Song of the Sea by Erik - Short, Horror - A midnight raid goes horribly wrong as the tables are turned on the attackers.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice. Your vocabulary almost stumped me, but I enjoyed this for the most part.

I do wish that we cared more for either of them. The vikings or the witch. I wanted the vikings to be victorious because we started with them, but then I realized you wanted the audience to side with the witch. I understand she had to protect her village but I don't think that was enough for me to want her to win the battle, especially since we got to know the vikings first.

Maybe show the vikings doing something despicable in the beginning so the audience is waiting for their demise. And then give us a save the cat moment, or raise the stakes with the witch so we care that she wins. Maybe make the child sick instead? I think that we needed those fast introductions on who we're routing for and who's the enemy since we have such a limited space to grab our audience, and also higher stakes so the battle would be nail biting because we don't want the witch to lose.

But overall, I think this was a solid script. I would watch the short. It's right up my alley.

How the hell do we vote?

This is well written, very visual. Not a new writer. Just a guess, either way this person knows how to write. Everything is lean, but verbose at the same time. It's an odd mix that worked.

The use of the elements required worked, it seemed natural to have the magic be used in song.

Hard to make the dialogue work when it takes place in a specific old time such as Vikings, but it worked here for the most part. Hard to connect to the characters because the action happens right away and both are somewhat on the "attack". No real beats to get to know them or enjoy their company.

Solid effort and it stands out due to the time era depicted.

Period pieces are tough, but I can see the potential. I like your conscious effort to keep it lean and your ability to paint a picture with the minimalist approach.  Just a riff,  give yourself a bit of breathing space.  I had no real connection with your characters.

Overall, good entry.

Ghost

Quoted Text From within the violent surf, a chant rings out, a single deep bellow followed by multiple strained voices replying as one

Your script is in English - so why not tell us what they're chanting? Someone is going to eventually have to write it - right?

You have the same issue here later:

Quoted Text Naked, dark-skinned and bow-legged, she stands by the embers and turns her palms face up, closes her eyes, and whispers a short rhythmic invocation.

Again - someone is going to have to write this if you don't.

Clarity-wise - I think you'd be better with two headers in this opening - SMALL BAY as you have it and ON THE BOAT

Quoted Text The sigils move over the walls - not the action of the firelight this time.

You think people are going to know what sigils are? You really have to be clearer her. Look, it is a fabulous device you have here - the drawings on the walls turning into beasts of defense through this spell - it just took me several reads to get there - once I did I thought - okay, genius idea - but not at all clear first time through.

Quoted Text SKARDE What the...

Said no Viking ever.

I think this may have worked a bit better opening with Leith, Get us to know and care about these folks earlier on.

I think you are pretty solid writer - did a good job on tone for the most part. Just a few hiccups on dialogue and like I said I love the idea of the animals coming to life.  Yet - somehow I could not quite get invested into the fate of these characters.

Certainly a nice job for a week.

Writer,

I liked this, and you met the criteria, but I'm always missing something -- or maybe I'm not. So, why were these Vikings raiding an old woman and child for again? Perhaps Vikings just raid and plunder, I guess that's the answer. Anyway -- well written even. I enjoyed this even though at first I thought I wouldn't. Nice job.

Steve

Hi writer,

Strange and unique tale of creatures born from the ether on command, held in account until summoned from beyond. I like the concept of Sigils being the icons they encompass, this is eerily similar to a basic tenet of Christians, and their usage of a tortured, crucified man hanging in the open to rot; no, not disturbing, just a gateway, a mirror if you will to something that can never be taught, seen, held, or consummated… it can only be envisioned by the mind.

Curious if your familiar with Sylphs? They’re kind of like a smoke Sigil but they make their corporeal structures from clouds. You might want to mine the web for those strange anomalies, sightings of them I perceive are a nudge from the beyond indicating there are many things, we, as humans, have yet to discover about this world and its inhabitants.

So ,in a nutshell, I dig your story and truly believe the conduit from our waking reality to the forces that lurk in the shadows of other dimension, space, time, etc. can only be linked via things that every being in the universe can understand outside of speech patterns, and that’s symbology. Sigils are even more powerful, because they draw upon ancient and sacred geometrical patterns to represent forces that surround us, and in this case, the drawings on the hut wall.

I’m curious as to how EABHA controlled or brought forth the creatures via the Sigils they represent. Typically, Sigils will enact outside of conscious boundaries, sub-mindset instructions if you will; things out of our control once the Sigil is set in motion. There seemed to be no true incantation to invoke any creature outside of the awaking consciousness of EABHA though; just some hoodoo-voodoo mumbled in the flickering firelight…

But then again, I myself have never stood by a fire, in the wee hours of the morning, in the raw, mumbling hoodoo-voodoo at Sigils on the wall of a chickee-hut neither, so… I’m actually not in a position to state what exactly would or would not happen; and now that I think about it; that might actually be creepy as fuck to do… so I won’t stand by a fire, in the wee hours of the morning, in the raw, mumbling hoodoo-voodoo at Sigils on the wall of a chickee-hut.

Alas, I truly liked the tale, it’s a good story that fits the theme well.

In the end EABHA stated “They’ll be back.”. I think she meant to state; “More will come?”

Story was intriguing but the writing was too much. I understand what it's like to want to be as descriptive as possible, but have learned how to make stronger statements with less. Sorry, this shouldn't be about me. It's a good fantasy/sci-fi piece, almost as if part of something larger. A scene in a feature, perhaps. Good writing skills overall and you know the screenplay format it seems.

Nothing here, for me. Some well-staged carnage with no dramatic stakes. From the moment the smoke beasts appear, our protags win. There might even have been some thrill of the hunt after that, but the sequences are not designed with tension in mind for the most part -- there seems to be little chance that our hapless Vikings will escape.

A lot of well-written sound and fury, but I don't see much story. There's one surprise/turn, then nothing.

Chris

Some Vikings attempt a raid but are turned back by powerful witches that can create elemental beasts out of thin air.

That’s the whole story.  Visually it would be superb if you had a multi-million dollar budget and prose wise it is superb, the entire first page is exquisite prose, but for a screenplay, it doesn’t work. Not only are the descriptions too much but there are no stakes and we don’t connect or care about any of the characters. The witches are too powerful and the Vikings too easily defeated. You clearly have creative writing talent but I would urge you to focus more on characters and creating tension through obstacles the protagonist overcomes.

I hope my notes are helpful.

-Mark

I'm back to deliver more useless feedback :-) you're next, writer.

Do Banshees rage? I thought they shrieked

What are the voices saying? - could be interesting - could set us up for something - could set the tone for what's to come.
Oh, it's a rowing chant - should have just told me.

"the forest" - what forest? - If something has already been established, you use "the" if not, then use "a" - but I'm sure you know that

"extricates herself from the blanket" - someone swallow a thesaurus? lol. it's odd, was the blanket tucked in so tight she extricated herself from it? or did she just, you know "slip out"

Quoted Text LEITH I'll nay see it.

Doesn't nay mean no? you've used it to replace "not" - plus, nay is middle-English not old English (I.E after the Vikings). Feels like I'm picking on this one little bit, right? I'll get to the point... When writing a period as long ago as the Vikings, you could try and use the language of the time, but it's unlikely many people would have a clue what they were saying (you could subtitle, of course)
Another option is to just use modern language the viewer will understand - which is mostly what you have done, but when "old" words are thrown in (from any previous time-period), that are seldom used in conversational speak anymore, in an attempt to make the dialogue feel more "period" - it feels off... Just my opinion, of course, I'm most likely talking utter bullshit.
(More examples - "thee" "fell" "heed")

Alright, I finished.

I enjoyed it for what it was - Would be an interesting scene in a movie - But that's what this is, a scene, not a story. Too many elements are missing for this to be a story.
Who am I rooting for in this? I guess it's those being attacked and not the marauding Vikings. The trouble with that is, they had the upper hand the whole time - There victory never looked in doubt - It was a fun battle but it had no twists, turns, highs, lows - no exchange of power, no thrills. The witch lady looked to win the entire time.

Save for the odd word choice, the writing was solid - I saw everything I think I was supposed too.

Well done for entering

Hello,

the script is slightly too left-aligned. No real issue – it just caught my eye from the go and maybe you don't want that and prefer it to be at 100% standard.

What to say.

The script reads quite expensive, but hey, we live in the age of computer generated imagery.

I had some problems to imagine how those smoke-animals actually materialize for their 'kills'. Then, maybe this is also a topic for the filmmakers only…

The setting was great. The 'dark creepy forest' impressions I found a bit overwritten. You made the point and established everything well, so there is no need to remind us over and over that it's damn creepy and dark there. It slows down the plot and my story experience when we stay too often with things I already know while I actually want to move on with you and your story...

While I generally enjoyed it, a great deal because of the world-building and setting, to me it still misses something in its dramaturgy.

Yeah, that's my opinion. Maybe, there's no clear act 2 yet, only: Vikings come – Vikings become smoke-animal fodder.

Perhaps Skarde could show some understandable motives and you show us the Viking thinking some more. Maybe he wins some of our sympathy as a damn warrior he is but eventually, we sure root for the village people… you know, a bit of a dramatic backbone that helps make the fine gore shine.

Anyway, I enjoyed the world you created. Good work.

There's a number of words in here that I wasn't familiar with - but it's a second language for me anyway, so I don't wanna criticize you here.

The writing is good and it was an easy, fun read, although a few of the lines were unnecessarily long, I think:

"He slumps to his knees, disappointed that he's not allowed to watch."
- This could end after "disappointed": we know the reason why he is.

"The scene is carnage."
- Not needed IMO, as you immediately go on to describe said carnage.

"The Vikings are brave men, not easily scared, but they'venever seen the like of the smoke beasts. They turn tail and run for the forest."
- Also a bit too much IMO

But these aren't major gripes - I enjoyed your style, overall.

I liked that we actually sided with the witch. But, since the Vikings didn't stand a chance, there wasn't a lot of tension and not a lot of sympathy for the witch's triumph on my part.

I could picture it well and I enjoyed it  :)

Very cool visuals here. Love the summoning of the smoke animals. I like the characters also. I think this story is worth expanding to show wht the Vikings descended on this village, and show more of Leith and Eahba. More of Leith's apprenticeship.

Very enjoyable read. Nice work.

Nothing wrong with a good Viking flick but as others have also said I didn't quite invest in this as much as I would've liked and felt myself zoning out a tad toward the end. It's well written if not al little TOO well written in parts. Don't know what's up with those (cont'd) as the formatting is off, maybe it's my browser. Decent. Well written. Good job!

Fast read.  Straight into the action but it never really lets up enough to give us time to orientate ourselves to your characters’ world.

An idea like this works better when you’ve spent some time with the good guys and seen them get kicked around a bit beforehand—build up a sense of injustice that needs avenging.

I like the idea of the bad guys getting more than they bargained for but there was never any doubt that Eabha would triumph and the raiders would meet a violent end.  In that sense it’s rather one note, hitting the same beat throughout which gets a little repetitive.

Entertaining enough to follow along and I appreciate the period setting after a lot of sci-fi but for me it would feel better served as the end of a longer piece than the whole of a short.

Good luck.

Code EABHA (cont'd) They'll be back.

As zombies? I don't understand how they can come back from that.

Another Beowulf-inspired story, it seems. It was easy to read. The action flowed nicely.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  3
Characters (1-5) – 4
Dialogue (1-5) – 3
Writing (1-5) – 4
Overall (1-10) – 7

Hey all, thanks for your generous notes, some really useful points made.

I will be taking some of these on board when I eventually get round to the feature version, of which I envisage this as the opening.

A quick couple of answers/responses if I may.

Vocabulary... yep, I do like a good word and may use some that are less familiar, purely personal belief is that occasional use adds to the style of the writing. And I've yet to actually have a producer or director query anything of this type... there's always a balance and maybe 'sigil' tipped it ;-)

Vikings not really standing a chance, very good point that will be remedied in any future version.

Yep. 'they'll be back' should definitely have been 'more will come'

Gum, no, not familiar with Sylphs but I'll look them up, tx.

Again thanks all for the helpful comments and to Rene for running it and Don for being Don.