Hello
I'm finally back.
Quoted Text PETER
...Yes. All of our clients give us
the rights to their remains. |
This line set me up for confusion later down the line - "remains" imply that their customers are dead, and then they freeze their bodies. But Adam is frozen alive - you might want to think about the terminology here.
A couple of times you open a new scene with dialogue - this (from my extensive reading) is a big no-no. You need to at least set the scene - what are we looking at?
Peter hasn't been introduced properly - actually none of the characters are - when introducing a character, their names are CAPPED and we give a brief description - not so much a list of what they are wearing, but more the essence of the character...
PETER (35) perches in a large leather Chesterfield chair, he plucks a piece of flint from his pinstripe jacket, straightens his tie.
The above (although quickly written) gives us a visual description and also, hopefully, a brief insight into the character.
Cut the unnecessary - I'm not going to pick them all out, but sometimes we have to be brutal with our own scripts and hack away at what is not necessary. Sometimes it's entire scenes and characters, but sometimes it's just a few words or sentences.
"Our protagonist"
"Half-way through a conversation."
The above seems entirely unnecessary.
The opening of a family watching the news in the kitchen, for example, seems unnecessary. They are not characters in this story - now if the opening was of Adam watching the news, and hearing about this technology, that would make more sense.
Unfilmables - You will hear this term a lot when getting reviews and reading reviews. Sometimes they are hotly debated and you will decide for yourself how much and to what extent you want to include unfilmable. But, the following example is (I beleive) a good example of what not to do...
Quoted Text This tycoon of the oil and tobacco industry lives in a
mansion encompassing more than 500 acres. Adam lives alone,
never married and no children.
His antique car collection is the only thing that gives him
company besides his maid service. Adam walks around his
house. He enters his living room. Sitting down he takes a
sip from his glass of whiskey. He begins to reminisce. |
This is chocked full of information that cannot be shown on the screen - remember that we are writing for the screen, think and write visually.
How can we see he is an oil and tobacco tycoon?
How can we see he lives alone, never been married and has no children?
How do we know the cars are the only things that keep him company?
Rather than just telling us these things, show us.
How about we see him walking around a vast garage of vintage cars, caressing them as he goes past - He goes into his house and on the walls are framed paper clippings or awards for being a savvy businessman, but what isn't there are pictures of a wife or kids.
Somehow convey what you want us to think of this man visually - the way you have it at the moment does not convert to screen.
Dammit, I've run out of time again...