Cuba Road by CJ Vecchio - Short, Horror - Five teenagers on a dare to disprove an urban legend, makes the fatal mistake of cruising down the haunted Cuba Road. 25 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Chris:

Overall, nice job here. Horror is not my thing, but you kept me interested.

I'd be tempted to start with an establishing shot of the SUV - i.e., like an overview of it travelling down the road to kind of establish the isolation of the spot - maybe that's just me.

I didn't buy this:

Quoted Text Diane notices a WHITE CURL in his hair. DIANE Holy Shit that just happened! I scared Matt WHITE! She tugs at it. BOB You're right! It looks like he also pissed himself too! MATT Ha! Ha! Screw you all! While Matt examines his new white curl, Jerry starts reading from his cell phone.

I know you need it thematically, but I didn't find it believable that they would treat it so non-nonchalantly - the dude's hair is turning colors.  To me, almost better if we (the reader see it), but they don't until later in the story - hey, you get something on your hair...? - midway through the story.

Would have liked a more compelling reason for them to take the trip down the road - like it was going to be a prank on one of the kids to scare the shit out of them - ooops - it went wrong. Or a dare of some sort. Basically, a better why they went down that road.

Also wouldn't have Diane in a full cheerleader suit - seemed out of place given the others - i.e., she would have changed.

There were a few places where the dialogue seemed dated. e.g.,

Quoted Text DIANE Relax spaz! I'm just messing with you.

Kids really say spaz anymore?  I'm guessing that you are a bit older (50s??) - it's a problem I have too when I write younger - I write from when I was a kid vs. kids now. Look to freshen it up - more modern - or - set the story back in a time that matches your youth.

The kids voices tend to blend together after awhile - probably happens, but the characters start to read a bit the same as we go on - consider making at least one really different - e.g., maybe one is an intellectual/nerd type.

The above are all just food for thought things - overall the story is a good one and generally well told. Another pass or two at it and I think you're there.
Hope this helps.  

Awesome advice as always!

I originally had a "Establishing Shot" at the beginning, will add it back in.

Great point on the "Hair Changing Color" and "Reason" for turning down Cuba Road.

You're 100% correct on my age (51) and I will ask my GF 15-year-old son on what are the current hip slang these days.

I actually spent the day at White Cemetery tweeking my second draft, just to get that creepy vibe.  

My pleasure. Good luck with this I think you're real close. Hopefully up few other peeps will weigh in

Hey, Chris. Gave this a look. Not a good start with that clunky logline.

A lot of writing mistakes, Dude. I had to bow out at the bottom of page 5 with the slug: INT. GTO'S GAS PEDAL.

A lot of telling when you need to be showing the audience. Screenwriting is supposed to be visual. Show me what I'm seeing.

Reading some of the dialog out loud, some of it is pretty comical. It's not all bad, but I wouldn't say any of the dialog is particularly good.

Story-wise, I didn't get much out of it since I only got to page 5. What little bit I did get wasn't awful, but it wasn't very original at all. I did like the imagery of the black GTO approaching from behind. ;D

Sorry for sounding so harsh, Dude. Only trying to help you improve this. I'll try to read the rest of it after work tomorrow and give you my thoughts on the full story.



:-/

Totally correct on the INT. GTO'S GAS PEDAL. and it's already out of the second draft. Thx

Hey, Chris. I finished this up.

The writing continues to be an issue throughout. I understood what you were trying to say, so that's good. But this needs to be cleaned up quite a bit.

Unfortunately, the dialog actually gets worse as the script goes along.

Story-wise, I think there is some potential here. It's like a mix of Jeepers Creepers and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Not very original, but still pretty interesting. There's a lot of potential for some cool, creepy visuals.

The characters are pretty dumb and consistently make illogical decisions.

As for the ending, I see what you are going for, but it doesn't quite work for me. Maybe just end it with a close up of the bloody teddy bear in the street?

Sorry to sound so harsh. Just want to help you improve your writing. I'd suggest reading more screenplays so you can get a idea of how to write more visually.

Best of luck with this, Dude.



:-/

Thanks for your input, will tweak.  :)