Quoted Text INT. MEGHA'S HOUSE - ATTIC - DAY The place is clean except for some boxes and old furniture. Sunlight makes its way through a small window. Six chairs, arranged in a perfect circle at the center. Five people occupy the chairs. They are: -MEGHA(50s), plump, grey hair. Notepad on her lap. -SIMI(30s), beautiful, black hair with strips of grey. -TONY(40s), muscular, tall, heavy beard. -DAANI(20s), scrawny, walker haircut. -ANITA(70s), nearly bald, specs. Sitting with their heads low. Posture of defeat. What about him? He ain't gonna come today? |
Quoted from spesh2k Hey Praveen, First up, you got my name wrong brother. I am Yuvraj. The script was a little hard to follow, partially because of some of the writing, though I've seen that you're improving bit by bit... keep up the good work! Sorry as the script was a little hard for you to follow. I'd just mention their names and descriptions as our focus gets to them -- to keep things moving along faster. This should move at the pace of a film and when you take the time and write 5 lines describing everyone at once, it stops the pace of the read. And it makes it more difficult for us to remember the characters. I have talked with some personages related with the introduction of the characters, the way I did them in this script. It was fine and the advantage with this way of introduction is that you are introduced with the characters/their descriptions beforehand and then you can read the story without been stopped by the character description (even if it is brief). But it is fine if you are not comfortable with it. Also, I think it'd sound more natural to have her say, "Praveen" from the start. I know you're trying to set up some mystery here, but it really serves no purpose. There already is mystery with Praveen not being there. I didn't write the name Praveen right away since I wanted to give the essence of familiarity among the characters. By the way the address-al of Megha was clear since there was only one empty chair. As for the story itself, the cutaway scenes to SIMI's story (with her son in foster care) and DHANI's story (being mugged while buying drugs) and ANITA (with her brother) seem a little pointless other than to tell us this is a drug support meeting. Their stories offer nothing to the bigger story. The twist at the end with Tony having killed Praveen would have a stronger payoff if, in each individual story, Praveen would have some involvement. I do like the idea of a drug dealer going to a support group to prey on recovering junkies in order to make money. But I think he should be in each of their stories, thus creating a stronger payoff at the end. The way you wanted the involvement of Praveen in each individual story has got a point but that is not how I conceived the story. The story isn't blatantly trying to address the murder of Praveen but rather the connection the characters share among themselves. The connection of sorrow and hopelessness. It gives them a reason to empathize at the end and to understand the turmoil. The visual of Tony ending it at the end of the meeting is jarring and effective, but it feels a little out of nowhere. What if he showed up to the meeting high? What if he did drugs to deal with the guilt of killing Praveen? I get that he's saying that what he did was a good thing and that he saved all the people at the meeting... but that maybe needs to be worked on a little bit, too. What if he thought he was doing a good thing but he still feels guilt for what he did? And he can't deal with the guilt, so he kills himself? Tony knows (even been sober) that by accidentally killing Praveen he may have done right but deep down it is the guilt of killing someone he knew and not rightfully so that makes him take the extreme step. Also, just to throw this in, how that situation with Praveen and Tony escalated doesn't make much sense. Praveen just, out of the blue, pulls out a gun and threatens Tony, but there is no build-up to that. Their conversation doesn't sound hostile at all. And why would Praveen pull a gun on him like that? It makes no sense. I suggest having Tony find about Praveen selling drugs to the group members -- maybe he even follows Praveen and we see him dealing drugs to Dhani, or something like that, to connect each vignette better. Threatening Praveen with violence, Praveen then feels threatened and draws a gun... they fight over the gun and Tony ends up killing him. Just something to think about, not saying it has to be exactly like that, but it's an alternative that makes more sense. The point of conversation between Praveen and Tony is not hostility but the feat of rage within Tony that makes him kill Praveen. It is the uncontrollable anger which gets triggered within Tony when Praveen unexpectedly hits him with the gun. If he had not done that, Praveen may have been alive. Anyway, I see that you wrote this quickly, so you have a decent jumping off point. I still do think the writing can be drastically improved... and the dialogue. I understand that English might be a 2nd language, but it's just hard to follow when they're not speaking to each other in English correctly, not even slang. It's just incorrect and makes it sound like typos in the dialogue or just overall unnatural. For the dialogs, I purposefully kept them stilted. It is kinda my personal choice that I prefer stilted dialogs since they give the hints of trouble going on the character's mind. It is not that English is my second language(which is not) but I like dialogs that way. Thank you for reading the script. You rock, Michael. |
Quoted Text I have talked with some personages related with the introduction of the characters, the way I did them in this script. It was fine and the advantage with this way of introduction is that you are introduced with the characters/their descriptions beforehand and then you can read the story without been stopped by the character description (even if it is brief). But it is fine if you are not comfortable with it. |
Quoted Text The way you wanted the involvement of Praveen in each individual story has got a point but that is not how I conceived the story. The story isn't blatantly trying to address the murder of Praveen but rather the connection the characters share among themselves. The connection of sorrow and hopelessness. It gives them a reason to empathize at the end and to understand the turmoil. |
Quoted Text The point of conversation between Praveen and Tony is not hostility but the feat of rage within Tony that makes him kill Praveen. It is the uncontrollable anger which gets triggered within Tony when Praveen unexpectedly hits him with the gun. If he had not done that, Praveen may have been alive. |
Quoted Text For the dialogs, I purposefully kept them stilted. It is kinda my personal choice that I prefer stilted dialogs since they give the hints of trouble going on the character's mind. It is not that English is my second language(which is not) but I like dialogs that way. |
Quoted from spesh2k If you thought that was aggressive, you need much thicker skin, especially in the film industry. Best of luck with the script. It has enough potential to make it worth rewriting. Most of writing IS rewriting. So, hopefully you give it the proper attention it needs. -- Michael |