So Beautiful by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - A couple's longing wish is fulfilled when they are blessed with a beautiful girl. But they soon realize that sometimes wishes are better when not granted. 4 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice :)

Thanks Don for posting.

Hey, Yuvraj. I've noticed you being active on the boards, so I thought I'd do you a favor and read your script.

First, the positives. I actually like the core of this story. You have a solid twist that could work well. You also tried to give your characters some depth, which is great. Gives the twist a more emotional impact.

Now, for the negatives...

The actual writing itself is littered with mistakes, starting from the first slug.

INT. ROOM - HOUSE - NIGHT

House should be before room. And you should specify whose room this is.

English doesn't appear to be your first language, so I'm not gonna grill you for the dialog. Just know that it is clunky and awkward. Read it out loud, you'll get what I'm saying.

A lot of telling when you need to be showing. You're writing a screenplay, not a novel.

Best advice I can give you is to keep writing. And read a bunch of scripts. Learn how to properly write action lines.

Sorry if this sounds overly negative. Honestly just trying to help you out.

Keep at it, Dude. You will only improve with more practice. :)

Thanks Zack. Really appreciate your input.

Quoted from Yuvraj Thanks Zack. Really appreciate your input.

You're very welcome. :)

Hope to see you around the boards more. Keep writing.

Hey Yuvraj,

So, interesting story here, I liked the twist, although I was expecting it pretty early on - I had just seen the same twist on an episode of the new Creepshow reboot on Shudder.

This is only 5 pages long, so I'll nitpick a little bit. First off, page one should begin on page one, not the title page. Zack already mentioned your first scene heading (it should be INT. then the main location followed by the actual location of the main location - INT. HOUSE - ROOM - NIGHT).

Your very first line, you use "WE SEE". Now, it's debatable, I really have no issue with the use of we see, personally, as long as I get a clear visual with the description. But, especially on a screenwriting website, I'm sure you may catch some shit for it from other writers, mainly. But the use of "WE SEE" is actually redundant since, just by writing any description, you're already implying that we're seeing something. So, the use of "WE SEE" is considered a waste of words on the page. And some may consider it lazy writing, though, again, I personally have no issue with it as long it's used sparingly. But yeah, probably avoid using it on the very first line, just to appease the nitpickers who regurgitate the so-called rules of screenwriting. It can easily be done for a simple shot like that in the opening.

I'm guessing English is a second language, so I won't eat your lunch too much about it. But the dialogue does sound like broken English a little bit, which would be fine if that's how your characters actually speak. But, on top of that, a lot of it is very on-the-nose and obvious. And there's a lot of unnatural sounding exposition here to reveal backstory when it really isn't necessary.

EXAMPLE:

KASTI
I can't contain myself. After we
had Tony, I was told I wouldn't be
likely be able to conceive again. I
lost hope Jeevan.

Her eyes well up.

KASTI(CONT'D)
But we tried and God blessed us
with such a cute thing.

Just sounds a bit unnatural, like you're force-feeding us information when it should be a little more seamless and natural.

Also, there aren't really any character descriptions or attributes. All you mention is age. So it was kinda hard picturing the characters.

Anyway, on the most part, the overall writing was decent enough, as was the story. Again, I've seen the twist before, so maybe that's why I was expecting it so early. I will say you did a decent job hiding the twist by having the husband play along.

-- Michael

Thank you Micheal. Really appreciate your feedback.