Corvette by Anton Spero - Short, Thriller - A girl is seeking for the new stuff, that tornado usually brings on her family field. She found a note where some guy is giving all rights for his Corvette in exchange for his life. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hello, Anton.

If you are serious about scriptwriting then I would suggest some study is needed - Looks to me like you have never read a screenplay.

The internet makes it very easy to learn the craft, read, learn, study and practice.

Best of luck to you.

Hmm,
yeah, Matthew is correct, you need to internalize the format of screenplays first. It's absolutely essential. Here's a link from a pretty popular organization ;-)

https://www.oscars.org/sites/oscars/files/scriptsample.pdf

Study this pattern and you'll make a huge step forward.

Otherwise, I skimmed a bit through the pages and it's easy to notice that you got a vivid imagination and lots of passion for storytelling on board. (I even buy into the premise from the logline, sounds quite interesting, albeit it needs to be rewritten as well… but that's secondary for now)

However, you need to stop directing the page, in case of describing from a technical perspective. That's completely the opposite of what you should do.

You really seem to have every shot precisely in your head and want to translate it on paper – which is generally fine – but you just use the completely wrong form and format.

Instead it should be character, story, story, story, world-building, story and not least character... presented as a chronological string.

Let simple and active language do the job of camera settings and all technical aspects of filmmaking. Just tell the story, simple and clear.

So, I would give it another shot if you may want to come back here with a script with page numbers, correct margins, a fluent text with line breaks and clear paragraphs written in present tense etc

Best of luck
Alex