I wrote this as a test for myself. Learning experience.
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Hmmm. OK, fair enough, but JMHO, posting fan-fiction is like masturbation. Yeah, it may make you feel good for a few moments, but after all's said and done, what have you got? :)
In all seriousness, aside from typos I'd say: I dig the dialogue. It has a nice flow, and it's not too on the nose. So props for that. But it should literally stab you in the heart that I had to reread the first coupla pages to figure out what the heck I'm suppose to be seeing.
That said, maybe tone it down a bit, and I'm the last person to say this. Methinks my problem with this, and it's not necessarily a problem, but a point of view, is that the writing is taking too much time on the page and what I mean by that is this could be muted just a dash while still keeping with the expression of the writer. In laywoman's term... this feels more like a writer trying to push the envelope and see what people think of it than a draft someone would hand to... say a producer. If that makes since.
Some other nitpicks that I won't get into. Oh, btw, cool title page.
Anyhoo- I stopped around page seven. There isn't any reason for me to critique this outside of your reasoning, because it's just that you really can't do anything with this. Good luck with it.-A