Below the Beanstalk by Anonymous 14 - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A giant tracks her husband's murderer down a magical beanstalk.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Huh, wha'd'ya know, this reads OK to me, an interesting take on Jack and the Beanstalk.  Good on you for trying to be creative in your new world.  I didn't quite laugh out loud, but there's stuff happening in every scene, and you got the quirky character thing going on.  That said, the biggest gripe I had with this was the tone.  Couldn't find its pulse.  JMHO.  Won't nitpick.  Too many to get through. Entertaining for sure.-A

Hmm, lots to like in this as I loved the twist on the old tale.

But, the syringe felt shoehorned in and out of place in the time period.

Tonally it seemed off too, started in one place and ended in another with dialogue seeming to become more modern as it went.

However, I thought it was a well-written script and very inventive.

Good effort.

Hmm - high marks for imagination but this one didn't quite land for me. Hard to put my finger on it - kind of like I was headed off on one journey/tone and shifted to another - and not in a rewarding way.

Going to give this another read tomorrow to see if my impression changes - I think there is some good writing here but somehow just not landing in terms of a story.

An inventive and imaginary sequel to Jack and the Beanstalk. Some interesting writing. At times it was easy to visualise the scene while at others I was lost and had to re-read sections. No doubt this could all be fixed with a polish.

The story and tone were all over the place though and it didn't feel right. A very decent effort though.

Oh, and you use 'off of' several times which reads weirdly.  

Wow, that was unexpected. A new take and perspective. A very complete story arc in ten pages, too. Well done, writer. I wonder if this writer has submitted multiple stories for this challenge? Or are there that many damn good writers with similar styles this OWC?!

A couple little grammar issues but nothing that a little revision would correct. Kudos!

This isn't getting much attention - so here's my attention :-)

Plus, What's not to love about Jack and the beanstalk.

Wow, a nice take on the tale and a very adult version lol I rather enjoyed it to be honest. If this was made, I would totally watch.
Writing is pretty good, characters aren't' too bad - I really hated Jack.

Criteria - Sand, IMHO just landing on a beach does not make the sand relevant in any way. I feel like I am being harsh with the criteria, but it feels harsh to let scripts that haven't followed the criteria go unscathed while there are other scripts which have genuinely woven the criteria into the narrative.
Again, someone please tell me if I am being too harsh (or if I have missed something and the sand actually played a part)

Best of luck writer

As I go:

- I love this logline/concept.
- The town square sequence, while high drama, seems very slapdash for a complex society. We go from capital punishment to freedom by decree in a page. I think this scene might work better as just a quick military tribunal, or a discussion right there at the beanstalk in the first scene. The approach to the trial is at once too complicated and too simple.
- Yeah. I think you could just cut from the first scene to the scene with Fahvol. Fill in the backstory while Fahvol does his stuff.
- Overdoes it with Jack's turn, for me -- he kinda devolves into one-note nastiness.
- I like Jack's story, but -- is this the story he told the villagers? Killing a paralyzed giant? Seems less heroic. Just something that stuck in my brain -- seems like he would have lied to the villagers, and so it would be fun if she challenged his story and he leaned in whispering to tell the real story.

Thoughts:

- Too much time spent on the first half. It's a fun world, but the story doesn't kick off until we find Jack. I'd try to lose almost everything before that -- all that really matters is the distrust and the pills.
- I think cutting to the chase would also lend a bit more time so that Jack can expose his nastiness in the way he treats the prisoners -- the other giants really fall out of the narrative once they arrive at the bar, and it'd be nice to keep them in.
- This is an excellent premise, again. I would watch this.

Chris

Hi writer,

That was a unique take on an old world fable. Can’t really recall the entire logistics of the original; I know it involved a beanstalk, magic seeds (were those in there?)… no, they were beans <-- close enough. Regardless, I’m not grading scripts on all the elements necessary, just the one’s that are necessary, which is a golden goose – that’s in there.

Most of Disney stories come from old sick and twisted Germanic fables of necrophilia and the likes, so why not take an old children’s fable and go full twisted, in this case it works very well. Very creative.

I never once ever thought that mild mannered phrase could sound so creepy, till now.

CORMELIAN: Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum

JAME GUMB: It puts the lotion in the basket.

… the creep factor is exactly the same, lol.

Very creative story and a wild blend of tones and ideas - love how you changed up Jack's character. I liked it overall, but it felt a bit too fast for me at times and a bit slow in the first half. Some of the requirements didn't serve much purpose in the script. But again, props to your imagination - an interesting take :)

I'm a big fan of twisted and re-imagined fairy tales. I've seen many takes on Jack and the Beanstalk, but none of them went where you did. Great job finding a new angle on the story! I love how dark it is, and flipping Jack to the villain.

Great characters, great dialogue, I had no problem with the syringe and it certainly was an important element, and the song wasn't cringy at all, it worked for me. The sand was just thrown in there though, it didn't have any impact on the story or the characters.

I do have some issues with the story. Cormelian threw the baggie of pills into the ocean. There was no subterfuge about it, they weren't being sneaky or clever, she did that. But somehow after waking up pint-sized she managed to gulp down another bag of pills as a last resort without Fahvol knowing?

I'm guessing the whole "Jack the Giant Slayer" billboard was a trap in case any giants came down looking to get even with Jack. It's the only thing that makes sense, but then Jack is such a braggart I expected him to crow about how clever that was, luring them right to him.

The ending is quite satisfying, good job there.

Very interesting take on an old tale. It dragged a bit though, in several areas, IMO. Could use a trim to speed it up.

Something about this feels familiar. Does this writer have another entry in this OWC, I wonder?

So for me, I liked the idea here very much. The writing is good but IMO, overwritten in some parts which slowed things down for me. Nice effort though. Great imagination.

Interesting sequel to “Jack and the Beanstalk.”

Page 1: In the opening scene, the giants are staring at something off scene. Then we see the beanstalk as it “whips back and forth as something unseen crawls down it, below the clouds.” Then the beanstalk “rockets toward the ground, disappearing into the bed of clouds.”

First, why is the beanstalk off scene in the first place? Second, since there’s nothing to compare the Giants against, how do we know they’re giants? Third, wouldn’t the beanstalk sway less the lower on it someone is?

Wouldn’t it be more exciting to see “little” Jack being pursued by the “evil” Giants? He climbs down the beanstalk and the Giants can’t follow because they’re too big.

Still on page 1, Jeraldo’s second speech is too convoluted. Just say that she helped the murdering, thieving Englishman escape.

Page 2: Cormelian’s third speech: “...The enchanted beans they used are of no more!”

Page 3: Jeraldo’s first speech: “And you hold the word of an Englishman?” I would have used another word in place of “hold.” Perhaps “honor.”

The next action line: “Jeraldo contemplates over something.” Perhaps “mulls something over.”
Jeraldo’s next speech: “You have better remembered that Englishman’s face.” Perhaps: “For your sake, I hope you haven’t forgotten that Englishman’s face.”

Still page 3: Cormelian’s first speech is obviously in answer to something she’s been told, but as it stands, it makes no sense.

Page 4: “A deathly drop leads into a raging river.” “Deathly implies that all who jump into it will die, yet the soldiers don’t. How about “A tremendous drop into a raging river.”

Still page 4: “The soldier’s jump in for the exception... .” Use “with.”

Page 5: last action lines. A billboard in this era is such an anachronism you’re going to need to provide a better description than “weathered.”

Page 6: “No-nonsense guards patrol the area.” They might have a bouncer or two at the door and near the bar, but guards roaming the floor? That would be such a killjoy, no drinking establishment would allow it.

Page 7: “His blue eyes pierce into Cormelian’s.” Unless his eyes grow spikes, it’s probably less painful to write something like “locks his piercing gaze on her.”

Page 8: Jack’s last speech: “...Make sure they don’t carry the tablets!” This is the first we’ve heard of tablets. Did he perhaps mean “pills”?

Page 9: Jack’s speech at top: “I bring terror to their parts, it be best to all flee.” Perhaps: “I bring terror to their lands -- it be best for all of them to flee.”

Still page 9: third action line: “Several giant’s skeleton hang about.” How about: “Several giants’ skeletons hang from it.”

Page 10: where did the pills come from?

“...Women are squeezed. Children are ate.” Women are squeezed all the time (and some even like it). Children are ate, not so much. Perhaps: “Women are crushed and children devoured.”

Writer,

Top marks from me. This was good, but did you meet all the criteria? I don't believe you did -- you have a song, but I believe I missed the others as I don't recall seeing sand, snow or space. Still, this was one of the more original scripts I've seen here. My only other gripe is the vulgarity. Not that I'm against vulgarity, it just seems misplaced in a story like this.

Steve

*** edit. Now by reading the comments I see you did basically meet the criteria. My bad.

This was fun and a nice departure from some of the other more straightforward stories. Good imagination on display here and throughout I kept thinking this would make for a nice animated short. In terms of the script itself, it needs another couple of drafts. Some descriptions felt a little rushed but yeah pretty good overall. Good job!

Good. Just damn good really.
The story could have started a bit quicker in my opinion, it took a while to really get rolling.
Thus far the only one I read with a musical number, and for some reason, I kept on imagining Gaston from Belle and the Beast singing it.

Well, it seems most of the reviewers are wrong. This isn't a retelling but, rather, a sequel. This a good story with a convenient ending that lets it down...but only slightly.


Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  4.5
Characters (1-5) – 4
Dialogue (1-5) – 5
Writing (1-5) – 4
Overall (1-10) – 8.75

All the votes are in and none of them were/are mine so...

When you do a rewrite just remember this needs a good grammar sweep.

Englishmen (plural)
Englishman (singular)

And you hold the word of an
Englishmen?

Grounded bones of an Englishmen.
I smell the blood of an Englishmen.

This woman allowed an Englishmen into
their home, whom stole from them,

You have better remembered that
Englishmen's face.

Jeraldo contemplates over something
Jeraldo contemplates...

Whom v who

Whom should be used to refer to the object of a verb or preposition. When in doubt, try this simple trick: If you can replace the word with “he”' or “'she,” use who. If you can replace it with “him” or “her,” use whom. Who should be used to refer to the subject of a sentence.

I'm not your intended audience for this type of fantasy story so don't mind me too much. Inventive for sure - another example of using source material and embellishing which is a nifty idea, but I found myself skimming a lot.

Some nice moments of humour.

I saw all the positive feedback, and thought I better check this one out.

I did not take notes as I read, but there are lots of writing mishaps on display - Slugs are not consistent, misspellings galore, visuals not set up all that well, etc.

BUT, story-wise, this is both creative and strong.  Tone is all over the place, which isn't a complement, and I think you went a little overboard in terms of the swearing, but don't worry, I'm far from offended.

It needs some work, but it's a solid entry.