthew

A premise like this is well-trodden ground, but still... this was quite good. The writing evoked a sparse, desolate tone, matching the despair and dread of the story.  It felt like I was listening to you tell a story, rather than reading a script.

Not sure you needed the last bit (one word) of dialog because it was clearly evident that the Observer was in fact, his son.  Well, at least for me.   But I suspect in the overall grand scheme of things it still works.  So, fair enough.

I'm sure this will be well received.  Good luck with it,

Ghostie

Wow, high praise indeed. Thank you very much for taking a look.

I should really listen to my instincts. When I wrote the last line of dialogue my gut told me not to, but I did anyway.

Anyway, glad you liked it. Hopefully the "3 minute short" comp I wrote it for like it too.

Matt

Ditto on the last line. I get why you wrote it, just to be sure but it's not needed.
Coming back to this with more soon...

Matthew,

Hey again. Really appreciated what you were going for here, and wasn't expecting the ending. So that's a good thing. I liked the build up, and I liked when the students were revealed. One key piece of dialogue stood out and that was the line about the body shows something about the life lived. You know which one it is.

I think the end line -- "I'm sorry, son," is way on the nose for the reveal. I mean, yeah, it fits, it works. For me, I'd be racking my brain trying to think of another way to put this. Something more subtle, but just as effective.

Also, I would think a doctor who is performing an autopsy on his own son wouldn't want an audience, though I understand you used that so the doctor can give his dialogue. Perhaps just a lone assistant? That's just me, though.

It works as is, but I just think it can be better!

Steve

Hello Matthew,

I believe this is the best written of yours that I have come across. The dialog worked in that it revealed the story one layer at a time. The reader was able to come to the conclusion that was made at the end. However, one section of dialog was lost on me:

OBSERVER
October 1st, nineteen ninetyfour.
She went into labour while we were
on shift. We ran through the
corridors so fast we tripped over a
gurney. We made the nurse stitch us
up in the delivery room so we
didn't miss the birth. when did it
change?

The observer/son mentions he wanted to be a father and this sounds like maybe this was a lost pregnancy he and his partner experienced?

Aside from that part it was all clear.

~Arundel

Thank you both for the reads and comments, appreciated

(N.B apologise for my brevity, writing on my phone)

Seems something may have been lost. The observer is not the son, only the cadaver is the son. The observer is a younger version of the Surgeon who is judging the man he has become - (I hoped having the same scar and the line "when did I become you" would have made it clear.
Originally I had the observer be the son but it seemed too obvious a choice.

The last line will deffo be cut.

Steve - I too had slight issues with the surgeon choosing his own son as a cadaver to train the students, but then I thought it fits his character of loveless father. Whether it works or not, no idea lol I'm mainly just guessing when it comes to my stories

Really grateful for the reads. I owe you all. If you want an untrained eye on any of your scripts in particular, let me know.

Matt

The Observer is a younger version of the Surgeon?
I thought for sure that the Observer was the son lying on the slab. Got confused obviously with the whole scene in the delivery suite and the stitches, just as Arundel did.

My other advice is you need to up some of the Surgeon's dialogue with proper medical terminology which I can give you examples of later, if you want.

Mind you I'm going to need to go for a fourth read bearing in mind I had it wrong with who was who.
I'm rather partial to the son being the Observer.

Hmm... Jmho.

Yea I'm partial to the son being the observer as well (and is how it was originally intended) but I thought I would be lynched for being too obvious. I may write both versions and see how they compare.

I'm always happy for the help (RE medical terminology)

Thanks

Matt

Hey Matt, I don't have the time to read right now. A lot os stuff going on, including my daughter and her family moving to Texas tomorrow, I just wanted to say I LOVE the title!  :)

Sent you a big PM with some extra thoughts, terminology etc. :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hey Matt, I don't have the time to read right now. A lot of os stuff going on, including my daughter and her family moving to Texas tomorrow, I just wanted to say I LOVE the title!  :)

Thanks! I realized recently that I very much judge a book by it's cover when it comes to script titles. And for some reason, I am really disliking single word titles at the moment (Not all of them are bad, but most appear lazy) - So I am making a conscious effort to try and make mine better.

P.S hope the move went well

Quoted from LC Sent you a big PM with some extra thoughts, terminology etc. :)

Thank you so much! All really helpful stuff.... a single "thank you" doesn't really seem sufficient for all the help you have been giving me, feel like I should be sending you a bottle of scotch or something.

Anyway - I really appreciate it. Working on the rewrite now so hopefully, it's an improvement (I can't put all of the suggestions in as I want to keep it at 3 pages for a script comp in London)

That my suggestions are helpful is thanks enough.

Did you see this the other day...?

A bottle of whisky sold for $1.9 million on Thursday, October 24, exploding records -- again.
The Macallan Fine and Rare 60-Year-Old 1926 became the most expensive bottle of wine or spirit ever auctioned

I doubt I'd be able to tell the difference between that and a bottle of Jameson.  ;D

Looking forward to reading the final draft of this, Matt. Whenever that may be...
All the best of luck with the comps!

When's the deadline?

That's what happens when people have more money than sense... I bet they don't even drink it!

I've submitted the update (It is already up on script revolution if you just can't bear to wait  ;D )
Although I must admit, after all the help you have given I am a bit apprehensive that you won't like the new version lol

Deadline isn't until November 30th, so I got plenty of time

(Also noticed that I put this as a horror originally, i didn't mean to, drama?)

Curiosity got me.
It's great, Matt!

Few quibbles, take or leave.


Amount to nothing – not mount
7 inch scars?  Whew! Bit much?

STUDENT (O.C.)
Suicide.
Not needed imho. Spoon feeding your audience. Or is it you've promised a speaking role to a friend?   ;)

Cadaver’s hair. (insert apostrophe)

Okay, you've got a grinding rib cutter, organ removal, the Observer slicing open his wrists, plus the
supernatural element, but you think this is drama? I say 'horror'.

What's everyone else think?
If I was going to sit down and watch a drama I'd be a tiny bit shocked if this started playing especially if I had kids in tow.


His father broke it so often I bet
it has more scars than a blind
carpenter.
I guess you're going for a little light relief but this doesn't quite work for me. I'm not your only audience though, so again see what others think.

on the cubital fossa
(checks groin)
And on the femoral vein.

Up to you but I've worked transcribing doctor reports and I've only ever heard them remark on damage 'to', not 'damage 'on'.

Bright clothes on the Observer?
I thought you might reference that changed by the end? Otherwise, why?


And a note about: (O.C.). Warren often remarks this is a TV thing only. And I looked it up, see below:

(O.C.) O.C. stands for “Off Camera,” which is different than Off Screen. Off Camera means the person we cannot see is in the same room as another character he/she is speaking with but cannot be seen because maybe the camera is trained on only one person.

So if Adam is at a table and the director has the camera at a close up on Adam, Adam will fill the screen. We can’t see anyone else. So if Stacey is at the other end of the table carrying on a conversation with Adam, all of her dialogue would be labeled as (O.C.) until she was brought into the shot, that is to say, appears on screen.

So, there's all that which tallies, but then this:

It’s important to remember that if you are writing a movie script you do not use (O.C.), you will use (O.S.) you will use (O.C.) when you are writing for television. (O.S.) = film (O.C.) = TV.

I'm used to seeing (O.S.) in film scripts. Just one for the format police.

...
Yep, they'd be mad to drink that plonk. Imagine if you dropped that bottle of whiskey? :o

Quoted from LC And a note about: (O.C.). Warren often remarks this is a TV thing only. And I looked it up, see

I think I usually say that people will know what you mean anyway. It's definitely more of a personal preference thing. Most of what I do comes out of The Screenwriter's Bible. People will probably say it’s just another guru trying to make a quick buck, but I really don’t think you can go wrong with it.

I think it's a solid base to start from and then develop your own style as you go.

https://www.booktopia.com.au/screenwriter-s-bible-david-trottier/book/9781935247104.html?source=pla&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI5Knf2fPC5QIVyBWPCh0RwQN3EAQYASABEgL8mvD_BwE

Hi Matt,

Quoted Text Gloved hands take a scalpel to the abdomen of a CADAVER.

I read this a few times and it doesn’t seem right. A gloved hand? Is he holding the scalpel with both hands while cutting, it’s just an odd image.

Quoted Text Observer raises both hands, as if comparing the weight of invisible objects. OBSERVER Loveless father, drug abuse. Same thing.

You have some really top notch subtext here and I feel it’s spoilt by the dialogue. I knew exactly what you meant without it.

Quoted Text SURGEON Cause of death, self inflicted wound leading to massive hemorrhaging.

self-inflicted    

Massive doesn’t feel like the right word for a surgeon or to come before hemorrhaging, maybe substantial?

This is a really good three pager. Good luck with the comp.

And yes... get rid of those unsightly (O.C.)'s :P

Quoted from LC Curiosity got me. STUDENT (O.C.) Suicide. Not needed IMHO. Spoon feeding your audience. Or is it you've promised a speaking role to a friend?   ;)

Ha! I wish I had the guts to make this myself (and the cash).
At this point, the surgeon is standing there with his eyes closed, so I guess the student could just say "Doctor?" - (Although in the UK, surgeons apparently get pissed if you call them Docter instead of Mr/Mrs)

Quoted Text Okay, you've got a grinding rib cutter, organ removal, the Observer slicing open his wrists, plus the supernatural element, but you think this is drama? I say 'horror'. What's everyone else think? If I was going to sit down and watch a drama I'd be a tiny bit shocked if this started playing especially if I had kids in tow

Good point well made - My brain always jumps to horror = scary. This isn't scary, but I guess it is a bit gross lol

Quoted Text His father broke it so often I bet it has more scars than a blind carpenter. I guess you're going for a little light relief but this doesn't quite work for me. I'm not your only audience though, so again see what others think.

No idea - I wrote about 20 different lines for this part, they were all terrible. Might step away rom this one for a couple of weeks and come back with fresh eyes.

Quoted Text on the cubital fossa (checks groin) And on the femoral vein. Up to you but I've worked transcribing doctor reports and I've only ever heard them remark on damage 'to', not 'damage 'on'.

Bugger, I originally had "to" and changed it

Quoted Text Bright clothes on the Observer? I thought you might reference that changed by the end? Otherwise, why?

Yes, that was the plan - have the clothes and his skin fade by the end, but I ran into two issues:

1 - page count, kept pushing me over.
2 - organically adding it in. Everytime I did it was something like "The Observers clothes fade with every passing moment" - Which kind of pulled me out of the story a bit. I didn't know how to get it in there naturally with the action.

Quoted Text And a note about: (O.C.). Warren often remarks this is a TV thing only. And I looked it up, see below: (O.C.) O.C. stands for “Off Camera,” which is different than Off Screen. Off Camera means the person we cannot see is in the same room as another character he/she is speaking with but cannot be seen because maybe the camera is trained on only one person. So if Adam is at a table and the director has the camera at a close up on Adam, Adam will fill the screen. We can’t see anyone else. So if Stacey is at the other end of the table carrying on a conversation with Adam, all of her dialogue would be labeled as (O.C.) until she was brought into the shot, that is to say, appears on screen. So, there's all that which tallies, but then this: It’s important to remember that if you are writing a movie script you do not use (O.C.), you will use (O.S.) you will use (O.C.) when you are writing for television. (O.S.) = film (O.C.) = TV. I'm used to seeing (O.S.) in film scripts. Just one for the format police.

Warren has told me a few times to use O.S instead of O.C - for some reason, my auto reaction is to type O.C and it's hard to break a habit - need to try and make it part of my rewriting to find these things.

Again, thanks for the useful notes and observations - Very helpful. Fingers crossed one day one of these are made (If not, I'll save up the money and film one myself)

Quoted from Warren Hi Matt, I read this a few times and it doesn’t seem right. A gloved hand? Is he holding the scalpel with both hands while cutting, it’s just an odd image. You have some really top notch subtext here and I feel it’s spoilt by the dialogue. I knew exactly what you meant without it. self-inflicted     Massive doesn’t feel like the right word for a surgeon or to come before hemorrhaging, maybe substantial? This is a really good three pager. Good luck with the comp. And yes... get rid of those unsightly (O.C.)'s :P

Thanks for the read Warren - you read the old version but I think your points still stand with the new version.

Gloved hands is rather odd isn't it. wouldn't trust a surgeon who had to use two hands on a scalpel lol

I do struggle with how much to feed to the audience, and I do think I fall on the side of spoon feeding. I might have to get my better half to read these first and quiz her on the plot and subtext.

Thanks again

Hey, Matt. How ya doin', Dude? Gave this a read.

Kinda confused. Seems like you are setting up the Observer to be the Cadaver, but then you reveal that the Observer and the Surgeon have the same exact scar, so... The Observer is actually the Surgeon? I don't know, Dude. I think it would work better if he was actually the Cadaver. It's a little predictable, but I feel like it's a more satisfying conclusion.

The writing itself is actually pretty good. No issues or hang ups on that front.

Solid effort here.




:)

Quoted from Zack Hey, Matt. How ya doin', Dude? Gave this a read. Kinda confused. Seems like you are setting up the Observer to be the Cadaver, but then you reveal that the Observer and the Surgeon have the same exact scar, so... The Observer is actually the Surgeon? I don't know, Dude. I think it would work better if he was actually the Cadaver. It's a little predictable, but I feel like it's a more satisfying conclusion. The writing itself is actually pretty good. No issues or hang ups on that front. Solid effort here. :)

Hey Zack! I am good, hope you are well  :)

Thanks for the read - seems everyone had the same issue with the observer's identity (And here I thought I was being clever lol)
The new version is up with a little switch of identities   :)

Hey Matt,

Liked what you did with the writing on this one. Flows nicely, and was very easy to read. At no point did I feel I needed to leave the script.

That sounds like false praise, but really isn't! So many scripts have me wanting to hit the x.

That said, I was a little bamboozled with the reveal (most seem to have got it); I'm not at all sure what happens here? I felt a little hoodwinked, that is to say it felt like you were deliberately being deceptive to mask a reveal as opposed to an organic unfolding that leads to a surprising conclusion. If that makes any sense at all!

Good luck with the competition. I'm sure it will do well.

Hi matthew

Had a quick read and also the comments above.

I think this has potential, and whilst I’m never a fan of readers suggesting alternative ways to present it, that’s just what I’m going to do !!

I don’t feel the surgeon should know it was his son - in reality would he never be allowed to do this if he knew.

I would suggest it is set up as just a druggie bum off the streets - one to use for the students. I could even then see the observer enter the room, or appear

I would prefer the observer to be his son, and thought this was the case, but perhaps standing amongst the students, but clearly not one of them

I like the way the surgeon could reveal the dark history of the corpse - which the observer then explains why

One possible idea is a mark, a tattoo etc, that the surgeon finds at the end which makes him suddenly realise the connection. If so, you would have two options. Either it hits him hard or we see the coldness that lead to the sons issues in the first place.

All the best

What draft is this Matthew?  Hopefully, a very early one, as there are lots of mistakes.

"mount" - "amount"  "of" - "off"  "cadavers" - "cadaver's"  There are more, but these are all on the final page.

Story-wise, for me, it's rather cliche and obvious from the very beginning, but that's because of how you chose to write it - it's a dead give away the second I read "observer".  Do you want to give away the "twist"  If not, add the actual observer's name right off the bat and have this "ghost" or whatever you want it to be, be one of the students (and I wouldn't have them huddled around the Surgeon - have them watching from an observation room) or maybe watching from afar.

If you read this out loud to yourself, do you see how odd it sounds every time you write both "Surgeon" and "Observer"?  Peeps do this shit all the time and I just don't understand how they don't see how crappy it reads.  "the Surgeon" sounds much better.  "The observer" sounds much better.  But personally, I'd lose both.

"Gloved hands" doesn't work at all.  The "blind carpenter" line doesn't work, either.

Obviously, if we think about reality here, this doesn't work, period, but that's OK, it doesn't have to.

You can very easily apply some misdirection here by making a few changes, and that way your readers won't know if the observer is a friend or family member of the deceased, and an/or maybe that the Surgeon was involved in his death, possibly.

There is potential here, but for me, it doesn't work at all as written.

Hey, Matt. Read through this again. Definitely an improvement, at least IMO.

I believe Black Screen should be on the left. And just Black will do.

I've noticed a few others have taken issue with the "gloved hands" description. Doesn't bug me. I'm seeing what you want me to see.

(O.C.)? I believe that's TV-format. Could be wrong.

Lose the Student's line "Suicide." Cheapens the impact of the moment.

Overall, this draft is much better. A few small typos that need to be ironed out, but it's good little story. Not sure horror is the right genre. Maybe drama?




;D

Thank you for the responses guys! much appreciated. Will help towards a rewrite.

Another rewrite and a few tweaks and I think this is ready to go.

Quoted from Zack Not sure horror is the right genre. Maybe drama?

I have no idea what genre this is.... can I make up a genre? I'm gonna go with "Icky Drama"

Let me know when you get the next draft up, Dude.

Hey, Matt

I'm guessing this is the rewrite because of the ending. And, I really don't have much to add but job well done. I enjoyed it. Clean writing, enjoyed the story. However, I read before reading the comments, and I still got the cadaver and Observer as one and the same, as the son. I think it works better that way, whether it seems "obvious" or not; it's still effective. I hope it does well.

BLB.

I thought this was well written, well crafted. It's a compelling story other than I couldn't quite get over the Surgeon doing the autopsy on his own son. Maybe movie logic allows that.

The last line doesn't land. I'd nuke it or replace it with something akin to Find your peace or maybe something contrarian - i.e., it was you who failed me - or I forgive you

Or nothing would work.

Anyway - great work.

Thank you both for the comments - I have decided against entering it into the competition as the prize for winning didn't really seem worth it - but I will hopefully do something with it.

Yes, the Son/Cadaver.Observer all being the same isn't meant to be a surprise, viewers will get there quickly - It's more about the revelation for the father as his son's body tells him a story.

Thanks for the reads

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Thank you both for the comments - I have decided against entering it into the competition as the prize for winning didn't really seem worth it - but I will hopefully do something with it. Yes, the Son/Cadaver.Observer all being the same isn't meant to be a surprise, viewers will get there quickly - It's more about the revelation for the father as his son's body tells him a story. Thanks for the reads

My pleasure

Hey Matt!

I'm just getting back on the boards after a while and saw you're pretty active so I thought I'd check out some of the stories in your signature.

I read this through first, then went back and read some of the comments.  I saw this was written for a 3 page competition, and I think you did great for that forced amount of pages!  But now that that parameter's been lifted, I'm curious if you've considered visiting this again without that constraint?  I think it would work really well and there's more you'd be able to do!

Also in the comments, I read that the observer was actually a younger version of the surgeon.  I didn't get that at all, so I went back and read it again, and still didn't get that gist.  Then, I read further in the comments, and saw that was originally how the story went, but this was an updated version, and now the observer was the son. And now it makes sense again!

All in all, I did really like the story and I think it's a really cool premise, but it did leave me with a few questions... The main being 'Did the surgeon know it was his son the whole time?' It seems that he did. And if he accepted the body knowing it was his son, it does show how cold and callous he really is. But then the tears at the end of the autopsy don't really ring true. At least to me.

But that's really the only problem I had with it. And like I said, I understand the short page count, but I also think this one could be explored just a little deeper to get an even bigger arch of the surgeon's emotions, and maybe give a little more rationale of his tears at the end.

I'm liking your writing so far and I'll be checking out some more of your stuff!

- Mark

Hey Mark

Thanks for checking this out.

Yeah this one chopped and changed a bit after getting helpful advice from the boards.

The idea behind the final version is that he was cold and callous and so put his own sons body forward for medical training, but as he goes through the organs and scars he starts to actually see what his son went through, and gets to know him more now than he ever did when he was alive, and is hit with the guilt of that.

Good point though, I’ve never actually considered extending it past 3 pages which I can do now.

A student filmed it last year but I’ve yet to see the finished version.

That’s again for checking it out (I haven’t updated my signature much, you might find the quality of scripts varies as some are from quite a while ago lol)
I do have a feature on the boards somewhere (42.2) that I should really add to my signature

All the best

Matt

'42.2' is the name of it? I'll add it to the list! When you find the link for it, let me know and I'll check it out!

Yea 42.2 is the title, found the link

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-thriller/m-1673387831/

Have you got anything up on the boards (or coming soon) you want reading?