Hi Tony - Hope you are well
I don't think I have seen your name pop up before - so welcome to the boards :-) EDIT: Turns out I read something of yours not 3 days ago lol This one was much better than that one.
Since you have posted this for consideration, I am under the assumption that you are looking to have this produced - If that is the case then you want to put your best foot forward, there is a lot of competition out there and you want yours to stand head and shoulders above the rest.
So I would recommend a title page, otherwise, it's like a novel without a cover, looks a bit naked.
Triple-check your work for errors - for instance, you have an instance of dialogue formatted as action, action formatted as dialogue, and some odd spacing between action blocks (looks like something was deleted and an extra blank line left in)
These things are easy to iron out, but if left it could result in the script being passed over - A bit like showing up to speed dating unwashed and in dirty clothes, you could be the greatest guy there but some will struggle to see past the presentation.
Unnecessarily specific detail - Like who is carrying what...
Quoted Text ERIN MILLER and her children ZOE and CARTER walk around the
edge of the playground toward an empty pavilion.
Erin carries a box of party decorations, Zoe carries a bag
with chips in it, and Carter carries a package of paper
plates. |
You want to capture the essence of the scene, and only dive in specifics if it's important to the narrative - For instance, the essence here is that they are a happy family carrying party supplies, so that is really all we need.
The specifics continue with the location of where they put the items on the table - The essence is that they have put them down.
You don't want to bog the reader down with information we don't need.
Characters - There are a lot of characters in this, not that confusing on screen, but if not handled correctly can be confusing to the reader. In this it is confusing.
You can reduce the confusion by introducing them properly (ages, brief description) this helps us to visualise and distinguish between characters - at the moment we only have names.
only CAP when introducing - Jacob is capped a few times, making me think he was a new character.
Don't name incendiary characters - Sarah, for example, plays no part in this, so she can have a generic title such as GIRL - if they have names, the reader assumes they are important.
I really liked this story - Although I think you need to highlight the fact that the grownups forget them when they disappear a bit better - the first few kids who disappear, show a parent just up and leaving because they suddenly don't know why they are there.
Zoe - She knows this guy is dangerous, she has seen kids disappear, then the parents leave without a care, yet she keeps on playing - I don't know how old she is, but I get the impression she should be doing something. Running up to a parent and asking why they are leaving, something.
The ending is a bit rushed - I think you need to inject a bit more thrill into this thriller, but it's a good starting point - This Ribbon Man is dangerous, but Zoe just continuing to play kind of downplays the danger, but what is really missing for me is the tension and suspense.
A little more research into what makes a great thriller is needed.
But as I say, this seems like a great jumping-off point - Well done.
Best of luck with your writing