Little Red by Daniel Piller - Short, Horror - Alone on a rescue mission, Little Red Riding Hood ventures through a ruined fairytale world and encounters old enemies. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thank you, Don, for posting the script.

I know this is only a SHORT short, that maybe not that much can be said about, but the idea here was to write a simple, moody piece, that maybe wouldn't be too difficult to turn into a short film. As well as an attempt to generally dip my feet in the water, I guess. Might try to make something longer out of this in the future.

Beautiful imagery evoked, and a pleasure to read, Dan.
For the most part the narration and description is pretty good, just a couple of places where less words used and apt verbs could up the pace.

A few nitpicks:

I'd get rid of 'somewhat surreal' and make it what I think you want that opening visual to be: hyperreal, or just surreal - vibrant colour - the true fairy-tale, in contrast to later where everything devolves.

The teen rubs her hands together
Calling her 'the teen' pulls me out of this... I'd just write: She rubs her hands together against the cold...'
Love the snow/ash visual.

Her hand seizes to tremble and tightly clasps the magazine.
seizes to tremble?
I think less is more here.

Her trembling hand holds the ammo, unable to use it, when
Unable to use it is a bit static imho. I'd personally delete that.
Hands shake...
She's desperate here, frantic.

duck tape? Hmm, duct tape is the more widely accepted, even though it was originally called: Duck - which I didn't know., actually.

Shouldn't she be eight years old when we first see her? And, I'd like to see her a bit younger than seventeen - personal preference I think. The younger she remains (with that automatic weapon) the more vulnerable and impressive visually, I think. Even a couple of years.

Why is SILHOUETTES, capped? Save that for sounds, if you must.

The hip description brings connotations of an old lady. Perhaps change the wound to arm, shoulder or leg?

She gets up with a sudden urgency, her body aching, and
briefly checks the bandages and medicines in her basket.

That's a big ol' tell re 'her body aching', showing us with her grimacing in pain, or clutching her hip, in this case, would do better. Or the pain in her eyes, on her face etc. You can get away with some tells but you want to show as much as possible. You already 'tell' in a few places, including: 'She is not surprised'.

Some really lovely narration:

Remember, little one... This is a
world with no stars to wish upon.
Where true love's kiss will not
wake you from a bad dream.
Loved that.

Why is the weapon disassembled? For dramatic effect only? I think you could get just as much suspense with her trembling fingers frantic to load the silver bullet.

Btw, I like that this is short. I'd leave it exactly as is.

Your denouement brings back memories of The Grey in that culminating scene, only here we cut to black on glowing eyes perhaps? of the marauding werewolves instead.

A few things to tighten, ramp up the pace but overall, impressive.

We did an OWC with a different take on fairy tales. You would have rated highly with this one.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-1016OWC/m-1475884481/s-0/

P.S. I didn't focus on them but I think your slugs might need refining in some places - LATER DAY, for example.

Hi Dan,

I did enjoy this, nice and dark, great imagery and narration. The only thing that stuck out for me was her having a machine gun. mainly because it didn't ring true with me that machine guns were available in Little Red Riding Hood land.. as I read it I thought... where did she get that from????? There were no machine guns in little red riding hood...lol.... I don't know if her using a self made weapon from the woods might work better... show us that she's spent a lot of time perfecting her weapons and obviously surviving. And a reason why the wolves keep coming....cause she can't kill them only maim them? Please correct me if I'm wrong!!

Anyways, nice work Dan :)

Hello LC,

thank you so much for the read and the kind words - really means a lot to me! Some of the points you make are things I wasn't too sure about myself ("the teen" e.g.), and I now feel assured to lose/change them - thanks.

This is a lot of great input to draw from and I really can't argue with most of your suggestions.

- The tells are bad. Irks me that they eluded me.
- Making her younger would definitely up the stakes and fit the fairytale theme - I'll change that. I didn't know she was an eight-year-old in the original story, but having her be around eight and later 12-14 sounds fitting.
- I was picturing a gun that wouldn't fit the basket as a whole, but I agree that the assembly might harm the pace. I might change this to a smaller gun or one with a simple folding stock.
- the "duck tape" -bit is odd. I'm aware of both terms but I prefer "duct tape" as well. Not sure what happened here...
- Really enjoyed "The Grey"! That kind of ending was what I was going for ;D. I imagine it ending with her aiming the gun (eye looking through the sights, for example). But the way you've interpreted it, I picture a sea of yellow eyes coming for her, which could make for a great visual as well.
- I'll try and check out that OWC. Must have been a fun contest :).


Hello Kirsten,

many thanks for giving this a read and for your response! I get why a machine gun in a fairytale world bothers you ;D. I could maybe have it be something more steampunk-ish or a simpler type of gun. I kind of thought of this as a fairytale world that progressed in a negative direction (guns, e.g.) and worsened until a cataclysmic event ruined the fairytale "formula" where things end okay and the good guys are bound to win. Kinda like "fairtytales meet the Fallout-series"; some things are modern, some are not.

I like your interpretation of her and the werewolves being locked in a neverending fight. The werewolves here can be killed with silver, though. She just happens to run into a whole bunch of them. They're merely one type of enemy to roam that world.

Love the idea of her crafting her own weapon, or having a special weapon given to her. If I should make something more out of this, I'll definitely consider that! ;)

Dan, in the end it's your creation. I use a few 'tells', just be aware not to overdo it.

Also, a heads up: It looks like another OWC is looming. This is a one week anonymous challenge you might consider entering. Write a script in a week according to a genre/theme etc. Feedback can be brutal at times but it's a good learning experience. :)

Hello Daniel,

First off I really loved the voice overs of the narrator, they were freaking awesome. Full of metaphors.

Secondly I think with this spinoff on little red riding hood you are relating this with the modern times. Maybe I right.

Anyways really liked this one.

Hi Dan,

I like your idea of the modern mixed with the fairytale. A good concept..:)

Because you see this as modern mixed with fairytale maybe there needs to be more modern elements incorporated visually into the story. I.e her riding up to the cottage on a motorbike. If we see more modern elements in the story the machine gun might not come as such a surprise, then the story will be more contained with no big unanswered questions. I dunno, the gun really threw me.... but this is just my opinion and not at all a professional one lol. just a gut feeling one :)

Cheers K

Some pretty solid writing here - you got chops!

Quoted Text The warm voice of an elderly NARRATOR accompanies the scene:

I'd lose that - not needed - if anything tells us something about the narrator's voice.

Quoted Text duck tape.

duct

Quoted Text Panting, Little Red Riding Hood drops the basket and reaches into it. She scurries past medicine and bandages to find--

Had a bit of a hard time imagining a machine gun, disassembled -  just discarded here. Especially given the ongoing threat.  

Anyway - love your writing style - kudos

Hello Yuvraj,

thank you for taking a look at this. Very glad you enjoyed it! :)


Kirsten,

Quoted Text Because you see this as modern mixed with fairytale maybe there needs to be more modern elements incorporated visually into the story.

That's a good idea. I might add in bits of modern clothing and other small things to ease people into it  :).


Hello eldave,

thanks for your time and your comment - much appreciated!

Quoted Text Had a bit of a hard time imagining a machine gun, disassembled -  just discarded here.

You're right, very vague writing on my part. I'll have another look at this.