The Void Of Space by Anonymous 6 - Short, Sci Fi - In Deep Space, there's no one to call for HELP!    - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I like a good space horror. This seemed like a Dead Space / Prometheus / Life hybrid and for the most part it worked. The horror elements were horrific enough to work and you hit the right beats, even with a classic "oh no" ending.

I felt some of the characters were a little generic. I couldn't really tell them apart from one another. This goes hand in hand with the dialogue. Very generic stuff.

Maybe use another word other than snake? I know it was one of the 'requirements' but you also use song and syringe. Snakes in Space seem odd, I get that they simply look like snakes but overtime I read snake I picture a snake. I don't know how to reword or work around it and it most likely is just my issue and not one with the script.

Good job.

I feel as though we've seen this story told several times already. I didn't get a fresh take of the alien taking over a space station story. The characters seemed too cookie cutter. The smart guy, the funny guy, and the woman. They died in the order I knew they would die and the ending was exactly how I knew it would end.

Even the antagonist. An alien organism that invades a host's body and gives them super human strength and oily black eyes. It's all too familiar.

Give us a twist on the subject. Just something different that we haven't seen before.  I understand you wrote on a subject that you enjoyed watching in the past, but as an audience we don't want to see the same EXACT thing over and over again. Throw a spin on it.

The Space force was a nice touch.

Keep writing.

What is with the BOLD Character names in the dialogue blocks???

Throughout - the action blocks would pop more in an active voice. example:

Quoted Text LT. SABRINA PEREZ (24) is eating at the table as she's writing her report minding her own business. The door slides

better as:

LT. SABRINA PEREZ (24) eats at the table as she
writes her report minding her own business.

Quoted Text SMITH (singing) Heading back to earth, and the whores better watch out!

No - please

Quoted Text SMITH Got TEN objects heading for us! They each look to be thirty inches in circumference. The size of Basketballs! Five minutes from impact.

Poor dialogue here. Just stop with size

Hard to believe that they would need Mission Control approval to move to avoid objects about to crash into their ship.

The syringe is barely there......

Story wise - just okay for me.  The creature on the ship been done quite a bit.

The only hope is a FLASHING LIGHT... how are we supposed to get hope from a flashing light?

Bold Character names in dialogue, well that's new... not sure it's necessary as they are already indented.

Lots of passive voice, need to change this to active - it will read better.

'Whores better watch out', 60 years in the future and some things haven't changed.

60 years in the future and he's hotwiring the spaceship? Seems unlikely, the tech in general, as described seems old fashioned - maybe for a reason, we'll see.

The contamination and subsequent attack have all been seen a million times, though I did enjoy the axe scene.

Okay, so there are technical issues with the script, the tech on the ship as described is like a 1950s version of space travel and the story itself has been seen many times.

But I did kinda like it ;-)

Ok, ioo much good advice already, nothing for me to add.  Your writing is good, a fast read, but the lack of originality was troubling.   It just didn't feel fresh.  I wanted fresh. Entertaining for sure.-A

It's a love letter to survival space horror. A fun ride, but nothing we haven't seen or read many times before. Needs an original twist to stand out. Otherwise solid writing.

Space Sci-fi, I'm in!

Hmm, the time between "5 minutes to impact" and "40 seconds to impact" doesn't seem to equate to 4 minutes 20 - am I being pedantic? - anyway, 5 minutes to impact did not fill me with dread, so I did not share in the urgency of Tucker to hear back from mission control when I thought "they have plenty of time, chill"
Potential tension missed

Randomly CAPPING words can bring our ATTENTION to certain things (for right or wrong) but like most THINGS, when they are used to OFTEN they lose their IMPACT - The law of diminishing returns.

Why is it, whenever writers want to express their characters shock, disbelief or incredulity, they have the character say "what the fuck?"
"What the hell!"
"What the dickens"
"What in tarnation"
"what in the world"
or, they could just say nothing at all - I hate that piece of dialogue, what the fuck is that all about?

sorry, didn't mean to pick on you there lol

Alright, this wasn't bad - another well-trodden path. Slightly clumsy execution if I'm honest but not a bad entry by any means.

Well done

Good writing, this want by at a quick pace. Think you might be going overboard with all the CAPS. Also not sure why you're underlining the slugs and holding character names. Odd.

Dialog is hit and miss. Nothing flat out awful, though.

So happy someone actually did a snakes in space script. Thank you, writer.

I liked this one.



:)

I've always had a soft corner for space-based stories. Though this has nothing new to say, I liked it a lot! This one is like those summer blockbuster flicks where you just enjoy whatever is happening on the screen. Great job, writer! I really enjoyed it.

OK, so...uh...well, I can tell a number of things from just looking at Page 1...before reading anything, and after I read Page 1, I knew I was dead on.

I'm not going to go into the details, as I'm pretty sure most peeps will mention what I'm talking about, which is alot of mistakes and things you don't want to do,  and they're all so blatant.

I'm just gonna stay in as long as I can and see if we can discuss the story and characters.

The end.  made it all the way through, and Thank God I decided not to take notes, as this may have been 1 of the longest feedback posts in awhile.

Oh man, where to begin...

So, I waited over 48 hours to finish my post, and I've now read the feedback from others, and although a few things have been said about a few things, not nearly what I was expecting and assuming, which is very surprising.

Sadly, this had me rolling with laughter, most of the way through, so if your intent was to write a pisser in the vein of 1950's and 1960's space movies, you did very well.  But, if this is a serious attempt at space horror, it's a miss of epic proportions.

Nothing rings remotely realistic.  Every single plot point is a cliche as well been there, seen that fare, and all the crazy writing "techniques" you tried to pull off are overused, incorrectly used, and downright irritating on the eye and to the read.

But here's the really odd thing - seems like most peeps like the writing and the script itself.  Have they not seen this 10 minute piece of film in hundreds of features over the last 40 years?  Do they not realize the writing here is so over the top?  Maybe not.

I was going to do a little test with my girlfriend, but the weekend ended on some sour notes, so I said fuck it, but what I was going to do was have her read this and give me her comments.  By doing so, she would assume that it was mine and I actually did write a script, even though I told her I didn't.  My assumption was that she would say it was really well written, but she didn't like it because she doesn't like horror (and hasn't seen many horror movies).  So, I guess what I'm saying is that for those who don't know, this may come across very well.  But for those in the know, it's either a great pisser or it's 3 big swings and 3 big whiffs.

Not for me.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, as I really didn't address anything. PM me and I'll go over it very completely for you.

**

A very familiar and predictable tale told in a slightly awkward way. The astronaut didn’t sound like professional astronauts, they even had to explain that 30 inches circumference is about the size of basketballs and then asking for permission to move the station out of the way of certain death? I’d be like, I’m moving – I’ll ask permission later!

It wasn’t bad, just nothing original.  Have a think about how you can take such a familiar concept and breath new life or add a new twist to it.

-Mark

Very fast-paced, although I wish the dialogue wasn't mostly technical stuff and that the characters had something more to say. Problems I've had with the slugs and so on have already been mentioned by others. I enjoyed the descriptions of the alien scenes - they evoked some good imagery.

I've nothing really to add. Agree with pretty much everything that's been said. ElDave makes a great point about active voice. The first page really got off to a slow start as a result of a few easily fixed action lines. "large center module that is rotating" = large, rotating, center module. A small thing... but small things add up.

Big complaint for me was the lack of anything new. Where's your personal twist on a very fun sub-genre?

Page 2: Tucker contacts Mission Control to get permission to relocate. In reality, there would be a time delay for the radio signal to travel the 60 million miles to Earth. The delay would be over 5 minutes each way, so MER would be holey before he got permission.

Page 3: Tucker hot-wires the thrusters?!? You can’t hot-wire new cars on Earth, but you can do it on a spaceship?

Page 4: “The Ninth [meteor] just SPARKS OFF the main hall.” Did you mean “hull”?

Page 5: Smith’s last line: “How know how much...”
Tucker then orders Smith to throw out the rock. Wouldn’t his natural inclination be to bring it back to Earth for future study?

Page 6: what’s a “POUR wiggle”?

Page 7: “The two BLASTS themselves...”: s/b BLAST
Further down: “Tuckers face starts turning BLUE...”: s/b Tucker’s
Further down: “The AXE is LODGED in Smiths NECK,: s/b Smith’s
Last line: “...out of Devon’s neck”: change to Smith’s

This reimagining of “Alien” is well done and packs a lot of action. But the final scene in the cryopod is too similar to Ripley’s final scene. What if, before she passes out, the snake parks itself on the clear covering over her face. She falls asleep horrified at what’s going to be waiting for her in four months when she wakes up.

Feels like a last minute title and logline.

‘…minding her own business’.  Do you need it?

Can’t say it’s a catchy song…

‘Alarms BLARE. Warning lights FLASH.’ - might be another way to write this.

Basketball comparison seems oddly specific.

Why do they need to ask permission to move to safety?  Feels forced.

Hot wiring a space station?

P.4 - EXT. SPACE  - where are Tucker and Smith in this scene?

So Smith brings the space rock inside the airlock with a mind on the resale value?  Without supporting logic the story suffers.

Okay, so you do have a novel way of introducing a ‘snake’ into the mix which then allows you the syringe and sickness.

Why an axe?  …Because.

So there’s a story there of sorts, but every beat felt far too familiar for me. Not to harp on, no doubt it’s been mentioned.

Does the logline connect all that well to the plot?

One thing, if you’re writing this kind of idea you need to tighten the logic—make us believe you know your world.  As soon as you shoehorn the plot into place you begin to lose the trust of the reader.  It’s also harder to build and maintain a sense of tension which is what a contained idea like this really thrives on.  That and originality—it’s a crowded field.

Best of luck.

Steve

Hi writer,

Got kind of a John Carpenter thing going on, as in ‘The Thing’; which by the way was/is a bitching movie every time I see it, so way to weave that in there. Don’t want to go here, but unfortunately, I have to go here:

Speed of electromagnetic radiation is the same as light 186,000 miles per/sec.

SUPER: UNITED STATES SPACE FORCE: MER (Mars/Earth Communication Relay Space Station). 60 Million miles from Earth.

60,000,000/186,000 = 322 seconds/60 = 5.37 minutes

COMMANDER TUCKER (in mic): Mission Control this is MER! Mission Control this is MER!

MISSION CONTROL (RADIO): Go ahead MER, this is Mission Control.

COMMANDER TUCKER: (in mic): We have ten objects approaching danger-close. ETA four-minutes. Seeking approval to relocate three clicks to a safe distance.

With a 5 1/2-minute delay for Mission Control to receive MER’s broadcast, and a 5 1/2- minute delay before MER hears back from Mission Control (11 minutes minimum, not including Mission Control sitting around with their thumbs up their ass wondering if they should give them permission to move MER or not)… there already dead.

But, if Commander Tucker takes into consideration the transmission delay, then he would just simply move -- conservatively 2 or 3 or 4 hundred billion dollars worth of hardware out of the way of the projectiles without Mission Control’s knowledge -- saving the crew, but… starting a mutiny in space because of his insubordination towards Mission Control. Yes, a mutiny is always good in space, because there’s literally nowhere to go but insane.

Just a thought. Like I said, I like the theme because it has a John Carpenter vibe, and sometimes that’s all you need to keep reading. Chilling and creepy.

My first thought was #metoo in space. Aside from that, as others have said nothing original here. Decent writing on display but the dialogue was very hit or miss. I felt myself skimming near the end because I've just seen this before. Clean writing though. Decent entry.

Wow, an overwritten title. Not looking forward to the content. Any other time, I'd completely ignore this script.

Overwritten and passive opening.

Here too, is also passive:

Code Commander Kyle Tucker (53) is lying in his bunk with a microphone in hand.

Using your own words and structure: Commander Kyle Tucker (53) lies in his bunk with a microphone in hand.

Code scotched taped

What? Do you mean scotch-taped?

Code LT. SABRINA PEREZ (24) is eating at the table as she's writing her report minding her own business.

Again this is passive. But also, she is eating while writing a report... yet you feel it necessary to add that she is also minding her own business (also failing to add a necessary comma)? I find it quite noteworthy that she is eating while working... if she was also not minding her own business, I'd just find that too much of a stretch. In short, she minding her own business goes without saying unless she actually isn't minding her own business.

Missing commas... like here:

Code Smith has his feet up on the console singing away.

Smith has his feet up on the console, singing away.

It makes a lot of difference to the read. Every mistake you make slows the read. Let alone all the overwriting and passive voice.

I've just looked... 10 pages... this is going to feel more like 20. Thanks.

The story drags and, for a short, takes too long to get going. By the time I got there, I was so bogged down with all the passive writing, I just didn't care anymore.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  2
Characters (1-5) – 2
Dialogue (1-5) – 3
Writing (1-5) – 2
Overall (1-10) – 4.5