Hey Peter, I assume English is a second language, so I won't be too hard on you. The writing definitely needs a lot of work, specifically with some of the grammar. I suggest using "Grammarly" to help you out a little bit.
As for the story itself, not much really happens. What I got out of this is that Frank wants to chase his dream as a pianist. Though his sister, Susan, supports him, their parents do not (is Maria his mother? I might have missed something). By the end of the story, Frank puts a hold on his dream and decides to go back with his mother.
This story probably should be closer to 5 pages long. Because, the way you have it, it's pretty much just Frank avoiding his parents because they don't believe in him. And Frank talking to his sister about it. Nothing really unfolds. And due to the writing itself, it was kind of hard to follow what exactly was going on. So it pretty much comes down to one of the main elements of basic storytelling -- something interesting needs to happen. And I didn't really see that, here.
Below are some random notes I made while reading.
Quoted Text INT. STUDIO. EVENING
Close-up on piano, then hand on piano, music played. Now we
hear a woman singing.
As the camera pans to medium shot, we see the pianist. We
see a man playing piano. His name is Frank and he is in his
mid 20s. Short and slim. He is well dressed and clean.
Things are glowing.
Now the camera turns to the woman. Her name is Maria and she
is in her early 20s. We never see her face. She is wearing
a red dress and under the spot light she is glowing. She is
wearing a diamond necklace that shines. Close up on her
necklace. The glow overwhelmed the screen. Fade into white. |
I don't mind camera directions here and there, but this way too much. Reads way too cluttered, distracts the read. Whether you're filming this or not, this isn't what a shooting script looks like.
INT. STUDIO - EVENING
FINGERS OVER A PIANO - Tickling the keys as a WOMAN sings...
THE PIANIST - in his mid 20's, FRANK, short, slim, clean-cut and dressed sharply, plays beneath a bright spotlight. Something like that. Doesn't have to be exactly like that, but try to cut down a little bit.
Quoted Text INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT
The next day, Frank is sitting down drinking coffee. Camera
stays wide. He had stayed up all night. He is still n his
pajamas.
Door opens. A woman, Susan, approaches. She is in her mid
30s and she is Frank's sister, tall and strong.
SUSAN
Wow, You`re up early... |
I don't mind camera directions too much as long as they're not a distraction to the read. It's getting to be a distraction, and the script just started. I personally think there are more creative ways to manipulate the audience into seeing certain shots without mentioning camera directions. But, if you do use camera directions, maybe something less wordy, without using, "the camera does this".
WIDE SHOT - In deep concentration, Frank sips coffee in his seat. He looks like he hasn't slept.Or something like that.
Also, your scene heading says NIGHT but it says the next day. If it is early in the morning, just say, EARLY MORNING. Then in description, just mention "crack of dawn" or "still dark, sunlight just peeking out". Or something like that.
Also, "Frank is sitting down" should be, "Sitting at the table, Frank sips coffee". Or something to that effect.
You should CAP characters when introducing them. And the structure of this sentence needs to be cleaned up. After "Door opens"... we can safely assume SUSAN is a woman, no need to mention that. Just say "SUSAN, mid 30s, insert description". Now, I believe you should write what we see, so it would be impossible to know that Susan is his sister on screen, but I guess it's okay if you mention that she's his sister in description.
Quoted Text SUSAN
Well, I am sure you are going to
make something great. Still it has
been months, isn't it better if you
take a break and come back to it. |
The dialogue sounds a bit stilted. People tend to use contractions more when they speak -- "Well, I'm sure you're going to make something great. Still, it's been months..."
Quoted Text FRANK
(whispers)
I think we have very definition of
"worry".
SUSAN
What does that suppose to mean? |
"What does that supposed to mean" isn't correct, not even in dialogue. Should be -- "What's that supposed to mean?" Also, Frank's dialogue, you're missing a "the", I believe.
Frank leaves, about to close the door behind him.
Quoted Text SUSAN
O Frank, I will be back tomorrow.
You want anything? |
You should probably read your dialogue out loud. Should be, "Oh". Also, she makes it sound like she's running out to the store... but she says she'll be back tomorrow?
Quoted Text SUSAN (CONT'D)
Anyway, sorry I don't have a lot of
time today. You had anything to
eat?
FRANK
Quite a few! |
I'm assuming English is a 2nd language, so I'll you give a pass on some of the dialogue. It's just not grammatically correct to say, "Quite a few" when someone asks you if you've had anything to eat. Frank would just say, "Way too much". A "few" pertains to something like, "How many slices of pizza did you have?" -- "Quite a few".
Quoted Text Susan left. Frank quickly cleaned the piano, looked at it
one more time, and then left the room, shutting the light
behind him. |
Shouldn't use past tense in description.
Susan gone, Frank dusts off his piano. He gazes down at it longingly. Then turns, shuts the light off and leaves the room.Hope this doesn't discourage you. Just keep working on it. Hope some of what I had to say helps.
-- Michael