Quote the Raven, Nevermore by Mary Shelley and H.P. Lovecraft - Short, Horror - When a grieving man conjures up a dark twisty tale -- he soon discovers not only can dreams come true, but nightmares, too... - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm guessing this is going to be gothic ;-)

There is a hell of a lot of capitalisation going on in the first scene, current logic is that these are largely unnecessary in spec scripts... even if you do prefer them then they tend to be sounds or objects, blistering is neither and looks out of place... i'd tone these down - a lot. (which you do later in the script)

Elipsis, twice in first scene and one not used correctly (imho)... I do love a good elipsis too but... well you get the point ;-)

Three shows a night in a theatre... nope, not for a proper play surely.

Okay, so I'm vaguely familiar with the source works here and got many, though I doubt all, of the references and these work well in a well worked pastiche like this -  good job.

I think those unfamiliar with the sources may find it a tad confusing, but that's their fault ;-)

Liked it.

Some folks don't like creative title pages - I love them and this one was especially good.

Great description of the Nurse - very visual. All in all an excellent job in establishing tone here in the opening. Although I did want to know where I was geographically.  Could have been done in the header - e.g., ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE - is an example - this is a real nit, I know.

Quoted Text Bytheseashore Manor

Need some space between those words.

Loved this:

VINCENT

Quoted Text If there really is such a thing as turning in one's grave, Shakespeare must get a lot of exercise.

This is start to drag a bit at the end - I dunno - could be the dialogue passages are a bit too long.

Anyway - a skilled writer here especially as it relates to conveying the tone of a setting.

Writer,

Yeah, I'm one of those not familiar with the source material so this was generally lost on me. Some would say you write to an audience, but with the way this is written only a select few will get this. I did not. You do appear to be a good writer, and I enjoyed a whole lot of this, but it was tedious to get through, and with so many characters -- or ones that are alluded to -- I found this very hard to follow along with.

Steve

Huh. I did enjoy a good part of this. Your writing style, the visuals you evoke, the dialogue and atmosphere - I thought it was all very intriguing. I fear that a lot of the quality is lost on me, though, since I'm not too familiar with most of the works you're referring to (which isn't your fault). So, while I was struggling to keep up and understand all that was going on, I could still get a lot of good stuff out of this. I might return to this at a later point. And now I actually feel like reading up on Poe ;).

As someone who suffers from this himself: the capitalization is a bit much and often not really necessary.

"The lights go out, leaves them in the embers of the fire. He�s ripped from is sleep, groggy, clutching the book.  Eleanor is nowhere to be seen."
- This was going way too fast for me...

'A dark beat'...that's a new one to me. Some odd formatting and lose the (continued) feature. Some grammar and misspellings too.

Man, that was ambitious. Interesting, what would it be, fan fiction? Not much more to say.

Good work, writer.

I’m a fan of Edgar Allen Poe and yet I was confused by parts of this. I think this is because the screenplay is written like a gothic novel in style and tone so we get unfilmable comments like, “We sense his sadness.” and even longer unfilmables like  “The irony isn’t lost on him as they are swallowed up by the shrieking darkness... a desperate feeling of anger, frustration, and pity grips him.”  littered throughout. I certainly started to drift off towards the end with the long conversations and prose style action.

There’s nothing wrong with this story that a severe trim and polish couldn’t rectify. It is a creative endeavour to be applauded.

As I go:

- The combination of bolds, italics, underlining etc. is so busy as to read slower for me.
- A Marx Brothers joke? +1.

Thoughts:

- A gothic pastiche that I'm not sure really went anywhere. As a mood piece I dug it, but as a story I'm not sure that the framing device of Genevieve really did anything for us. I'd rather see this as a two-hander without the intrusion of an outside eye, personally. The majority of what Genevieve explains comes through before she explains it -- I think you can trust in what you've done with the back-and-forth dialogue and not explain everything at the end.
- The literary repartee feels a little out of place, to me. Because these characters are caught in a ghost trip, having them get half-meta with literary allusions actually muddies things more, for me. Let it exist on the level of the abstract without going beyond that.

Chris

Hello writer

Another style I'm not overly keen on - Some descriptions are vivid and evocative - others are over-the-top and grating, novelistic. Some complete unfilmables in there too.

This is lost on me - I'm sure it's very clever, but I have no idea what it is talking about. I'm not the target audience for this.

I also don't think this meets the criteria - possible through all the words I missed it - sand, snow or space anyone? I'm open to being corrected if I missed it :-)

Well done on entering

This was a very heavy 10 pages. The descriptions were very good, for a novel though. Way too flowery for a screenplay.  The story itself was buried under way to much quoted dialog and over description. And there was so much going on with the font...bolding, underlining, italicized, continued's...it was just too much.

What's a "dark beat"?

I don't know...I feel like you were trying way too hard to impress your readers but instead,  you lost them cus your story got buried. You obviously know how to write, I'd be surprised if your main focus wasn't on writing a novel. You seem to have the chops for it. Screenplays are definitely more lean.

Best of luck

Poe like Shakespeare just makes me yawn.

Did you ever see that Simpsons Halloween episode where they did The Raven? Use that as your yardstick -- equal or better it. ;D  Just kidding. Yea, I'll echo some of the other's.  The dialogue needs a trim.  Consider losing most of the voice-over in the final minutes.  A coupla lines of A/C descriptions needs attention. Too novelistic IMO.

I do agree a pastiche like this is a difficult story to tell and even harder to fully develop in 10 pages. The story is there all right.  You've gotten more or less some good feedback.  Now use it to bring it out.-A

I’m glad I read it as you created some really great atmosphere here. All of your characters are tuned in to it.
At the same time it’s like a narration of everything. Your characters behave like narrators and explain and explain something that’s very clear and doesn’t need an explanation. Even if we didn’t need Raven - we don’t need Genevieve tell us outright what happened there imho.
But I still like it. It’s creatively told.
Actually one of the better entries for me

So we start with pseudonyms again on the title page and these don't work for me at all, so I'm starting off in a not so great mood.

Also, the classic line is "Quoth the raven nevermore", so let's see if this is a mistake or just the way you chose to title this.

Immediately I feel like I just read something from this writer and I was not very complementary.  I know already what this is going to look like and read like and neither are positive.

"Whom will come to know as GENEVIEVE." - This makes literally no sense as written, and it's most likely 1 of 100's of mistakes to come here, based on overwriting, and trying to impress...but it's not impressive at all, sadly.

I'm not going to keep taking notes. as there would be way too many.  Let's see if I can stay in until "THE END".

No ages for characters?

3 shows a night of live theater?  Those sure are long nights!

Yeah, this isn't for me.  The style on display only irritates me and makes for a long, hard read.

Sorry, but I'm out very early.

Well written although I had to go back and re-read a few lines here and there. Not sure if that was because of the unfamiliarity of it all or just confusing ex. "she admires an oil painting above the fireplace of HERSELF as LENORE." Not sure what that means. I assume it's in reference to something specific in Poe's works.

I found myself skimming toward the end. Certainly, it is poetic in style and nicely written so will give you that. Just not my cup of tea.

Excellent!

Hi writer,

Strange and hollowing tale of psychosis, perhaps brought on by a biological weapon of upper Hollywood-crust inbreeding… or the martini.

I felt like I was walking a tightrope enigma from the pages of Poe’s ‘The Raven’, Hardy’s ‘The Darkling Thrush’, and Beckett’s ‘Endgame’. Then, to finish it off, the stage was set in and amongst ‘Nine Inch Nails’ cinematic vignette of ‘Perfect Drug’.

‘Twas a trippy ride in and amongst the walls of ‘By the Seashore Manor’. Not quite as surreal, fun, and spooktacular as the ‘Haunted Mansion’ ride at Disney, but, surreal, fun, and spooktacular none the less.

Best of luck.

Sometimes it was hard to follow, not sure why. Maybe it's just me. It kind of looks like there is something interesting going on here, but I wasn't able to understand it. So I think that on one hand it is good that you don't spoon-feed the reader-viewer, but it's too vague, at least to me.

I think the text is over-formatted (italics, underlinings).

There's backstory here, which makes it interesting. Genevieve being a nurse is supposed to hint us that she is taking care of her father as a medic, but instead of serving life as a medic should, turns to serving death, if I understood your idea correctly. I'd like to see some sort of condemnation for her doing this, though. Some sign of a punishment to come. It's also interesting she said that her mother is in hell. Well, that's one hell of an insensitive statement.

Solid effort.

Barely made it to page 2 and I keep having to go back to see what I’ve missed.  Who is LENORE?  Have I missed something?  I guess it helps to be familiar with the source material and unfortunately, I’m not, which is the risk you run with an idea like this.

I respect what you were going for and you certainly conjure an atmosphere on the page but I just found myself tuning out of the read.  Lots of quoted passages to the point I couldn’t tell how much of this is your story and how much was Poe’s.  I don't doubt you can write, but without a better understanding of the source this is wasted on a literary heathen like me.

As long as I can follow the story I’m not much fussed over personal style but I don’t understand what sets the italicised action apart from the non?

Good luck.  

How old is Genevieve?

Why the use of italics?

Yeah, this was a real slog. It's far better when these things are modernised rather than mimicking outright. It takes a greater skill, I feel, to make something like this digestible by all. As it stands, it's niche and densely written in a way that means it is for a reader more than a viewer. I enjoyed the old stories of Poe and Lovecraft. However, that was then. This is now. You need to bring something different to the table.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  3
Characters (1-5) – 4
Dialogue (1-5) – 4
Writing (1-5) – 3.5
Overall (1-10) – 7.25

Bit late on this one but wanted to comment cause this one stuck with me and just needs a bit more narrative clarity.

First off a comment on the title font. Pendants hate them, but I love an embellished title. It sets the mood and it's becoming more widely acceptable too.

Great opening tone with the cloaked Nightingale Nurse...

Okay, there it is! I was looking for Genevieve's intro. FYI, it got lost there, least for me. I surmise by the end that she's Vincent's daughter and carer, but I think she needs an age. Actually reading again and now realising her prominent role, her intro needs way more prominence. And, I'll add that you might want to think of giving her some opening narration to top the tail at the end.

Whom will come to know as GENEVIEVE.
Whom we will come to know... Hmm, I don't know... I only ever get it right myself half the time. Never an easy one  the ol' whom. The language here fits with the style though,  so -

I'll throw this in anyway:
Whom should be used to refer to the object of a verb or preposition. When in doubt, try this simple trick: If you can replace the word with “he”' or “'she,” use who. If you can replace it with “him” or “her,” use whom. Who should be used to refer to the subject of a sentence.

You've probably been on the trail of that one yourself immediately it was commented on.

Genevieve's pivotal to tie everything together imho and she has some of the best lines.

This is terrific.

That place between sleep and wake,
where you can still remember
dreaming. It’s a worst place to
be when you no longer can sleep
nor dream. The moments we cherish
turns into memories, the things we
desire become wishes, the people
we love turn into strangers.

The only thing I'd personally change is:
That place between sleep and awake
Or: That place between sleeping and waking.
And edit: it'saworst to: the worst.

Overall two things I'm left with. I think there needs to be more cohesiveness re the story to make it more accessible to modern audiences. I think it's a great idea taking old source material and using it as the backbone and inspiration for a script. You've weaved a backstory into what is essentially just a long poem, no easy feat but it does get a bit bogged down in some places so that the flourishes and quotes end up detracting from the emotion which is the central thing you want to impact upon an audience.

Look at what Baz Luhrmann did with Romeo & Juliet.
Look at what Mel Gibson does with Shakespeare and other source material.
Come back, Mel! All is forgiven. Well, he does make a comeback now and then... :)

Technically I'd like to make a suggestion:
Then hears an ominous SQUAWKING. (An ominous squawking...)
You use preambles/preface some action lines (not all) that I don’t think are necessary, and may actually impede the pace and rhythm.
As her words register, his body stiffens and convulses, (His body stiffens and convulses...)
Just a thought..

Anyway, I'm at risk of banging on too much here.

Not just a tragic romantic tale here but a real gothic horror.
Mom’s dead. We buried
her together two years ago.

Did he kill her deliberately?

Looking forward to hearing from you after the challenge.

This was memorable and extremely atmospheric, Ghostie! Should have known it was you. Really nice work!

Argh!

First off, thanks Kham, and thanks to everyone for their great feedback.  

Yeah, we knew it would be a tough sell, I suppose the question could be "what the hell is going on here."   If it's not compelling to most readers then we missed the mark.  Well I did. Honestly, Andrea wasn't that crazy about this one.  I should have listened.  She's way smarter than me.

Pastiches are hard to pull off.  But I wanted to go outside of my comfort zone.  Thanks again.

Ghost

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Argh! First off, thanks Kham, and thanks to everyone for their great feedback.   Yeah, we knew it would be a tough sell, I suppose the question could be "what the hell is going on here."   If it's not compelling to most readers then we missed the mark.  Well I did. Honestly, Andrea wasn't that crazy about this one.  I should have listened.  She's way smarter than me. Pastiches are hard to pull off.  But I wanted to go outside of my comfort zone.  Thanks again. Ghost

I thought it was pretty solid.  Just a bit more pacing.

Thank ye kindly, Dave.  From both of us. Andrea.