Break by David Anthony Farnum - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy - A stay-at-home dad manages to kill a burglar during a break-in while his wife is out with the girls, but instead of calling the cops, he scrambles to hide the body before his wife gets home. 11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

David,

Gave this a read and sorry to say I'm not quite sure what to make of this. Had the father died, or was he still alive? Was he the intruder or was it just someone who looked like him -- at least his eyes. All I was able to gather was that the father was a drunk, and so was Issac. If the father is indeed dead, then Issac recognizing his father's eyes doesn't necessarily make sense, save for the fact that the behavior might have brought back memories.

You seem to have a decent feel for writing, but a Little clarity as well as cutting down your action blocks to three lines or less to really get to the essence of what you're trying to convey to the reader.

I'll have another go at this to see if there's anything I missed. Good luck!

Steve

Okay, my bad. According to your logline the father is dead. Right. But who the hell is this masked intruder and why don't we get to see him? Just some random murderer who goes around killing drunks? So, there's that. Another thing that seemed out of left field and was never explained was that metal door on the side of the hill at the cemetery. There was a banging coming from it to match Issac's heartbeat, yet it's never explained! Man.

Hopefully you show up, David. Would love to hear what your story is all about and what I'm missing.

Steve

Hey there Steven,

Thanks for taking a bit of time to read through and digest my work here. It’s my first draft so definitely a message to all, rip into this script with as sharp as teeth as possible! It’s only 4 pages so chewing the fat off of every single second really makes a difference.

So, as I find myself doing quite often, I try to write scripts that are riddled with metaphors and symbols while also trying to balance out the fact that the story needs to make sense outside of that symbolism. I tend to not get that balance where it needs to be and my stories don’t make sense.

In this case, the idea is that alcoholism and addiction, abuse and neglect, and isolation from each other basically killed this family. Hence, a faceless intruder. The father died, who was the main source of pain for this family, but the damaged family he left behind was too far gone to rebuild itself after his death.

Jacob died alone because his mother and brother were both too busy burying their own pain in the same poison that killed their father. Isaac was too drunk to notice anything was even amiss in the house, and it made for an easy target for the intruder. The mother will come home and either be killed just the same or forced to live with the ghosts of her children who she abandoned for alcohol.

The door in the side of the hill is actually a loose end I meant to tidy up better. Wanted to use the door as a way of showing the pain and isolation Isaac has felt is locked deep inside himself, but on the day he finally follows his fathers foot steps and starts drinking that pain is transformed into something evil and helps destroy the family.

I guess the idea is that the intruder is like an evil spirit locked up with their dead father until the family fails to cope with what he left behind and this evil spirit is released again and destroys them all.

Like I said, four pages is a lot to cram this all into, but definitely open to all sorts of criticism to get this right.

Also, I am producing/directing this myself in my own home with a super micro-budget. So, worried about story and characters far above script format. All criticism is welcome, though.

Hi David,

Thanks for the explanation you gave regarding the script. It was very visual, and yes, some of the writings could be shortened. However, if you're planning on doing this yourself on your set that doesn't really matter too much.

Actually, the metal door in the cemetery I tried to match with the car door when Isaac gets home that night, and then opens the front door.

Enjoyed the title. "Alcoholism and addiction, abuse and neglect, and isolation from each other basically killed this family. Hence, a faceless intruder." Can see that now. Incorporate those metaphors into the script more strongly, that's my main suggestion.

~Arundel

David,

I get what you’re saying and it makes sense. Where it doesn’t make sense it to the reader. The reader being the one you wrote the script for in the first place. So, yes, it helps for it to make sense. I understand it all now that you explain it, of course, but it reads very ambiguous. Yes, that locked door is a misstep. Also, I think the whole family being alcoholics is never seen, but only mentioned in dialogue, save for Issac. The brother just telling us over the phone isn’t enough. I know you want to keep it short but there’s a lot to deal with here, and just a mere mention, which reads on the nose because it spells it out in no uncertain terms, is not enough.

Also, I feel the killer needs some backstory that connects him to this family. Why is he here? Robbery gone bad? Issac’s brother owed him drug money? He needs a good motive to be there. Some random dude who just kills people isn’t enough.

So basically if you’re going to shoot this yourself then all the luck in the world to you, bro! From this outsiders eye, everything here reads kinda random and misdirected.

Steve

Arundel- The idea of the locked metal door and the car door is interesting. I just need to find a more clear and concise way to match up the images of unlocked doors to contrast with the locked door in the cemetery. I might also have to abandon the idea in pursuit of a better image.

Steve- I’m certainly looking at a few rewrites before this is where I want to be so working on my precision is my number one priority right now. I think what I’ve done wrong here is brought the reader into the story (this family’s self-destruction) a bit too late for it to: 1) Make sense 2) Be meaningful to the reader and 3) Leave room for the reader to question whether or not the family will make it out of this alright. There’s no suspense or build-up aside from the fact that some guy is in the house. I think that also speaks to the intruder being sort of pointless and random. There’s no tension in the story. It’s a broken spring by the time the reader arrives. I’ll work on it, and thanks again.

Let me know if there’s anything of yours that I could read through and give some thoughts on! That goes to both of y’all.

Quoted from Talldave Hey there Steven, Thanks for taking a bit of time to read through and digest my work here. It’s my first draft so definitely a message to all, rip into this script with as sharp as teeth as possible! It’s only 4 pages so chewing the fat off of every single second really makes a difference. So, as I find myself doing quite often, I try to write scripts that are riddled with metaphors and symbols while also trying to balance out the fact that the story needs to make sense outside of that symbolism. I tend to not get that balance where it needs to be and my stories don’t make sense. In this case, the idea is that alcoholism and addiction, abuse and neglect, and isolation from each other basically killed this family. Hence, a faceless intruder. The father died, who was the main source of pain for this family, but the damaged family he left behind was too far gone to rebuild itself after his death. Jacob died alone because his mother and brother were both too busy burying their own pain in the same poison that killed their father. Isaac was too drunk to notice anything was even amiss in the house, and it made for an easy target for the intruder. The mother will come home and either be killed just the same or forced to live with the ghosts of her children who she abandoned for alcohol. The door in the side of the hill is actually a loose end I meant to tidy up better. Wanted to use the door as a way of showing the pain and isolation Isaac has felt is locked deep inside himself, but on the day he finally follows his fathers foot steps and starts drinking that pain is transformed into something evil and helps destroy the family. I guess the idea is that the intruder is like an evil spirit locked up with their dead father until the family fails to cope with what he left behind and this evil spirit is released again and destroys them all. Like I said, four pages is a lot to cram this all into, but definitely open to all sorts of criticism to get this right.

Hey, David - one nit:

Quoted Text JACOB Hey...

Needs to be V.O or through the phone - I had to re-read this several times to get that he wasn't in the scene - I know that you are producing yourself - but it would help the readers.

I admire the ambition in this one - but not quite sure you pulled it off.  The connections were confusing and I didn't get at what you were going for at all until I read the above explanation from you. I'm nit sure it becomes any clearer if you film it.

I think you should consider adding a narrator - get rid of all dialogue other than his - maybe the Intruder can be the Narrator - just a voice to make the connections for us. Just spit balling

eldave- I didn’t consider using a narrator, but I like the idea. This doubles up the point Steven was making about the intruder needing to be more significant to the story. I think my best bet is to do a bit of character mapping. I’m hoping I’ll see a new angle to this idea.

I think I need to find a character who isn’t drunk.the whole script and use that as my point of view. Following the destructive older brother is a bit blinding. It’s almost like the audience is in the drunken stupor with him, where things barely seem to make sense and connections are glazed over.

Quoted from Talldave eldave- I didn’t consider using a narrator, but I like the idea. This doubles up the point Steven was making about the intruder needing to be more significant to the story. I think my best bet is to do a bit of character mapping. I’m hoping I’ll see a new angle to this idea. I think I need to find a character who isn’t drunk.the whole script and use that as my point of view. Following the destructive older brother is a bit blinding. It’s almost like the audience is in the drunken stupor with him, where things barely seem to make sense and connections are glazed over.

Good luck - make sure you post when this is filmed - will be interested to see how it translates.

I went back and wrote a new treatment for this film. Where could I post a treatment for critique??

David, probably here is good via a Dropbox link, or similar, seeing as it is a Treatment for this script?

Alternatively, you could post a link to the WIP thread.

I’m pretty sure when you upload your script to the Submit Your Script link there is an option to upload a treatment along with your script.

Thanks for the FYI, Steve. I didn't know that re Treatments.. :)
David can upload the treatment ticking the existing script with Don, I presume?

Quoted from LC Thanks for the FYI, Steve. I didn't know that re Treatments.. :) David can upload the treatment ticking the existing script with Don, I presume?

I’m pretty sure if it, yes.

Totally revamped this entire script to be a dark comedy instead of a thriller, but stuck with the home invasion angle because I am dead set on filming this myself! My biggest concern: is this actually funny? Be brutally honest! I ask you say the three rudest things you can possibly think of when reviewing this.

I liked this a lot better in it's original form, the serious tone. Unfortunately, I didn't find it funny at all. The logline made it sound like it could be, but nothing really humorous to be found here. Maybe if the intruder had a comic angle to himself as well?

Also, too many descriptions with statements that don't show us action. They tell what is going on in the characters' heads. Some examples below italicized (hopefully)

She purses her lips, is there anything left to say at this
point? No, so she heads back to the house

Max's face is crinkled up like the plastic bag they used to
carry around the dead body. What the fuck is going on here

But there was more too.

I'm not saying this couldn't be funny. Perhaps if we could identify more with John. What if this was a Full House episode -- one gone horribly wrong that is.

Thanks for giving this a second read! Really appreciate it.

Not sure I’m grasping your last comment fully. Are you saying John could be more like a Danny Tanner to make him more relatable? Or the entire script could be rewritten as a mock Full House episode to give it a better contextual shell?

Quoted from Talldave Not sure I’m grasping your last comment fully. Are you saying John could be more like a Danny Tanner to make him more relatable? Or the entire script could be rewritten as a mock Full House episode to give it a better contextual shell?

Yeah, but not literally. If you make a character where we go "of all people for this to happen to," like Costanza or Larry David...

That’s the sort of feeling I was aiming for actually, so it’s good to know I didn’t hit my mark! Thank you!

Hey Dave,

So, this had some amusing parts but the overall logic of your main character just kills the story overall. I get it, maybe his wife Darcy's a neat freak and he's scared of messing up the house, but it's too much of a reach that he wouldn't call the cops and that she wouldn't understand. In fact, it's probably something she'd want to know. I just couldn't get past that at all. Maybe if he, himself, were hiding something that he didn't want the cops to know about, I'd get it. Or maybe he was hiding something from his wife (maybe he has another woman there or had another woman). And the situation as a whole doesn't really seem to have any real payoff or punchline. Everything just plays out until Darcy comes home and sees that house seems clean. Not much punch to that punch line.

Some notes as I read:

Quoted Text John (30's) is a typical, disheveled stay-at-home dad. Covered in assorted food stains and possibly body fluids.

Is the typical stay-at-home dad always disheveled? Maybe leave out the typical.

Not sure why you have the sub scene headings bold-faced but not the actual scene headings.

Also, you have the main credits roll during this scuffle with the intruder? How many credits are there? As a short, I just think having the title card come up after the intruder is knocked out with the rolling pin, maybe over black, would be fine. It’s a short, you don’t want to waste too much time with opening credits when there’s going to be end credits anyway.

I do think it’s funny that even the intruder is respectful enough to fight quietly as the baby is sleeping… reminds of that scene in “The Other Guys” where they’re at a funeral trying to fight quietly out of respect for the people in mourning.

PAGE 3 – Wow, this intruder’s got a hard head. How is he still fighting back after a rolling pin to the noggin?

PAGE 4 – How does a cum rag end up in the kitchen garbage? This might play better if he was in his bedroom. And the flashback seems out of nowhere. Maybe he was whacking off or something earlier in the script? Unless this “woman” we see in the flashback is important to the story (maybe he’s cheating on his wife?)

Also, why is trying to clean up. Why wouldn’t he call the cops at this point?

PAGE 5 –

Quoted Text John tip toes down the stairs until he sees Max turn and start to walk away. John tries to quicken his pace. He trips at the last step. He yanks the door open while using it as a crutch to pull himself back to his feet. He leans up against the doorframe, cool as a cucumber.

I’m all for physical comedy ala Chevy Chase, but it doesn’t really come across as funny on paper.

PAGE 5 –

Quoted Text JOHN Kait can't find out about this-- Frankie can't find out about this. It'll traumatize both of them...and Kait would never let me hear the end of this. MAX What is wrong with you?

Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking. John’s logic is pretty dumb. I don’t think anyone in the audience would be able to identify with him on his reasons for not calling the cops. Chalk it up as a bad decision by the character, but it just comes off as really, really dumb. Unless there’s some kind of twist coming up.

PAGE 6 – Wait, their burning the body on the fire pit and then cutting him up? Am I missing something?

PAGE 7 –

Quoted Text JOHN (CONT'D) What the fuck, dude? MAX What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck, fuck you. I'm not just going to sit in your kitchen holding a chopped up dead body while you drink a glass of fucking juice. JOHN It's milk.

This is kinda funny. But man, John is sure one dumb, bumbling character.

PAGE 8 – I like that Max dresses up as Santa to comfort Frankie and keep her distracted.

Ha! I like that she gets blood on her finger. Dark but funny.

I do think this can be salvaged by adding more layers and giving John a better reason to hide this from his wife and not call the cops.

-- Michael

Thanks for breaking things down Michael, reviews like this are awesome and super appreciated.

I'm not sure if I meant to make this Mr. Bean kills a home invader, but I definitely agree that without proper motivation and finesse, then that's what I'm essentially writing.

As people have caught on, I'm trying to make John the despicable but likeable Chevy Chase or Larry David archetype. Think I need to go back and do more character building!

Quoted Text Thanks for breaking things down Michael, reviews like this are awesome and super appreciated. I'm not sure if I meant to make this Mr. Bean kills a home invader, but I definitely agree that without proper motivation and finesse, then that's what I'm essentially writing. As people have caught on, I'm trying to make John the despicable but likeable Chevy Chase or Larry David archetype. Think I need to go back and do more character building!

Just a thought... I mean, John has a clean-up guy come by and help him clean up the mess (Uncle Max if I remember correctly?). What if John is also involved in some illegal stuff and the home invader is a rival or someone who is owed money or something? And maybe John's wife and kid think he's just a salesman or just a normal guy with a regular job?

Like I said, there's some funny stuff in it, it was just getting over John's motivation for hiding something like this and not calling the cops that kept it from reaching its potential.

-- Michael

That would probably work well considering that it would give it a sort of satirical Ozark type spin. Going to dig deep to see if I can come up with something that really tickles my fancy.

Maybe all it needs is a little tweak to make things fall into place, but won’t know until I start moving around some pieces!

Thanks again everyone!