Indoctrination by AJ Lovell - Short, Drama - A young man is robbed at knife point which changes his outlook on life and people. He soon gets mixed up with an oranisation that fills his head with hatred. 13 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is a really powerful little story. However, I think it might work better as a feature length script. The plot points and twists seemed to come too quickly. But the dialog is great, and the writing is professional.

One tiny nit-pick: In the first mugging, Dean's phone is stolen. Then, the next morning, he receives a call -- on his phone -- from Josh. Maybe this is his land line? It was a little confusing in any case.

Quoted from JohnMcCarthy This is a really powerful little story. However, I think it might work better as a feature length script. The plot points and twists seemed to come too quickly. But the dialog is great, and the writing is professional. One tiny nit-pick: In the first mugging, Dean's phone is stolen. Then, the next morning, he receives a call -- on his phone -- from Josh. Maybe this is his land line? It was a little confusing in any case.

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah I missed that about the phone. I've changed some bits and will re-write it to explain about the phone. I will be uploading the new version as soon as the submission form is open again.

Thanks again for the headsup

I thought I’d give this a read since you showed up at Duel. Firstly, your writing style is direct and you get to the point quickly (no bad thing, except you’d achieve more by giving us some backstory to Dean’s character pre- street jack. Now the only issue I have with this narrative is that when Dean gets jacked he runs to a kebab shop and then a Chinese takeaway. For me, this is contrived and irrelevant since he’s already been attacked and the threat is no longer with him. It’s done. It’s over. If this action is going to be significant, then why doesn’t he stop passing vehicles or knock on someone’s front door when he spots a light on? The plot dramatic progress evolves all because he’s been jacked by a couple of black hoodies. His afterthought to become a racist is juvenile tbh. However I get what your message is here. Because the twist that follows is actually believable. I was jacked back in 1970 when I was just 10 years old. It was scary and yes he was black. That experience did make me cautious of older black men, but racism never entered my head. So the point I am making here is that you should develop a bigger motive for him becoming a racist: Like the raping or killing his girlfriend or mother. Just saying. Good job anyway.

Thanks for taking the time to read