Mula Retinta by Chris Lapp - Short, Western - When he stumbles across a dying miner, an unscrupulous prospector sets out to claim the man's fortune as his own.  But first he must contend with the mule it's still attached to. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This was a very nicely written piece. Some great descriptions in there. I felt myself tuning out a little in the first 3-4 pages. Not much going on there, but I got more into it as the pages turned. Not a western fan so that may have caused my interest to wane, but the wonderful writing kept me turning the pages. Good job!

Well written, good descriptions.

This one is well written, evokes the period and location well, good job writer.

Is the mule meant to be the one from Columbian folklore?

The only slight issue is that in a couple of places the narrative confused me and I had to re-read, I think because it was back and forth a little. Minor gripe, probably me.

Otherwise solid entry.

While I would have preferred some of Gaspar's dialog to be in broken English, andor Bratt having his diaog in English but with a wrylie (in Spanish) because he generally understands what Gaspar is saying. Apart from that minor nitpick, I really think is a well written, solid entry.

I think the writing is very strong, and I think you’ve accomplished everything you were probably trying to do: Nice balance between action/description and dialogue. Not much to add. That said, this was just OK for me.

Ghost

Overall, nice job here - cool western vibe.

Strong characters - appropriate, natural dialogue.

The ending didn't quite do it for me - not the bang I was expected or the one foreshadowed by the old fellas panic earlier on.

But - good, clean writing - nice job.

Nicely written and a good tale of greed being the undoing of men. I had to re-read a few areas and I found myself drifting in parts, particularly the first 4 pages or so. I think you can trim or get to the action a bit sooner. I’m also a bit perplexed as to why two men are unable to catch a fully laden mule and lose all their clothes as a result but I do appreciate the metaphor.

A solid entry.

-Mark

Writer, you are next on my hitlist - I chose this because of the logline, drew me in.

You gained my interest at the start, lost me a bit in the middle, piqued it again towards the end, but baffled me with the ending.

It's probably because I've had about 8 hours sleep total since Friday morning (Thank you, children) but I have missed something, why are they taking their clothes off to chase the mule? Does the mule have some kind of spell over them?
I googled the legend, a spirit mule that causes storms to knock people from pathways - didn't mention anything about turning people into nudists.

Still, Fairly enjoyable read, good writing - Solid effort.

Good luck to you

As I go:

- Hands down my favourite title.
- Setup to get to our dark friend is a little laborious, though. I feel like we should've found this guy by page 3.
- Don't understand why we're back at the cabin. Gaspar's state is enough foreshadowing -- we don't need him yelling about the mule, especially since the only real drama here is that Bratt doesn't understand the language, which is sort of a cheat anyway.

Thoughts:

- Fun enough. Goes where we expect. Missing the most important thing these stories can have -- the sense that our guy might actually triumph. If we're just watching him with the comfortable detachment of knowing he's gonna die for gold-lust, it's not too engaging. Some spark of possible victory is needed.
- Excellent, clear writing.
- Again, don't understand the return to the cabin. Must be a way to smooth this out so he only sets out on the journey once. We really don't get much from the second back-and-forth that couldn't happen before he sees the mule the first time.

Chris

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Writer, you are next on my hitlist - I chose this because of the logline, drew me in. You gained my interest at the start, lost me a bit in the middle, piqued it again towards the end, but baffled me with the ending. It's probably because I've had about 8 hours sleep total since Friday morning (Thank you, children) but I have missed something, why are they taking their clothes off to chase the mule? Does the mule have some kind of spell over them? I googled the legend, a spirit mule that causes storms to knock people from pathways - didn't mention anything about turning people into nudists. Still, Fairly enjoyable read, good writing - Solid effort. Good luck to you

Not my script, but wanted to point out that shedding clothes is a classic symptom of hypothermia. Pretty clever use,I thought, of this tendency.

All in all, I enjoyed this script. Descriptions verged on overwritten at times, but never went too far. I too was confused by him ending back at the cabin. And, agree that the ending didn't quite deliver. Still, a fun script.

Who the heck is writing a Western?  This is a great set-up.  Excellent, even.

The intrigue started to wane, however, about half-way through.  Not sure when, exactly, but generally around the time they started conversing, I suppose.

This might work better without dialogue; on second thought, maybe with just the single line, "Mula Retinta."

The naked guy was totally eerie, but when Bratt starts stripping down too, it was kind of WTF.

Cheers to PK for clearing up the confusion -- why he knows this, I've no idea -- but I am not sure if this counts as common knowledge.  Was it an add-on to meet the challenge parameters?

I would encourage the author to return to this, and do with it what you will freed from the confines of this specific challenge.  As a whole, the script suggests that you've got the chops to turn it into something even better than it already is.

Quoted from PKCardinal Not my script, but wanted to point out that shedding clothes is a classic symptom of hypothermia. Pretty clever use,I thought, of this tendency. All in all, I enjoyed this script. Descriptions verged on overwritten at times, but never went too far. I too was confused by him ending back at the cabin. And, agree that the ending didn't quite deliver. Still, a fun script.

Well, bugger me lol Thanks PK

https://www.livescience.com/41730-hypothermia-terminal-burrowing-paradoxical-undressing.html

Found this. Also explains why he was digging a hole in the script - I would have gone with some of the more obvious symptoms first (slurred speech, acting like he's drunk, confusion) - maybe he does show these symptoms, can't remember without reading the script again.

I’d read that when you’re freezing to death, you get a feeling of warmth, but I didn’t realize some people got so hot they shed their clothes. A very entertaining script.

In terms of writing, definitely the best I read so far. Very suspenseful and not a line of dialogue or action too much.
Story-wise it left something to be desired, though the whole hypothermia aspect has its merits the reveal was a bit unclear. Other than that a damn good read.

Hey,

Nice atmospheric script.

It feels like you worked very hard on this script. It's truly a mass of beats, turns and plot development happening here.

The interactions in the cabin worked well, first I thought you keep it a chamber play.

The 'two hundred' yards reference felt a little overstated.

Overall, there was a fine noticeable metaphor of the greed of man following the gold on a trail of blood that eventually only leads to insanity. Good stuff.

Also, the whole story around the mule sounds as if it could be something authentic, like a tale from the gold digger scene.

Enjoyed the ending too.

I liked it. Very good entry.

Good story and it’s obvious that you write super duper well.
Only you left me somehow aggravated coz the story doesn’t unfold up until page 4. And Mylar Retina comes up at the end of page 3. This is a very slow start. Also you offer no characterization, so it’s more of a boring start versus dynamic. You could start slow and have some dialogue, expose your characters and make us wonder what they are in for.
Otherwise you left us hanging and wanting to bail. So the unfolding story stopped mattering.
And the writer of your caliber shouldn’t. I could but we r on vastly different levels.

Anyway, good luck although I don’t see it as a selectee right now.

I enjoyed this - very fine writing, that really evokes a Western atmosphere. The story was intriguing as well. I feel like this could be trimmed a little, as the pace became a little slow somewhere in the middle IMO. Other than that, this was good :)

Writer,

this didn't do much for me. No real resolution to this story, nothing that was satisfying, at least. Two men dying in the snow does not make for an interesting tale, and you had it set up to be something of interest. So what it becomes then is more a cautionary tale -- lust for gold or something like that, but it doesn't make for an entertaining story. Nice job getting it done, though.

Steve

As a big western fan, you achieved high marks. Loved the story, characters, dialogue, and met the challenge.

One thing really got me though: High Sierras, but each scene was different (e.g. bluff, basin, prairie (wtf?), brush line, creek side). Kind of odd but no deductions.

Nicely done.

Code Fire crackles in a crude stove casting light on a squalid room.

Missing comma. As it reads, the stove is casting the light, not the fire.

Code A slit window set high in the front wall, shuttered against a howling wind.

An unfinished sentence.

Code At a table sits ISAAC BRATT, mid 30s, gaunt, hunched beneath a blanket staring miserably into a bowl of gray broth.

Missing hyphen and yet another missing comma that makes your sentence read funny. The way this reads, a blanket staring miserably into a bowl of gray broth is actually a thing.

This is all on page one.

Code Hearing no more he returns to the broth, steeling himself to finish.

  

OK, so you have an issue with commas. No biggie, I'll just read every lazily-written sentence twice. Why not make my job harder? Not like I've got anything else to do. That is sarcasm, by the way. I'm going to stop mentioning the commas now. I'm still not off page one.

Code The old man mutters in broken Spanish.

Mutters what in broken Spanish? You give a language, this means the words are intelligible. Even if unintelligible, the actor would still need something to work with. Broken Spanish means he adds English words and bastardises the language to a degree. Maybe you meant that he mumbles unintelligibly?


In terms of story, this is probably the best I've read so far. However, I found the writing a chore to read. I skipped much of it, otherwise, I would have stopped reading as the writing is lacklustre. It's going to be interesting to see how the score comes out with this one. For me, anyway.


Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  5
Characters (1-5) – 4
Dialogue (1-5) – 4.5
Writing (1-5) – 1
Overall (1-10) – 7.25

A cleaner read would make this the winning script. As it stands, it's just good.

Thanks for the reads and feedback.  It’s all appreciated.

This is one I plan to come back to.  No idea how yet—not sure it’s got legs as a feature and too chunky budget wise for a short.  Given the notes I’d think to revise the pacing and trim the dialogue.  That said, I’m tempted to flesh it out a bit.  I do like the idea of giving Bratt a better chance at winning out.

Originally, the mule was just supposed to be bad tempered and flighty, but I found a few mule myths that gave it a supernatural slant.  Mula Retinta, ‘the Dark Mule’ seemed most (loosely) fitting with roots that could inform Gaspar’s superstition.

Thanks to PK for picking up on the paradoxical undressing.  That was something I learned about a long time ago.  I never gave it a second thought that it’s not all that well known.  I can appreciate how odd the story must read if you’re not familiar with it.

As for the ending, I wanted there to be a darkly comic undertone to the whole thing.  Not sure that worked.  I thought the idea of the mule leading Bratt in a circle back to the cabin—to meet the same undignified end he’d condemned Gaspar to—was kind of fitting.    

As to the writing, fair enough on the sloppy comma usage.  They’ve never been my strong point.  Time to dig out the grammar book.

Thanks again - all good stuff to work with.

Steve

Quoted from stevemiles Thanks for the reads and feedback.  It’s all appreciated. This is one I plan to come back to.  No idea how yet—not sure it’s got legs as a feature and too chunky budget wise for a short.  Given the notes I’d think to revise the pacing and trim the dialogue.  That said, I’m tempted to flesh it out a bit.  I do like the idea of giving Bratt a better chance at winning out. Originally, the mule was just supposed to be bad tempered and flighty, but I found a few mule myths that gave it a supernatural slant.  Mula Retinta, ‘the Dark Mule’ seemed most (loosely) fitting with roots that could inform Gaspar’s superstition. Thanks to PK for picking up on the paradoxical undressing.  That was something I learned about a long time ago.  I never gave it a second thought that it’s not all that well known.  I can appreciate how odd the story must read if you’re not familiar with it. As for the ending, I wanted there to be a darkly comic undertone to the whole thing.  Not sure that worked.  I thought the idea of the mule leading Bratt in a circle back to the cabin—to meet the same undignified end he’d condemned Gaspar to—was kind of fitting.     As to the writing, fair enough on the sloppy comma usage.  They’ve never been my strong point.  Time to dig out the grammar book. Thanks again - all good stuff to work with. Steve

Best of luck with it - you certainly have a rock solid start

Quoted from bert The naked guy was totally eerie, but when Bratt starts stripping down too, it was kind of WTF. Cheers to PK for clearing up the confusion -- why he knows this, I've no idea -- but I am not sure if this counts as common knowledge.  Was it an add-on to meet the challenge parameters?

A few years back, a well-known reviewer for CNET (James Kim) and his family got lost on the back roads of Oregon. They got stuck in the snow and James decided to try and hike out to find help. The searchers found articles of clothing making a trail through the woods. Everyone thought it was a good sign, that James was leaving a trail intentionally. I remember one expert explained that it was a bad sign. It meant that James was dying of hypothermia, and he was shedding. They found his body not long after. (After finding his family alive.)

That's just always stuck with me. Usually the body's instincts seem to aid survival. But, in this case, the body actually harms itself quite dramatically.

Sad story.

As for this script, I'm glad I was able to help out. I hate it when I try something clever and nobody catches it. I didn't want that to be this script's fate.

It's an odd phenomenon - along with terminal burrowing, which I wasn't familiar with before Matt's link.  I remember reading about P.U. in the Dyatlov Pass incident - an altogether bizarre and largely unexplained tragedy.  But that's a whole other tangent...

Apologies I didn't understand on the first read (Thanks PK for correcting me)