CJ Vecchio,
Because you wrote "The Void of Space' and I liked it, I searched by your name and found this script.
Read it and liked it. The central idea is great and you have successfully given some nice visuals.
The opening teaser was terrific. The script started well but was okay in the dialogue department.
Few observations:
Quoted Text NAKED MAN (V.O.)
Murdered? This is crazy...a DREAM!
DAMMIT JACK WAKE-UP! |
So, Jack is shocked and doesn't believe that he is murdered. But later on Pg. 31..
Quoted Text JACK
Unsolved? It was my fucking
partner! |
He remembers every detail. This needs to be corrected.
The DANCER/HOPE is in human form. But later on Pg. 28
Quoted Text DANCER
And walk around YOUR people looking
like this? How long will that last? |
If the DANCER/HOPE can take a human form, any Telcon can. Why did she say that they needed a human to go back so that people on earth don't freak out?
On Pg. 40
Quoted Text HOPE
I just altered their records
showing all paid-off and clear. |
If she can alter the records just like that, why can't she re-schedule the bus which needs to be saved later? In fact, she alone can save a lot of lives like that.
On Pg. 43
Quoted Text DET. JERRY YOUNG
I don't think it was gang
retaliation. One man in and one man
out. |
How did Jerry know that it was one man? Maybe witnesses told him so. Then...
Quoted Text DET. JERRY YOUNG
One white guy? |
He is surprised. Either he knows it or he doesn't.
I was expecting this to be something else but it turned out into a superhero story, which is my favorite genre too. So no complaints there. But, you gave him too many powers, made him invincible. You need to give him some weaknesses. Don't make him another superman.
Just my personal opinion.
Overall, really good writing. Liked it!