As an exercise I wrote a single scene to help develop my skills. Feedback, critique and suggestions more than gratefully received.

Thanks


LINK REMOVED DUE TO POSTER IDIOCY :-)

If you have problems viewing it pls let me know.

https://1drv.ms/b/s!Aqi3eogrHs8FgctN8XCxNVe9JoBPmw?e=8z863H

Try this pls.

Yep. All good.

Quoted from LC Yep. All good.

Yaaaaayy.

Owen.  I'll let Dave do his bit first seeing as it was his kind offer and I'll add anything if needed later.

One thing while you're waiting...The use of parentheticals, "wrylies' - always lower case btw, and overused. (sarcastically) (with attitude) You don't need to spoonfeed your audience as much as you are. You've created a tone already.

First thing I notice is the first slug.

EXT. OUTSIDE TOM'S HOUSE - MORNING.

Change that to --

EXT. TOM'S HOUSE - MORNING

Do people wax their cars in the morning? Seems like an afternoon thing to me.

Quoted from LC Owen.  I'll let Dave do his bit first seeing as it was his kind offer and I'll add anything if needed later. One thing while you're waiting...The use of parentheticals, "wrylies' - always lower case btw, and overused. (sarcastically) (with attitude) You don't need to spoonfeed your audience as much as you are. You've created a tone already.

Thanks for that, I'll dial back the "wrylies" and format properly in future.

Quoted from Zack First thing I notice is the first slug. EXT. OUTSIDE TOM'S HOUSE - MORNING. Change that to -- EXT. TOM'S HOUSE - MORNING Do people wax their cars in the morning? Seems like an afternoon thing to me.

Thanks, I'll not use so much description in the slug.

Didn't realise car waxing was time specified lol.

Quoted from Geezis Didn't realise car waxing was time specified lol.

Just a stupid nit pick on my part. I suck at reviews. :P

I'll read the rest of this and get back to you with my thoughts.

Quoted from Zack Just a stupid nit pick on my part. I suck at reviews. :P I'll read the rest of this and get back to you with my thoughts.

Thank you  :)

I have to agree with what the other reviewers said. Also, if the son is 17 he shouldn't be surprised that his dad refers to his car as "she". A few lines later he says something alluding to not being a kid anymore.

It was a good exercise and well contained scene. You kept it short and it was easy to make it to the end.

I can't copy from your script. Your first three action lines have missing commas.

Quoted from Arundel I have to agree with what the other reviewers said. Also, if the son is 17 he shouldn't be surprised that his dad refers to his car as "she". A few lines later he says something alluding to not being a kid anymore. It was a good exercise and well contained scene. You kept it short and it was easy to make it to the end.

Thank you. I can work on my character development.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I can't copy from your script. Your first three action lines have missing commas.

I'll keep an eye on my grammatical errors, thanks for the feedback.

Okay, Owen - as promised.

Quoted Text EXT. OUTSIDE TOM’S HOUSE - MORNING.

Don't need OUTSIDE - it's an EXT setting. Put use the header to give us as much info as possible. For example:

EXT. TOM’S HOUSE/DRIVEWAY - DAY

There is not enough meat on the bone to start with. I don't know anything about Tom or Will, their station in life, their looks, etc. Just my opinion, but when I am first meeting a character I want some of that. You have this:

Quoted Text TOM (47) meticulously waxes his car. WILL (19) jogs from the house carrying a bag.

I would add a little bit of meat. As an spit ball example.

Quoted Text TOM (47), fit and trim meticulously waxes the fender of a BMW COUPE. He stops wipes sweat for his brow as he admires his work.

Okay - it doesn't have to be that - the point being my making a few changes I can infer that Tom is at least middle-class, has been working at this task quite a bit and is proud of his car and his work.

Quoted Text WILL (19) jogs from the house carrying a bag.

Watch lines like this - does he need to be carrying a bag? If so, you got to help us out here - it is a plastic bag, grocery bag, duffel bag, etc.?  But you probably don't need any bag since you don't use it in the scene anyway.

And like with Tom, I'd add a bit of description - maybe he's got a baseball cap on backwards or something.

The point being try to make every line you write count and get out of that line as much as possible, efficiently as possible.  

Quoted Text WILL Hey dad, you almost done?

I'd go with Dad since it is used as a name.
You need a comma after Hey. Should be:

WILL
Hey, Dad. You almost done?

TOM
Done with what?

Quoted Text Will stands beside the car pointing at it. WILL With this.

I think all you need it.

Will points at the car.

Quoted Text TOM Careful what you’re saying kiddo, I’ve just spent the best part of an hour washing and waxing her.

Need a comma after kiddo. Also - shorten

TOM
Careful, kiddo,
I’ve just spent the best part of
an hour washing and waxing her.

Quoted Text WILL Her? You’ve given your car a sex?

This sounds unnatural to me. I'd just go with.

WILL
Her...?

Quoted Text TOM Every man’s car is a her, you’ll learn that as you get older. WILL (With attitude) Yeah I get it, you love to get inside her and she takes you to heaven and back, I’ve heard that one before. Tom gets pissed at this.

First, you are way over-using parentheticals here.  Check out this post on the site:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1553907192/s-new/

PS - there are a lot of threads there you could read to help you out.

Second - the dialogue didn't seem natural for me from a 17 year-old to his Dad.

I'd really avoid stuff like:

Quoted Text Tom gets pissed at this.

Quoted Text Tom seems startled by this calms down.

Quoted Text Will loosens up and gets jovial.

Quoted Text Tom gets a little tense.

These things should generally be evident through action or dialogue.

Quoted Text A few of the guys? No way, take the bus.

Uber?

Quoted Text Alice walks provocatively into the house while Tom just watches with a wry grin on is face.

Always go through a script and look for pedestrian verbs like "walks" and see if you can't use one that has more pop. Example - how about -

Alice sashays towards the house...

So, Owen - all in all for a newbie I think you are headed in the right direction. Keep at it ,mate. You have many of the basics down and now need to work on the craft - I would keep reading and writing and definitely take a look at all of the threads in the screenwriting class section of this site.

Thanks very much for taking the time to read it over and critique it. Lot's of really useful pointers in there for me.
I'll keep at it and while I may not perfect the craft I should improve given enough practice.

Cheers

Owen

Quoted from Geezis Thanks very much for taking the time to read it over and critique it. Lot's of really useful pointers in there for me. I'll keep at it and while I may not perfect the craft I should improve given enough practice. Cheers Owen

My pleasure

I'm gonna jump in too, Owen - hope you don't mind. I'll try not to repeat what Dave has already mentioned. (Note, I'm an amateur too, just trying to pass on what I have learnt so far from others)

You seem willing to learn and open to criticism, which already puts you a step ahead of a lot of people.

Quoted Text EXT. OUTSIDE TOM’S HOUSE - MORNING. TOM (47) meticulously waxes his car.

Don't forget to set up the scene. Not simply just what we are looking it, but think of the scene as another "character" - you can infer tone and emotion and put the reader in the right mindset for the rest of the scene. weather is always the easiest example;
Pissing it down with rain or clear blue skies will set a different tone (if it's needed). Try and link it to the narrative, for example - if you are building up the scene for something bad to happen at its climax, you could have dark clouds on the horizon - a looming storm - that's a bit on the nose I know but just trying to make my point lol

The scene could also help to reveal details about the characters - for example, "Tom's House" tells me nothing about it:
Detached with a well-manicured lawn and white-picket-fence?
Inner-city terraced with a rusting old fridge on the lawn?
Seeing a characters house immediately gives us an insight into their character before we have even seen them on-screen.

The most obvious reason to set up the scene is, we need to know what we are looking at - for a read to be enjoyable and engrossing, the reader needs to be able to visualize your story easily.

Moving on - The positives.

There are a lot of positives from your simple scene;
- The dialogue (although often unnatural - which comes with practice) contains conflict from the start, heightens the tensions between the two.
- It gives the characters a goal (obtain the car), and sets up the problem (dad says no!)
- Conflict! builds throughout the scene until the climax (kid storming off, failed to achieve his goal)
- It's not a dead end. attempt to get the goal has failed, but he is not back where he started. The ending note of the scene (Convincing dad to give him a lift) leads on to the next scene

Since we don't know the larger story here - we can't comment - but a scene should ultimately drive to narrative forward (a step closer/further from a goal) it needs to be fundamental to the larger story - if a scene can be cut and the story still makes sense, that's a sign it's not needed.

Heighten the drama with action to complement the dialogue. none of this "Tom is angry" "Tom is Sad"
- Tom slams the waxing cloth onto the bonnet
- Tom's head drops, fidgets with the waxing cloth
Try and use action as much as possible to convey these things. It's the subtle nuances that bring us deeper into a story, makes it feel real and lived in.

That's all I got time for - Remember I'm an amateur, so you know, a pinch of salt and all that.

Best of luck to you

Hi Matthew,

Thank you very much for your input, everything that everyone gives me has been valuable to my learning experience.

I was given a remit for the scene, a father and son argue over a car.
So I wrote it in 10 mins and put it on the site.

Even the few lines and pages that I wrote has had some great pointers given to me and I'm sure I'll keep on improving.

Cheers

Owen

Why don't you add a littke more description for  each character.To visualize and process what they look like?