Grave Mistake - OWC - Print Topic

I liked it and thought it was pretty well written. I thought it was obvious who the killer was too son but with a short there is not much time to drag it out more.

There were a few mistakes and the biggest one is:

"The Chief removes a cell phone from his pocket. A wicked smile crosses his face. He shows it to Tucker."

Who is "Tucker?"

I liked the fact it was the chief making the calls and not the dead girl.

Oh and can you have snow flurries when the sky is clear? You say there are snow flurries and then say the moon illuminates the trees. That threw me a bit.

I like the title as well.

Oh wow! A great one here.
They ll find you in spring - that was especially good.
I’m glad I read it. The only thing remains unanswered is why he killed Sisika. I need to know. Others might not care about the answer to this one but for me it’s somewhat incomplete.

Still the masterful narrative greatly drawn characters and the atmosphere you created makes up for a very nice script.

Well written - requirements met. A nice complete story. Descriptions and dialogue pretty solid.

Typo at the and - Tucker????

Great job creating a dark, intriguing atmosphere. Solid structure; you tell a complete story. Nice twist at the end.

Improvements and recommendations:

- The sound over black at the very beginning goes on for a bit too long. It sounds like a significant series of events, too much to all take place with a black slug. I recommend either presenting it as a handful of flash cuts to add some momentum, or cutting it out entirely and starting with the EXT. High Sierra's scene.

- Hunter's motivation is unclear to me. Why did he murder Sisika? Is he a sociopathic serial killer, or was it a crime of passion? Since the story ultimately focuses on him, I think it's important to solidify the reason (or reasons) behind his actions.

- While I'm happy that justice is served, the way in which Tecopa carries out his revenge feels brutal and emotionless. He "smiles wickedly" before carrying out the deed. I recommend making him more solemn in this moment, as if killing Hunter is not something he wants to do, but something he has to do. This will make him more sympathetic, and will contrast with Hunter's evil nature.

Hi writer,

OK, the overall story was fairly clever re: the reveal “spirits in the sky”, that being microwaves, things unseen, yet… appear to surround us on all sides. I guess Sisika’s ethereal could be lurking in the frozen mist within these pages as well. I love American folklore, especially those carried down from the Native ancestors, about being’s unseen that penetrate the veil between our trivial reality and the never lands, forever wondering if they’re tugging at the strings that control this god forsaken tundra… but, I’m wandering now.

You achieved some nice sleuth work here, however, there were too many clues that came off as simply applied via rote assumptions to keep the story rollin’, so to speak:

For eg. “She was killed by a local. By someone who knew to use the cover of snow. Someone who knew that it would cover her grave as well as their tracks.”

This is common knowledge among, well… everyone. Then there’s the cellphone and records belonging to a generic ‘phone co’, whereas a signature ‘carrier’ would feel a little more apt. The cell is a tremendous lead to follow where the caller is lodging; via simple triangulation techniques used by almost all law enforcement nowadays. There’s maybe a few more, but I won’t bang on.

Chief may be smart in a sense, and perhaps possess some acute knowledge of the land and its inhabitants that Hunter doesn’t, but he’s not witty and urbane to come off as a true gumshoe detective running circles around the law.

I did like the story though, like I said – I truly dig Native American folklore so the story was entertaining on my end – Just an FYI, Indian is typically reserved for people from India, at least, in my neck of the woods it is. Native Americans and Indigenous People tend to cringe when you refer to them by any other; no biggie.

“When the green hills are covered with talking wires and the wolves no longer sing, what good will the money you paid for our land be then” - Chief Seattle

Talking wires, Spirits in the Sky… it’s time we listened to these Elders of the Land… they know way more than we (should) care to know. Good script and it works well for the theme.

First read for me.  Opening (forest chase over black - twigs snapping, panicked breathing…) feels a little too familiar - maybe a personal gripe but I feel like I’ve read this intro too many times before for it to make an impact.

Felt something for Tecopa, so good job there.  I like how his illness ties into his reasoning for killing Hunter.  Ideally, it’s the kind of story that has room to build and breathe, but you wrapped it up nicely for the page count and Hunter got a fitting comeuppance.

Writing’s smooth, visual and pulled me into the setting and story.  Solid effort, just felt I’d read that kind of opening too many times before.

Good luck.

Hi writer,

Really intense opening sequence over black, not something we haven't seen before, I've used it in one of my own shorts, but when written well it certainly does the job.

Quoted Text

We see a shallow make-shift grave

More of a pet peeve, but we see really isn't need here, if you wrote A shallow grave, that's what we would see.

Great character description for the chief.

Really good character descriptions all round.

Again not a fan of the we see, the reason is that it really does take me out of a story.

Quoted Text

CHIEF TECOPA
She was killed by a local. By
someone who knew to use the cover
of snow. Someone who knew that it
would cover her grave as well as
their tracks.

Feels a bit like exposition, will see if it plays out that way.

Quoted Text

PFFFFT!

Never been a fan of these comic book sounds in a screenplay, personal preference I know.

Quoted Text

now....

...

The writing is excellent, the characterization and dialogue are particularly strong. It had a bit of a Wind River feel to it.

I think this will land up the top somewhere. Good job writer.

All the best.

Hmm, I was curious about whether snow can fall from a clear sky:

Clouds that produce snowfall can dissipate rapidly and/or move downwind after producing snow. This can cause snow to be observed at the surface while the sky is partly cloudy or clear. The stars, moon or the sun can be out while light snow is still falling.
http://www.theweatherprediction.com/habyhints/80/

Beautifully atmospheric, great characterisations and sense of place evoked - definitely brought to mind a Wind River vibe.

I was just reading the other day a certain someone (in the industry) referring to that running/ escape type opening being rather hackneyed - I still think it gets an audience on the edge of their seat.

Just a couple of quibbles: How did he know where to find her and if some mystical thing was guiding him to her grave, why bother with the posters - except to create setup?

The 'blue cloth' ? Also needs a bit more - you didn't want to forecast it, but even so...

Motivation for the murder? Hmm, maybe you need to place more specific examples of Hunter being a psychopath - he's egotistical, but there's a big stretch to killer.

Nitpicking. Lovely work.

Another cultural entry that is pleasing. I have always felt that Native American culture was at one with the elements. Very well written. Good intro and good ending. I think the first cell phone text telegraphed the rest of the story. But it would have been good to have a little more character infusion in Hunter's identity. Is he Native American?
And who is Tucker?

Great story. It reminds me of a story I came up with but never wrote, similar premise of getting justice for someone murdered.

I love the harshness of the setting. I felt for Tecopa. I also felt the ending fitting for this harsh life you've described, and as a man with nothing to lose his form of justice is apt. I don't know how culturally accurate it is but it felt like old world justice.

The time jump could be handled better. It reads like it's the same day, but it couldn't be, could it? If it is, it's really unclear. If we're supposed to believe we're following Hunter now because Tecopa has died, then let us see Hunter is now the Chief of Police, let us see the snow is starting to melt, something to show time has passed. That will make Tecopa's appearance at the end more of a surprise too, he isn't dead just too sick to carry on his duties. He has just one duty left, to Sisika.

If there is no time jump...then Tecopa already suspects Hunter at the start, so why is he still plastering the street with missing posters? He has a target and a plan. It seems there's a time jump somewhere after the coffee shop, I just have no idea how long it is.

A torn bit of uniform is a big stretch. It's really hard to tear police uniform material, I don't think it's even possible with your bear hands. Hunter must have known his uniform was torn, which means he's hoping the body will never be found since there's a clue that points straight to him with the body. That seems like a hell of a risk to take.

I'm leaning hard on these points because they're easy to fix and this is worth fixing. It's an excellent read and would make an excellent short. The slangy dialogue from Hunter in the beginning isn't necessary and makes the read stumble a bit, but otherwise it's good. The writing is excellent. The story is really good and could be excellent with minor tweaks. Great job.

I enjoyed this one, the Policeman killer in the snow angle reminded me of King's Dead Zone, no bad thing there.

Writing is very good, formatting clear and everything flows very well.

I don't think it does anything new, but it's well written so doesn't need to!

Great job

This might be my favorite, so far. Skilled, focused and eye-friendly writing, great character descriptions and a world that feels lived-in and real - I'll try to learn a thing or two from this one. Tiny nitpicks I might have had have already been stated by others. Hats off!

I wuz gonna scribble some comments after reading, but I didn't find a lot to comment on. Reads very very well, tho' of course I can't shake the feeling I've seen some of these scenes before. Off the top of my head, I wanna say could you find a more cinematic, unique setting for the opening? Something benign to contrast? But the way you've laid it out probably works best. Uh...I duuno.

Good overall… well written. I really enjoyed it.-A

I love this! My favourite so far. This is how you take a familiar tale and give it a new twist so it is intriguing and seems different. Excellently written. I did suspect the cop as soon as you described him and maybe that reveal is a bit early but it was great to see the old, dying Chief don his gear and get justice.

I would suggest cutting the dialogue down at the end. Most of it sounds like exposition. All it needs as an explanation is “The spirit in the sky told me so” and the final line, which is excellent, “Perhaps they will find you in the spring?” most of the rest of that conversation can be cut or trimmed considerably.

Excellent job writer!

-Mark

This was a nice little tale, although I guessed the outcome halfway through. As another comment mentions, I thought the torn uniform clutched in her hand a bit of a stretch. If you do another draft I'd consider something different that gives him away. Also maybe consider burying Hunter alive perhaps? Anyway, wonderfully written though. Great job!

So, the OVER BLACK intro for me, doesn't work very well.  It's too long, and it's just too much to expect your viewers will get what you're after here.  The ripping of clothes part, especially.  Screams, pleas, etc., sure, but I'd recommend cutting this way back.

Inyo national Forest - Nice!

I don't know if it's the same writer over and over, or just that peeps al of a sudden love using this "Then..." thing and skipping to the next line.  It really doesn't add anything and at times, will be an issue.  I say lose it!

The "MALE VOICE" should simply be whoever it is, as you intro him very soon after.

So, I gotta say..and all you SS peeps please take notice, as you may never read this again from me...so far (at least) your asides are working exactly the way asides "can" work.  they're not irritating, and they actually add to the read...and the overall good writing on display.

"The Chief points at the pole. We can now see all of the street’s poles have been peppered with the poster. All of the shop windows as well." - Not be a picky dickhead, but this passage should be broken up, as it's not a single shot.  You'd need to, if nothing else, widen the shot to include the next 2 lines.

Page 5 - Although there are numerous little writing nigs I could bring up and make suggestions about, this is well written, and well paced.  It's already drawn me in and although I see an awful lot of "Wind River" here, that's OK, as the way you're going about it, it's working...very well.

"INT. HUNTER’S HOME/BEDROOM - NIGHT" - Use a - instead of /.  "/" means both are in the same shot/scene.

I don't like the torn piece of blue cloth like a uniform thing.  I'd lose that.

The end.  I like it...alot.  I like the first 5 pages better than the last 4, but it's solid throughout.  Well done.

*****

Hi Writer

Seems you changed Hunter's name from Tucker and missed one lol Whenever I do a name change I use the "find" function to root old the old name - no big deal obviously, just sayin'

This is really well written, a talent for sure - Drew me into the world, made me feel like I was in it - I got to the point where I forgot I was reading a script and could Just enjoy the story.

Tecopa is interesting, Hunter not so much.

The story, I enjoyed it but I'm not gushing over it like others seem to be - It's good, don't get me wrong - some things niggle at me:
How quickly he decides to check on the body - he knows people are looking for her, seems very risky to me. Did he really believe she had risen from the dead after only two days of texts? seems more a course of action someone would do after being driven mad from messages from beyond the grave for longer than two days.
His first thought it was a hoax (which is why he gets the number checked), it's her phone, why is his next thought "shit she's risen!" and not "shit! someone has found her, and her phone!" - the second train of thought seems more logical and I would expect him to try and find this person (track the phone?) - rather than the risky business of returning to the scene of the crime. *Could have added that extra layer, he tracks the phone - tracking leads him to the site of the grave*

The piece of torn uniform - a bit convenient, would have preferred a unique way the body could have pointed to him. But is Tecopa not curious as to the motivation? Doesn't question why, simply exacts his revenge - maybe he doesn't care, seems like he would though.

Overall, a very compelling story, expertly written. Would have preferred if the opening wasn't a black screen - instead jolted images of her running, get us right there in the action.

Well done

EDIT: forgot to add, very good use of the criteria - This is the reason I am not letting other entries slide that have superficially tacked on the criteria - It's not fair to writers like you who have woven it properly into action/character/plot.

I Liked the opening over black. I assume this is where opening credits would run, but don’t think it’s necessary here.

Great character descriptions, but maybe too specific for a script.

On page 2 the Super tells us it’s two months since the girl disappeared. And Chief Tecopa is just now putting up posters? Perhaps a montage of him putting up the posters, then searching the land for the missing girl’s grave, would show us how hard he’s working to find Sisika. Then, when at the end he announces he found the girl two days ago, we know it wasn’t through a fluke of luck

The line on page 4 where Hunter takes in the backside of the Waitress is a good clue that he likes women. But this is too subtle an indicator that he may like women a little too much. Chief Tecopa could ask something like who his girlfriend is this week.

The piece of blue cloth as the clue is too easy, and I think Hunter would have noticed his uniform was torn. Of course he would have had to dispose of the uniform because it would undoubtedly have blood on it. A suggestion: Hunter’s job doesn’t pay a lot, so his uniforms are faded with wear. When Chief Tecopa sees Hunter wearing a brand-new uniform, he gets suspicious.

All in all, a good tight story.

Not my favorite, but damn well crafted. The slight nod to the girl and chief being related, the piece of clothing leading to the culprit, and beginning and ending the story in a similar fashion (used it before, super satisfying to write). I think the over black is hardly even needed as an opener, the only important information given is the cloths ripping which you could have shown in the next scene.

Chief Tecopa as a character was fun to follow, Hunter less so. He felt a bit rushed at times but that might be more due to the shortness of the script. In the end, I did not really feel for either of them which is a shame seeing as they started off pretty strong.

Other than small things like using 'we can see', its a very clean script. I think formatting wise many people do it in many different ways so I won't go too much into that.

Overall a fun read.

Nicely done. A writer after my own western heart. Not much to nitpick that hasn't already been mentioned except for one thing that I've been called out for in the past that I have to agree with: The slug that specifies Inyo National Forest. How would you know? and if it is vital or critical to the story, it should be a Super. Otherwise, just 'Ponderosa Forest' since that's all you'll see. Same with 'Bishop, CA' unless you show the city limit sign or something else that denotes Bishop. How about 'Small Mountain Town'? Sorry, had to add something.

I also second (or third) the piece of blue cloth. Make it some other identifier. Be creative. Besides, police uniforms are so damn thick.

That's it though. Great job. It's in my top three so far.

A GRUNT, as a rusted SHOVEL removes a load of dirt. _Are you going to uppercase pointlessly throughout? GRUNT is OK, you can get away with that in uppercase. But, SHOVEL? Just the sentence alone makes me cringe. It reads as though a shovel is digging a hole all by itself, let alone the fact that a shovel is neither a character nor a sound effect... so why is it being shouted?

Lack of commas. I'm not going to give a lesson on it, but it makes some of your sentences read very awkwardly.

Snowflakes gently float down... - Yeah, this is kinda how gravity works. 'down' is unnecessary.

Code

He’s tall and thick, with long silver hair pulled back into a braided ponytail. His face is bronze and pocked marked - too many days in the sun. His nose is crooked, misshaped - too many fist-fights.

This whole block is poorly written and passive. He is this, his face is this, his nose is this. Boring.

Code

HUNTER But ya need to know, it’s a tough road. We got a ton of land and bout ten-thousand tourists driving through here every day.

As if he would actually need to say that. This is information for the viewer. The Chief would already know. If this information was given to the Chief again, it would be packaged in a different way.

OMG, the old phone call from a ghost trick... and the cop is... falling for it. This is total crap. Now the cop is giving his game away completely by digging up the grave. How... convenient.

Well written but poorly constructed.

If I was scoring:

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) - 1
Characters (1-5) - 4
Dialogue (1-5) - 3
Writing (1-5) – 3.5
Overall (1-10) – 5.75

This one works for me all the way around. Fantastic writing. Definitely my favorite of the bunch that I've read.

:o

Much thanks to all who reviewed this. I appreciate the input. Wanted t provide my initial thoughts on some of the feedback.

HUNTER – not TUCKER at the end. I’ve no clue is to what was happening with my synapses.

THE OVER BLACK OPENING MURDER

Many folks didn’t like that. Thought it was a bit hackneyed. I didn’t want to write a murder scene per se for strategic purposes. First, not sure why an over-black scene is so frowned upon and some thought it was too long (1/2 page??). Anyway, I like it as is – however, after reading the comments I’m not sure it’s needed at all.  Maybe best just to open with the Chief posting posters. Will deliberate.

THE KILLER WAS PREDICTABLE

Agree. At the moment I can’t think of a clever way to avoid that – I’d liked to – believe me. But I have basically two characters. One of them has to be the killer I think – mulling this over because I do think twists are important and I ain’t got one here. Maybe some extra pages will help me with this - agree with the critique.

THE TORN POLICE UNIFORM

Yeah, that was a bad choice.  After reading the comments I kept thinking – BUTTON! Why didn’t you use an effing button!!  Funny what comes to you after the fact.

EMPATHY FOR THE CHIEF – LOSE THE WICKED SMILE

Couple of folks commented on this – it’s a great note. This would be much better if that scene was shortened dialogue wise and the killing is something the Chief had to do vs. wanted to do. Changes to be made for sure.

HUNTER’S MOTIVATION NOT CLEAR

Many people raised this issue and I agree. Going to add something here – we should know why he killed her.

THE TIME JUMP COULD BE HANDLED BETTER

Concur – good note.

HUNTER CHECKS ON THE GRAVE SITE TOO SOON

Concur – good note. Now that I’m not constrained by ten pages – I can do some things here.

“INT. HUNTER’S HOME/BEDROOM – NIGHT” – Use a – instead of /.  “/” means both are in the same shot/scene.

I had no idea this guideline existed – I’ll have to check it out. It makes sense kind of – just never read that / means that both rooms are in the shot.

Anyway – got a lot of great advice from the reviews here – thanks much. Will definitely help in the next draft.

Quoted from eldave1

“INT. HUNTER’S HOME/BEDROOM – NIGHT” – Use a – instead of /. “/” means both are in the same shot/scene.

I had no idea this guideline existed – I’ll have to check it out. It makes sense kind of – just never read that / means that both rooms are in the shot.

For instance, picture, if you can, a front Hallway with a staircase heading up. for all medium or wide shots, you would see the stairs and whoever is on them and whatever they are doing when you're in the Hallway. Because of this, you really wouldn't want to change Slugs back and forth each time (FRONT HALL, STAIRS, etc). Both locales are together here and the slash shows that in the Slug.

Quoted from Dreamscale

Yeah. I get why it makes sense and probably will adopt it. I just couldn't find it referenced anywhere.

If I was filming this, I would keep the bookend visuals of the girl and Hunter getting buried.

Quoted from Britman

If I was filming this, I would keep the bookend visuals of the girl and Hunter getting buried.

Thanks for the feedback

This was interesting. My script was set in the High Sierras (Bishop CA). An Indian film student asked for permission to shoot it based in Bombay. I thought - what the heck - go for it.

He sent me the link yesterday to his finished film. Asked for my comments. I told home kudos other than several scenes were way too dark. He responded I know - we had no electricity - our generator is broken.

Made me feel special towards him - busting his ass to shoot a film without power - I'm guessing he's a determined young man. His work is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIKKww-boUk

Quoted from eldave1

Congrats, this will be some lunchtime viewing for me.

A lot of good stuff in the film.

Shame the unlit scenes left me completely in the dark.

Quoted from LC

A lot of good stuff in the film.

Shame the unlit scenes left me completely in the dark.

I know, I would have liked to see them - I really felt for the dude - (busted generator).

Quoted from Warren

Congrats, this will be some lunchtime viewing for me.

Cool

Note - do to the lack of electricity - you'll only be able to see about half of it

Everything in the light looks great, unfortunate about the night scenes or this really would have been solid all round.

Great effort on the filmmaker's part moving ahead without power.

Quoted from Warren

Everything in the light looks great, unfortunate about the night scenes or this really would have been solid all round.

Great effort on the filmmaker's part moving ahead without power.

Thanks - made me really realize that I have first world problems. I get pissed when the DVR fucks up. This dude is trying to shoot a film without juice.

Congrats, Dude! An inspiring effort from the filmmakers. :)

Quoted from Zack

Congrats, Dude! An inspiring effort from the filmmakers. :)

Thanks, mate

Major congratulations, Dave. And kudos to the filmmaker. :)

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal

Major congratulations, Dave. And kudos to the filmmaker. :)

Thanks!

Dave, I’m giving this a bump from 3 years ago! It was actually featured today as the “Short Script of the Day”. As always, your work is excellent. The formatting/slugs concise and spot on. I’m hoping to learn from osmosis reading your work on how to frame these scenes. Now the story itself…I was hooked from the start. Very engaging story although I was suspicious of the deputy the moment he showed up. You wrote him with a little “cringe” factor seeping through. I’m also loved the theme of tribal (and warranted) justice. Some things withstand time and circumstance. The old man knew that. I had to chuckle at who the Spirit in the Sky turned out to be. But it’s so true isn’t it?? Anyway, lest you think I give glowing reviews to everything I read, I do not. I usually just choose to not comment on things that don’t appeal to me whether storyline wise or format/presentation problems. I noticed this was an OWC entry. I’m curious to know what the parameters were that created this story. Again, I enjoyed this a great deal - so glad it was featured as todays Short Story.

Filmamkers are inspirational.

This script was set on an American Indian Reservation. A young student filmaker from India asked permission to shoot this as an India version.

He completed it and asked me what I thought - told him well done other than several scenes were too dark. He replied - I know. We don't have electricity so there was no way to light the night scenes. This made me feel spoiled and humble at the same time.

Anyway - not bad for no electricity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIKKww-boUk

Oh wow Dave, I didn’t read all the previous comments that it had been produced. I watched and agree that some of the scenes are dark, but considering the hardship he did a good job. I preferred your Native American version, but for a student he did an excellent job of converting to his culture. I dream of the day I may see my characters come to life on the screen - it must be a wonderful feeling. Thanks for posting the link - so glad I came across this even if I was late for the party.

Quoted from kcranford

Thanks! Very kind of you