Chasing the Kitty by Tyriq Morris - Short, Comedy, Erotic - A porn director named Moonlah has difficulty filming his porno movie. 15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Quoted Text There is a man's voiceover.

Don't need that written as action since it is indicated in the dialogue.

Quoted Text SMASH CUT TO:

Not needed here, most likely. The CUT TO: tool and all its variations are supposed to be used very sparingly in situations when it's essential to moving the plot forward. The script would be fine without the instruction here.

Quoted Text INT. HOSPITAL-UNKNOWN TIME

It's either day or night. No mystery there.

Quoted Text Works as a real estate agent in LA

If this is essential to the plot AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, then you need something that will visually represent this. Business cards, name tag, manila folder filled with paper work?

I skimmed through the rest because I realized you are probably new to screenwriting?

Overall, if you wanted to make an obscene comedy about tits and ass, you got it my friend. Kudos to hitting the nail on the head content wise. It's not exactly my cup o' tea so it's hard for me to judge. It's like an even more obscene Wayans brother film. Is that your goal? My only advice really is I don't feel like there is a rhythm to this script. You just go along and make titty jokes whenever you feel like "throwing it in". ;)

Your technique needs work. That is completely normal for anyone who is new to screenwriting, including myself.

Pick up a copy of Screenplay by Syd Field and The Screenwriters Bible from your local library, and see where that brings you.

Pretty much agree with the above reviewer when it comes to the mechanics of the script, but I did like the dialog for the most part and the characters and their names. Dialog was risky and envelope-pushing which I enjoy. You weren't afraid to shy away from some words and phrases that are mostly taboo.

The ending was sudden and non-conclusive, but who am I to complain about that, haha. (Since I do it too). Get the basics down a little more, make the dialog flow a little more naturally without losing its edge and it'll be better.

Oh yeah, only character that didn't seem as believable was Chad (I believe his name was), the camera guy. His behavior seemed too over-the-top and not in a good way. Could be reworked. The title is really great too: stick with "Chasing the Kitty" and not Da Kitty Kats, IMO.