Bucky by Jimwell Camilon - Drama - A former mobster tries to reconnect with his alienated son. Their relationship gets more complicated when his grandson gets murdered just a day after his return. 91 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Jimwell,

just decided to keep it with loglines and titles for now and today.

I give you a go on the title.

The logline as a whole, regarding its content between the lines, reads intriguing. The presentation on the other side isn't there yet. F.i. the second line's double-'his' wasn't clear on first sight. On second sight, I think to understand the context for sure, however, it's simply not articulated smooth, with the needed balance and style -identification and top form.

There are lots of issues. No location or time mentioned - which world is this?

Isn't it in your favor if you explain it to us so that we get a better orientation?

Who's the threatening villain or the antagonistic force?

Perhaps it might be even interesting to know the mobsters overall business (drugs, gambling...)

Man, the dramatic backbone of son, father, and the grandson as their both connector for their motives sounds great - but get it in shape ---- one clear sentence is to be expected if you want to show us the truth of what you got here. Or isn't it a earth-shattering 'family saga' drama in the crime sector that you want to present here... perhaps I'm wrong ;-) I doubt so though. Work on it. Put the story's heart and atmosphere all in. The potential sounds truly great.

Good luck