The Way Out by SS - Short, Drama, Horror - A beleaguered worker in a hellish office decides to make his own way out when it becomes apparent the managing director is ready for murder.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I struggled to wrap my head around this one. So to my understandings,  a guy decided to commit suicide because his boss was the worst, he felt trapped by his dead end job, he thought he was going to die there, he was annoyed by his customers, and he took a lot of pills but they were no help. I didn't get the bathroom metaphor.
Then a woman found him hanging himself or about to hang himself and she stopped him.

I mean I think I get it. But even then, I'm not sure if this works. We were left in mystery for too long. You should have added something where we think we understand what's going on, but then you pull the rug up from under us.

I would work on your actions. It didn't pull me into the story. I had to reread them a lot to fully understand what was going on.

You had a typo in the beginning.

Give your character a goal during all the chaos. If you did that, even though we would see the skeleton and the monster boss and all of these confusing bits, we could relate to him trying to accomplish something. That would pull this story together in a more comprehensive fashion in my opinion.

Good luck, friend

"...three decades of commuting and working in artificial light..." does not inform me of Jacob's general age. Did he start his job from birth?  

So, all this is nothing more than a surreal near death experience Or was Jacob in six minutes of his own hell? I liked some of the imagery, but I'm left wondering if there were any clues to his suicide. I suppose his necktie being caught in the printer (?) was symbolic (?)  I guess (?)

Not sure why the Woman broke a forth wall. It wasn't necessary. Actually,I'm surprised she wasn't asking anyone for help. Someone hangs themselves in a public park, folks are going to notice.

The writing itself isn't too shabby. although " It seems like something is lurking there, a
shadow within the shadows. " feels like it isn't needed.

-DjS

Hi writer,

Okay, ya… an abstract approach about the slow decay of the average intellect and being consumed by the very gauntlet or grindstone they’ve kept in motion all these days… obviously a metaphor… obviously. Conundrums galore; master your servitude before servitude becomes your master, et al. I'm probably wrong, all good.

This rings a bell of the DADA movement for me, which has always been the most influential movement that I try to incorporate into my own writing, however, it can lead to things so abstract, and abstruse, that the only reference of anything the writing could possibly resemble is… itself. How can you sell that ideology to anyone? You can’t, and that’s why I try to work in that medium alone… there is no reference point to one’s own work when they work in the medium of DADA accept the work in itself.

Wiki: Dada movement consisted of artists who rejected the logic, reason, and aestheticism of modern capitalist society, instead expressing nonsense, irrationality, and anti-bourgeois protest in their works.

The more we reject logic and reason, the more entertaining the work becomes, because there is no reference point or explanation except that which ‘you’ as the reader take away, and it will always differ from others, becoming a personal story that no one else will ever read because your mind has interpreted it from a completely different standpoint.

So, that being said… I love what you did here, even though I may interpret it from a completely different parallel than what you intended. The DADA movement is in your blood, or the ink in your pen… welcome to this machine, some would say.

Okay so a surreal office nightmare, why not!

The imagery is good and the sense of brooding menace is built well, the hidden boss is effective as a constant threat in the corner too.

Wasn't so keen on the tie in the photocopier, felt too normal for the scenario... what if the photocopier wouldn't copy what he puts in it, just keeps printing something else?

Anyway I liked it up to the point that he escapes and encounters the singing woman, less keen on that section.

But overall I enjoyed the difference in this one, good effort.

A Brit writer perhaps?  Something about the use of ‘good and proper’ - can’t see that as a U.S. term.  I could well be wrong.

Interesting take on the challenge.  I’m seeing the office scenes as taking place inside Jacob’s mind while in the real world he was attempting to end his life.  Hence the singing Woman’s voice was drawing him back—out of the darkness (is it just me or does she sound a bit like Michael Jackson..?)

I thought you nicely visualised Jacob’s demons and gave me a sense of the pressures that drove him to this place.  Respect the decision not to reveal the manager and keep them as a malevolent presence - that’s a nice touch.

Not quite my cup of tea storywise but the writing is strong, descriptive and held my attention throughout with the question of why.

I could almost see a trimmed down version serving as a suicide prevention advert… Probably just me.

Good luck.

Very David Lynch'ian. If I understand correctly, the story is a metaphor for hopelessness and/or depression, and the office is a sort of limbo between life and death. Eerie and ultimately heart breaking. The woman consoling Jacob as paramedics arrive... very hard hitting. I know this type of story isn't for everyone, but I dig it, especially when there is clear meaning behind it.

A bit lost.

The writing in and of itself was fine.  But this must be over my head. Starting with the skeleton.

At first I thought, okay - it is a delusional exhausted employee who's vision of his work place is this dingy hell hole complete with a printer from hell - but - you never show us the normal office - so is this a delusion or does this place exist? That's why it had a hard time lading for me.

As I go:

- Not sure how big a moment this is, but having the protag "unleash" at the top of the second page might hurt the rising action a bit. Feels early for something so big to happen in a story so (so far) quiet. And an outburst isn't really earned at this point -- it's a normal day for Jacob, after all.
- An ethereal woman as salvation -- little bit tired.

Thoughts:

- Neo-Kafka in the office. Not a super original approach, but the right set of images here. However:
- Not much interplay between the different elements of the office. In other words, not much "worldbuilding" for this allegory. The abstraction of the office is one-note horror and doesn't build much.
- Protag is saved and is otherwise passive. Not sure what choice he made to hear the song, to find the way. That's the heart of this story that I think is missing.
- Writing slick, occasionally too slick in the action description -- too slick in the sense that it went over the line into hard to read.

Chris

Hi,

well, a nice parody on today's office life.

I especially liked the idea of IT equipment and office supplies terrorizing him.

Not much to say here. The concept does work. It's good.

Hmm...well, this is depressing. There's some good writing here, and you do have an interesting story.  The mystery bit with the manager probably served you well. It was a pleasant enough to read, but not my thing.  Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. ??)-A

Hi Writer

This is weird, I like weird.

Quoted Text WOMAN (O.S.) (singing) You are not alone.

"I am here with you, though we're far apart, you're always in my heart"
is where my brain went, didn't really fit with the tone of the script.

Yeah, not bad - we are basically in his head, in his "sickness" (depression, suicidal), a dark, hopeless place, then snapped to reality with his failed suicide attempt.
I enjoyed it to be honest - the surrealness will play much better on screen than it does on paper
I could feel more for Jacob - play more on the monotony and the "trapped" feeling - build up slowly to his outburst - takes it, and takes it and takes it until SNAP, the straw that broke the camels back.
The faceless, but ever-present threat of a raging and relentless boss was really well done. Would have liked to see the snow element played on a bit more

Overall, yup, I like it.

"The storm intensifies" what storm?

There are a few spelling mistakes and I didn't get it. Maybe too clever for me

I'd be really interested in seeing this as a short film... There is a lot of good imagery and an intriguing atmosphere throughout. I like the writing for the most part. I think you lost me a bit with the fourth-wall break, but maybe there's just something I'm missing...

Many interesting choices here. The office stuff worked for me, though the tie in the copier bit reads a bit humorous against the darkness of everything else.

I didn't understand the place of the storm. Look forward to your explanation for its existence in your story.

Was it to represent the threat of the outside world?

Speaking of the outside world, it might be interesting to include some clues as to any struggles he's facing in his personal life. As it sits, he attempts suicide purely for work-related reasons. As I read it anyway. Would be interesting as a second layer to include outside pressures as they relate to his work world. (More than the storm.) How could you show, for example, that his wife is pressuring because he's always at work? His children? Money problems (why he feels he HAS to work?), etc.

All in all, good stuff.

Page 2: para 7: “intensives” s/b “intensifies”.

Loved this story. Though I was worried about the guy’s sanity when his tie got caught in a printer. But when you’re dying it’s understandable if your brain starts misfiring.

Woke up with the thought: the storm is his oxygen.

And, the copier bit was because of the hanging... he's in the noose. Yes, should have been obvious to me on the first reading... but, I didn't put 2 and 2 together.

The good news is that I was still thinking about this a couple of days later.

A slog, a real slog. No dialogue definitely hurts this script. It caused me almost physical pain to get through it. It was torture. I'm not even really sure what happened, I think my mind has deleted it already.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  2
Characters (1-5) – 3
Dialogue (1-5) – 0
Writing (1-5) – 2
Overall (1-10) – 3.5

A few weeks ago a man committed suicide in the park where I walk my dog.  He brought his own stepladders and a rope then hung himself from a tree.  Last year my step-brother hung himself in his home. Suicide seems to be around me at that moment and although I've not thought seriously about doing it, the desire to just give up, and give in to the darkness is something I do identify with. 

I wrote this for myself and found it quite a cathartic experience. I honestly didn't expect anyone to get it, so I'm pleasantly surprised that some of you did. Yes, the majority of the tale is a symbolic representation of the depressive crazed state of mind of someone committing suicide. Everything in the office represents being worn down by life, succumbing to the darkness and seeking a way out at any price.  

The singing and the woman represent hope and the knowledge that this too shall pass. And if you just hold on for a bit longer,  things will be a little better.

Thanks for all the comments and especially to those who understood. 

I once saw a guy commit suicide right in front of me. I was also talking to the guy the day before he did it. He was in on gun charges, looking at a 5-stretch, and we were in a holding room. He showed us a photograph of his missus who was very fat and not particularly attractive. He was depressed, missing her like crazy, he seemed fucked to me, not the type of guy that should be in on the charges he was, but I don't know the full details of his crime, I'd only be speculating that he was taking care of the weapon for somebody else. After he left the room, the rest of us took the piss out of him. The next day, just after being let out of my cell to go to the gym, I saw the same guy climb to the top of a gate. He tucked his hands into the back of his jeans and dived headfirst to the floor. I didn't watch the impact because I saw it coming. I remember the sound though as he hit the floor, the gasps of shock, the squeak of shoes on a polished floor, the sound of the alarm. I didn't get to go to the gym that morning.

Another time, in another jail, there was a 70+-year-old guy who used to say 'aye' to almost everything. So we knew him as 'Aye'. We kinda looked after him and he hung with us on the yard every day having a laugh. He was in for hitting his next-door neighbour over the head with a hammer over some silly argument. Anyway, the day before he got out, he discovered that he wouldn't be able to go home, that he would lose his council house that he'd lived in for forty-odd years or whatever and that he was moving to a hostel. That night, he hung himself in his cell. Crazy that he handled jail easy enough, but he couldn't handle losing his home.

I've never understood that kind of mentality. Life is such a precious thing, we need to eke every ounce. When it's gone, chances are it's just gone.