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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Drama Scripts / What's Left
Posted by: Don, December 2nd, 2019, 12:27pm
What's Left. by Alan-Michael Howells - Short, Drama - In a post-apocalyptic U.S., a teen named Jack ventures from Oregon across the states to New York, in hopes of uniting with his long lost girlfriend. 5 pagesd - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: AH, December 3rd, 2019, 6:46am; Reply: 1
It's just the opening pages. I'm trying to set a tone and I'm not sure if I accomplished that yet.
Posted by: eldave1, December 3rd, 2019, 12:12pm; Reply: 2
Pretty good, IMO. - Although several format errors.typos. e.g.,
Quoted Text BOOK READER (V.O.) Chapter 72: The Monkey-Rope.
BOOK READER (cont'd) In the tumultuous business of cutting-in and attending to a whale, there is much running backwards and forwards among the crew... He stirs his beans. Dipping his tongue into the ladle, he spits. He head quickly snaps right...something's got his eye. |
No need for back to back BOOK READER - just make it one dialogue block.
Quoted Text MAN and a scrawny apprentice. They meet eye sight. The two men stop.
|
Scrawny Apprentice should be in CAPS
Quoted Text BULKY MAN Well look what we got here Jim. You mind if we join ya'?
|
Need a comma after here.
Quoted Text JIM Sure does smell good mister'.
|
Need a comma after good.
Just nitty stuff - thought it had a pretty good vibe to it.
Posted by: Kirsten, December 8th, 2019, 6:32am; Reply: 3
Hi there,
This is a good story, I enjoyed it and (SPOILERS!!!).....
the twist. I can see how it is the beginning of something big, and you've created a great hook, but it works well as short. I forgot it was apocalyptic, so the ending for me was more powerful. I wonder if you took out the apocalyptic part in the logline the twist would work better for the audience.
Because of my ignorance, I was asking questions such as why is this guy by a fire in the woods, why is this guy so quick to be offended, why does he have a gun in his pocket, why did he just shoot them all? Then with that great twist you answered all my questions, which is brilliant.
Good job....
Posted by: AH, December 8th, 2019, 7:23am; Reply: 4
I'm glad you enjoyed it ! :D At this point he made it to New York, did he find the girl? I don't know yet. This could be the beginning and ending scene depends upon where the characters take me.
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