Grave by A 'C' and two '()'s are just as good - Short, Drama - Two gravediggers face the modern culture of dying and confront it. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, writer.

This is actually pretty similar to something I wrote in the past.

Unfortunately, this doesn't quite work for me. The dialog is awkward and hard to follow, not to mention Mark and John both sound indentical.

The actual writing was okay. Nothing great,but no real hang-ups, either. I think I saw what you wanted me to see.

Clean up the dialog, make the characters a little more personal, and I think you'll have a solid little script here.

Good effort.



:-/

There was a lot of good dialogue in this, but not much of a story. Just two guys talking about death. I'm not sure how they were related to each other. Maybe John was the guy Mark was burying, but even if that were the case, I'm not sure if that would matter.

A goal or obstacles would have been nice. Or something that made us care about either characters. There was non of that. Just two people existing having a conversation.

Give them something to do that advances the story forward while they're talking. Digging a grave wasn't enough.

A conversational piece musing on death... okay, but it needs something a little more to stand out from the crowd.

I can't decide if the snow is irrelevant to the plot, it seems irrelevant to their conversation.

Script is well written, reads tight, but ultimately I didn't get anything from it.

Okay - stellar premise. Kudos for that. But the dialogue was a problem for me:

a) everyone sounded the same.
b) the kids spoke like they were adults
c) it seemed like speeches rather than conversation in many parts.

Sorry - just didn't do it for me.

Quoted Text John looks at him sceptically.

skeptically.

Ok, since the post isn't overwhelmed with replies, I'll offer my strictly amateur comments.

I wouldn't disagree with anything that's been said/suggested above, but I would like to add... you telegraphed your ending.  I'm guessing, you wanted it to be a twist? Anyhow- not too shabby though.-A

"...tenderly float to the ground." -  ;D ;D  tenderly?  Never heard that one, nor do I want to ever again.

"Gravedigger John" and "Gravedigger Mark" - sounds so corny.

We have no ages or any clue how old these 2 buffoons are.  And when I use the word buffoon, I'm basing it on how they speak and what they're saying.

Please - PLEASE...turn off CONTINUED on top and bottom of pages.  Amateur hour on display.

"loose" - lose - why do so many peeps spell this simple word incorrectly over and over again?

So, 1 of the diggers was actually already dead?  They were once friends?  I don't get it, but I don't see where you gave any indication, other that when he says, "They didn't even see me".

Dialogue is very, very poor.  Nothing reads remotely realistic, and overall this is very dull and uneventful, sorry to say.  Not for me.

**

What's wrong with tenderly?

Death ed class? "Dear Death" letters? WTF - is that a thing?

This was awkward and too dull for my taste, I don't really get what it's about.

Well done for entering though

As I go:

- Gravediggers talking about death; it's inherently on the nose. Have the characters recognize that, acknowledge it somehow.
- Unclear, at this point, what 2020 has to do with anything they're talking about. How has death changed in modern times? If there is a clear way, the script hasn't really set us up for that...

Thoughts:

- Engaging with some fun tricks up its sleeve, but ultimately ends up feeling nothing more than descriptive. I suppose the script takes a side, but it doesn't seem to go beyond describing the two opposing viewpoints that it considers. Best case scenario would be a more visual, physical representation of some of these clashes -- second best, still, would be a story where these views are put to a palpable test of some sort. Not that this script needs to conclude anything, but that it should push its characters to see thing as they previously haven't. Everyone here is static -- expressing fixed viewpoints -- and Mark is explicitly set up as a wiser character who's already changed his mind.
- "Someone else raised them" feels like a copout -- the script should speak its mind or leave it out!

Chris

Hello,

A philosophical talk about death among gravediggers could be interesting but I somehow found, while they surely have different perspectives, they however talk alike. I also experienced the script as too non-visual, having too long dialogues with imprecise context. Concept is good. Anyway, I think to know those gravedigger people have pretty specific personalities, which is understandable regarding their position in society, and, I expected much more sarcasm and quirkiness from them. Still good concept as a starting point.

A lot of ideas on display here, with very little story. The lengthy, complex discussions caused me to zone out at certain points. Unsure about what the ultimate takeaway is. There's something in there (a dark, dreary world where "Death Education" exists), you just need to flesh out the story so that it's easier to follow.

Hi writer,

“We wrote letters to "Dear Death" and had class tours to cemeteries.”

So, you grew up in Mordor…? Cool. Way less creepier than Fraggle Rock.

This actually reminded me of the movie ‘Mr. Brooks’ with Kevin Costner and William Hurt. If you haven’t seen it, you should… pretty good.

You got a bit of a ‘Dia de los Muertos’ thing going on as well. I could actually visualize how that scene would play out, especially with slow falling snowflakes… magic, or enchanting; even though were surrounded by death. I used to pass by a bone yard in the early morning hours on my way to work in the summer; we’re talking 5:00 am. If I was passing by at just the right moment, there was a brief moment of twilight that would illuminate a thick crawling fog, slowly wafting like an ethereal blanket in and around the headstones; it literally made me feel like I was wandering through a somber dream. Perhaps I was on some of those mornings.

Anyway, somewhat philosophical in your approach to tell an imaginative tale, but I liked it all the same, makes one think for awhile. Writing’s slow and methodical but apt for the scenario. Maybe this idea of an ethereal sidekick was lurking within (hidden) for some time and you just needed the right conduit to express the ideology, or perhaps it was ‘off the cuff’ when the theme was announced. Either way… it works for what it is; a snippet in time..

I found it interesting at first, but I didn't get too much out of it. There's a lot of dialogue - which I don't mind - but it didn't really seem to progress or lead to much in the end. It has a bit of a slow, world-weary tone, which I think is well-fitting, but I'm not entirely sure what you were going for story-wise.

Not much of a story here and I was losing interest throughout. As others have said your dialogue needs a lot of work.

YOUNG MAN
Sir, you must have misunderstood.
We celebrate out of utmost respect
to our beloved friend. We celebrate
the victory of life over death.

No-one speaks like that.

You have the formatting down so now concentrate on that. Congrats on entering though.

Philosophical debates about death have been done to death.

Page 1: Mark asks John, the dead guy, if he’s afraid of death. What does John have to fear? He’s already on the other side.

Page 2: Mark: “Death is a tragic fault of our world.” If you say something like this, you’d better be prepared to defend it. Otherwise it’s just one of those profound statements that’s empty of meaning. John ignores it, which is probably for the best.

Page 3: Mark is unhappy with the crowd celebrating a death. John tells him to let it go because “They don’t understand.” Understand what? That there’s only one way to mourn? Who are these guys to think their way is the only way?

Nothing happens in this story, just some guys shooting the breeze. Inject some reason for all this talk about death. What if John has been sent back to bring Mark to the other side? Mark doesn’t want to die, so it’s up to John to convince him that it’s not so bad being dead. Not the greatest example, but at least there’s momentum to this story.

I’m actually a big fan of dialogue if handled right. Here, characters sounded unnatural and all the same. It was 2020 but at times they spoke like it was 1920.

As there was no compelling action my mind kept on drifting. I think it satisfied the criteria and there was a twist but I guessed it early on.

-Mark

Nice change of pace—single setting, dialogue driven, very different from the everything else I've read so far.

Much as I appreciate what you’re going for but it’s tricky to really nail this kind of dialogue exchange—to really come up with something that holds the attention and leaves a lasting impression.

For me, I just couldn’t see Mark’s point of view or why he felt compelled to interrupt a stranger’s funeral.  Maybe that's what the guy wanted?  I didn’t find either character all that relatable.  Had they been older perhaps - more prone to reflect on life's mysteries.  Hard to say as you gave us no ages.

Kudos for trying something different.

Steve

IMO, Mark is a dbag. He interrupts a funeral and judges how these people mourn? Insults them and then goes back to his buddy and rags about them?

There wasn't really a story here. Just two dudes talking about death, but the biggest problem is...I didn't care about any of them.

The writing and dialogue need work but I'm sure you got some great advice in previous comments. Just keep at it!!

Writer,

So, two guys digging a grave talking about death, then there's a party of some people dressed as skeletons celebrating life. In a snowstorm. Okay, maybe there's something there. But the way you told it, it doesn't hold my interest. I honestly couldn't understand exactly what they were talking about really, and kinda had no idea what happened at the end. Anyway, this feels like there wasn't a whole lot of thought put into it. Like you had an idea but didn't really have much of a story. The whole purpose of writing is to make a cohesive, entertaining story and you were a little off here. Anyway, good on you for making the attempt! Hope you had fun and read a bunch.

Steve