Thankshitting by William David Glenn IV - Short, Comedy - A black sheep of a well-off family clogs the toilet on Thanksgiving and must unclog it to prove his worth. 9 pages

production: Five characters. Mostly one location - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not sure what makes this a comedy unless shit itself is funny, and I guess it is for a lot of people. This reads more like drama to me. A dysfunctional family dealing with a whole host of issues: alcoholism, divorce, sibling rivalry, parental favoritism, etc. And the reveal that the favored son is actually in awe of the black sheep is really nice. But I really think the scatological bathroom stuff is simply not as funny as you think or want it to be.

One technical thing I'd change is the "strange" picture hanging in the bathroom. "Strange" is a very nebulous word. I think your story would be better served by describing the picture to "show" its strangeness...but only if it somehow relates to the arc of the story. If it doesn't really contribute to the story you should probably ditch it altogether.

@William,

hmm, have you ever read the opening to dumb and dumber, the jokes start from the get-go.  

And so does MY review...

The characters are switching from one mood to another, feels like they are on crack.

Look, comedy is tough. The reason is that it requires interpretation on the readers part. If a criminal profiler is hunting down a psycho serial killer preying on underage girls, there's no doubt about the intenseness of that situation. But if a homeless man runs into a convenience store needing to take a shit, that may or may not be funny depending about the quality of work and sense of humor.  Some people like crude humor, some don't. Some like sarcasm. Some like dry humor.

You're going to get a million opinions here. Some valid, some... well, crazy.  Maybe you think mine is one of the crazy ones.  Cool.  No prob.

Now, on with the critique.  I've got this feeling that I should be chuckling at your script but I'm not sure whether that's allowed, since for all I know it could be a serious study in family and social grouping dysfunction rather than comedy.  Almost reads like something, from someone off their psych meds.  It's crazy, but not in a fun way.  Well, for me.

Gotta backtrack to mention the second thing, regardless of whether it's comedy or drama, my problem with this is a lack of sympathy for this guy.  The talent is there.  No doubt.  This is what I felt in my gut when I read this.  I just think you need to find the correct tone and stick with it.

My spidey sense tells me .... hmmm. I'll stop here.  Anyway, good luck.- :)-A

I was not impressed with this script.  It started out well.  Once it turned its attention to the "bathroom antics", you lost me.  Nothing about what happened in the bathroom can be considered as "humorous".  I did not find it funny nor entertaining.

What started out strong in being an interesting script, ended in disaster.

Hi. You begin this script quite well then lose me in the second paragraph where you tell without showing. I cannot for the life of me see any humour in this screenplay. But I'm British and my sense of humour differs from most.

So for me it was a little infantile and senseless.

Also don't forget to state that you are ending a flashback.

And a beat is not a parentheses.

I usually use a beat as a quick cut to. Or break in sequence.