Hey Jason, welcome to the boards.
Your logline needs work. I did like the idea behind this, :) but...
Humor is such a personal thing, everyone's taste is different and often unique. What makes one man/woman laugh may leave another man/woman cold, and vice versa. Having said this, I'm pretty damn sure this wasn't in the least funny to me.
The first scene has lots of potential, it was very likely to hit my funny bone until you ruined it for me with this bit:
Code
SCRAWNY FELLOW
Oh (BEEP) that hurt! |
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First off, using "Bleep" and "Bleep" and "Bleep" in your dialogue was a bit odd for me because it’s almost like you’re trying to censor the dialogue. Sort of a turnoff, but that could just be me.
And secondly, it's OTN. Of course it's going to hurt.
I guess what I'm saying is... if this is supposed to be a comedy, where's the comedy? This company is trying to come up with new swear words, right? Get creative. Methinks you might be better served by just having him react instead.
The Woman grips the hammer and smashes his finger.
Scrawny Fellow's reaction - a goofy "OHHH."
But since he's a Guinea Pig... a suggestion to tweak his dialogue. What leaps out at me is...
SCRAWNY FELLOW
I swear to Doug this is the last snocksin year I do this!
Or maybe...
SCRAWNY FELLOW
You no-good son of Beelzebub.
Whatever. You get the drift.
The word "Gup." Nope. Didn't work for me. Yeah, I looked it up. It's sorta ho-hum.
Lastly, your humor seems forced- like you're trying to shoehorn it into each scene. I'd say try to give it a more organic flow- let it come out of character & plot. But that's just me. So take this only as one person's opinion and wait to see what the consensus is. Best of luck! :)-Andrea