Bad Influence by Kevin Review - Horror, Comedy - After a popular child influencer gets possessed by the devil, her family, who rely on her income, struggle to keep her brand alive. 87 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for getting this up so quickly, Don!

Having worked in children's entertainment advertising, this was a very therapeutic write for me. I had a lot of fun with this one, and I already miss it as a quarantine distraction.

If anyone would like to do a script swap (horror or comedy preferrably), let me know!

Hey Kev, I'll give this a look within the next few days or so.

Quoted from spesh2k Hey Kev, I'll give this a look within the next few days or so.

Much appreciated! I'll take a look at your newest draft of Honey Mustard as well!

Hey Kev, no need. Got a bigger rewrite coming up, probably post it by next week.

Kev - had a chance to check out the first 20 while waiting for dinner.

I never understand the need to put title cards in spec scripts.  I'd lose it.

Quoted Text BEVERLY (O.S.) It's Sophia!

I think that is the wrong format. I think it should be:

BEVERLY (V.O)
(filtered thru phone)
It's Sophia!

Quoted Text GRACE Jesus, mom. That's not true. And don't say A-F.

Should be: Mom

Okay - overall - first 20 very well written. Loved the dialogue and I laughed when I was supposed to.  Nice work!

Will try to get back for more here and there.

Hey Dave,

Thanks for checking out the first 20 pages! I really appreciate it. Noted on the title card. I did know that was kind of a spec script faux pas, but it was hard enough to resist not writing in what font I wanted as well. I'll cut it!

Quoted from eldave1 I think that is the wrong format. I think it should be: BEVERLY (V.O) (filtered thru phone) It's Sophia!

Ah good to know! Would I add that wrylie every time Beverly speaks in that conversation or just the once?

Quoted from eldave1 Okay - overall - first 20 very well written. Loved the dialogue and I laughed when I was supposed to.  Nice work!

Great to hear! It's always tricky with comedy to know what's going to land. I had a reading of this with some actor friends over Zoom the other night. I highly recommend trying it. It was incredibly helpful to hear it all out loud.

Thanks again! And let me know if you have anything you're working on you'd like me to check out.

Hey Kev, your script is up next! Giving it a read now, should be some notes up on here in a few hours or so.

-- Michael

First on the phone format:

The only thing that was technically wrong was the OS vs the VO - it needs to be VO.

I personally like the filtered thru phone at least once to let the reader know how they are hearing the conversation. It's not required - just my preference.

Okay - through page 40.

The pool in the bedroom seemed odd - I'd place the scene in the backyard - it would also give you some additional options on where the rats might have come from.

I thought the UPS driver killing the jogger and the guard dogs after that were over-kill. Just the driver dying from that bubble wrap under the brakes does the trick

Struck me as odd that Sophia hasn't mentioned her Dad at all thru the first 40. Does she hate him, miss him? Blame Mom? If you ain't going to use him - just kill him off - suicide or whatever.

The writing continues to be solid.

Keep in mind that I am not a fan of Horror and I don't write it very well, Anyway, after page 40, the biggest issue in the script for me is when horror meets WTF.

There are hundreds of mutilated dolls hanging from the ceiling and Grace and Bev are debating whether a little girl could do that???

There is black tar oozing from the little girl's mouth and horns are appearing on her forehead and she is not immediately taken to the Doctor??? etc.

So, I think you are using this as your parachute:

Quoted Text Horror, Comedy - After a popular child influencer gets possessed by the devil, her family, who rely on her income, struggle to keep her brand alive.

Because it is a Comedy Horror hybrid you want us to believe the inexplicable actions (or the absence of rational reaction by the characters) because it is comedy.  If you are going to go that route - I think Bev already needs to be sucked in at the time your story starts rather than discovering these weird events at the same time Grace does. My suggestion regarding the premise is to give this more of an Adams Family vibe (with Bev AND Sophie being the Adams Family part). i,e,

Rather than Bev begging Grace to come help - flip it - have Grace get laid off and begging Bev of a job that Bev relunctantly agrees to give her.

Have Bev already contaminated  - e,g, when the Tar comes out of Sophie's mouth - Have Grace scream in horror while Bev calmly dabs it away with a napkin - "Don;t worry, she does that sometimes - just indgestion.

Rather than a hundred dead hanging dolls - just one outside of the bedroom - Sophia screams in horror when she sees it - Bev should be non-plussed - i.e., yeah, she likes to play with the dolls at night.

Hope this make sense - but what I'm saying is that the comedy would work better if it is Grace alone slowly discovering how weird Sophie AND Beverly are acting rather than - Grace and Bev watching as Sophie devolves.

Not sure that is clear - but its the best way I can put it.

Hey Kev,

So, right off the bat, this was probably one of my favorite unproduced spec reads I've had in a long, long time. I thought the balance of horror and humor was pitch perfect. This felt like Netflix's "Little Evil" meets "Evil Dead" meets the "Child's Play" sequels. It's a GREAT satire on child celebrity AND Youtube celebrity and how the amount of subscribers and followers on Youtube and other social media gives these children and Youtubers so much power in the public eye while also compromising and often robbing them of their childhoods. Really, really great stuff. And using something so modern like Youtube as a platform to say this about child celebrity was brilliant and really should attract some producers. There's no reason this shouldn't be on Netflix. This is a great addition to the evil kid horror sub genre -- while you also play on other horror movie tropes -- evil dolls, possession, signing away your soul to the devil, etc.

Your characters were perfect for this IMO. Beverly, the beauty pageant mom, was hilarious and equally as hilarious was her daughter Grace, playing the straight man -- Grace is US, essentially, pointing out how ridiculous her mother is acting. And this would be a great platform for a child actor, as well. This was really clever, really fun stuff while delivering on the horror stuff a horror audience would expect. And, again, very clever use of Youtube celebrity as a backdrop -- effectively using trends, impressions, views and subscribers as the source of this power taking over Sophia's vessel. And, even better yet, because her soul is still sold to the devil, there's sequel potential, here, too.

Wonderful work, not sure if I've read your previous stuff, but I really wasn't expecting this to be as good as it was.

NOTES:

OPENING SCENE: Right off the bat, with this opening scene, this little girl's awesome lol. And I don't quite hate her mom, but I'm right there with her daughter. Also, good work being current and having it be a Youtube channel.

PAGE 6:

Quoted Text GRACE How? I was out of the house most of her conscious life! I hardly even know her.

I think this can be written a little better as to not sound like forced exposition. Maybe space it out into two lines of dialogue. Maybe "How does she need me? She hardly even knows I exist!" And maybe her mom says something else and she replies, "I wasn't there". Or something much, much better than what I suggested.

PAGE 7: This phone call you should have BEVERLY (VO) if we can't see her on screen. You could also just say INTERCUT and keep it as is.

PAGE 13: Didn't notice this with any other scene headings, maybe they went over my head if you did but -- INT. - MANSION - FOYER -- should just be INT. MANSION - FOYER

PAGE 18: That was awesome lol.

PAGE 19:

Quoted Text BEVERLY I know. I'm sorry. I should have listened to you. I also should have told you that audition was for a children's hair mousse. It never took off anyways.

Wouldn't Beverly have rehearsed the audition with Grace?

PAGE 22-23: Haha, this is great stuff RE: Sophie play "drowning" a toy.

PAGE 24: RE the dead rats -- YES! This is great!

PAGE 27:

Quoted Text Sophia walks up the stairs backwards while still smiling at them both. She SLAMS her bedroom door shut. GRACE Uh -- Beverly starts taking down the dolls frantically. BEVERLY Hurry! Help me! Before the UPS guy gets here!

I love how Beverly looks past the creepy shit, so concerned about what the UPS guy thinks, editing the videos, etc. Really funny stuff. This almost feels like it's making fun of "evil kid" movies a little bit.

PAGE 37:

Quoted Text HISSS! Distracted, Beverly looks down as multiple garter snakes slither towards the house. This only re-instills Beverly's urgency.

I'm loving all the craziness, here.

PAGE 40:

Quoted Text Sophia dances around the room, entertaining herself, looking for attention. Typical kid shit. SOPHIA Can we play hide and seek? GRACE A thousand percent no.

I love all these characters, even the mom. But Grace cynical attitude is easy to identify with, and it's very welcomed in this horror, evil kid movie setting.

PAGE 42:

Quoted Text There is indeed a rack of clothing behind Grace. Beverly shrugs, busted. BEVERLY (excited) She just looks so fucking cute in houndstooth.

This reminds me of "American Psycho" a little, the superficiality of the characters, comically making that a priority over everything else.

PAGE 44:

Quoted Text BEVERLY (mid-sleep) Just boost the post ...

Haha!

Quoted Text Sophia's pupils shake as they slide into the back of her head. A sinister smile grows across her face to almost unnatural proportions.

Nice, some "Evil Dead" shit.

PAGE 55:

Quoted Text REPORTER (O.S.) The hottest new toys at the annual Toy Fair ended up being a little TOO hot for the West Shipley Convention Center as it erupted into flames earlier this afternoon turning play into... dismay. Over fourteen people died, making this the highest death toll in Toy Fair history in North America. We have one of the survivors here to discuss what she saw during this toytastrophe.

Excellent dark humor.

PAGE 58:

The humor in this is awesome, specifically with Beverly.

PAGE 65:

Constance and Lydia are hilarious. Nice take on the ghost hunter/demonic possession characters we see so much in horror movies (Insidious, Poltergeist, etc).

PAGE 68:

Quoted Text GRACE YOU LITERALLY SIGNED YOUR DAUGHTER'S SOUL OVER TO THE DEVIL.

Ah, man, this is pitch perfect!

PAGE 73:

Quoted Text GRACE (CONT'D) (moved) I saw in your email exchange. Your only contract requirement was that if anything happens to you, I'd have control.

This is really clever stuff. And it adds an emotional element, building the character relationship between mother and daughter.

PAGE 83:

Quoted Text Another page pops up: "Please answer one of the following security questions so we can verify your authority." She cringes again. She scrolls through the options: "What was the name of your 4th grade teacher?" She types in a wild guess. Wrong. 2 out of 3 attempts remaining. "Where's your favorite place to vacation?" Her fingers teeter on the keyboard keys. She types something in. Wrong. 1 out of 3 attempts remaining.

This is incredibly clever and funny -- relates to how much she knows her own sister and/or mother. Or maybe how much her mother knows her. Really, really impressive.

PAGE 87:

Quoted Text JANET (CONT'D) She's a little trend setter, isn't she? Beverly and Grace look to Sophia. She's somehow managed to get a few more kids to join her play session as well. Sophia looks over to them. She smiles. A moment too long. CUT TO: BLACK. A Kidz Bop version of "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC plays.

Great use of Kidz Bop covers of adult songs. This was awesome.

-- Michael

Hey Dave! Big thanks for reading more.

Quoted from eldave1 The pool in the bedroom seemed odd - I'd place the scene in the backyard - it would also give you some additional options on where the rats might have come from.

Valid point. I’m not sure I never considered just setting this in a backyard pool. It would be a nice change up from all of the interior scenes as well. Will make this change for the rewrite.

Quoted from eldave1 I thought the UPS driver killing the jogger and the guard dogs after that were over-kill. Just the driver dying from that bubble wrap under the brakes does the trick

I definitely went over the top with the kills here. The deaths that follow might not be your cup of tea haha, but I actually didn’t mean to insinuate that the jogger was killed. I’ll have to re-read that and be more careful with my descriptions. It was more that the jogger just screamed as a witness to the event.

Quoted from eldave1 Struck me as odd that Sophia hasn't mentioned her Dad at all thru the first 40. Does she hate him, miss him? Blame Mom? If you ain't going to use him - just kill him off - suicide or whatever.

I did leave this ambiguous, but it is something I should fill in. I have an idea of the family history in my head, but thanks for reminding me! I’ll make sure to clear this up in the script.

Quoted from eldave1 Because it is a Comedy Horror hybrid you want us to believe the inexplicable actions (or the absence of rational reaction by the characters) because it is comedy.  If you are going to go that route - I think Bev already needs to be sucked in at the time your story starts rather than discovering these weird events at the same time Grace does. My suggestion regarding the premise is to give this more of an Adams Family vibe (with Bev AND Sophie being the Adams Family part). i,e,

This is a great note, and an option I never really considered. Everything you said following too is something that will be very helpful for the next draft. Thanks for checking this out, it definitely gave me some things to consider. Much appreciated!

Quoted Text Quoted from eldave1 Because it is a Comedy Horror hybrid you want us to believe the inexplicable actions (or the absence of rational reaction by the characters) because it is comedy.  If you are going to go that route - I think Bev already needs to be sucked in at the time your story starts rather than discovering these weird events at the same time Grace does. My suggestion regarding the premise is to give this more of an Adams Family vibe (with Bev AND Sophie being the Adams Family part)

I think Bev already knows something is wrong with Sophie and has already experienced some strange shit, like Sophie's voice changing -- Grace just arrives as things are getting worse.

And I do disagree with the Adams Family vibe, I think it's the wrong way to go. I really think the humor and tone is pitch perfect as is -- it has somewhat of an "Evil Dead" kinda humor to it that works for this specific story and this specific sub genre of horror. You threaten to lose a certain demographic (the horror demographic) if you go the Adams Family route. And it's not like you're gaining a new demographic while compromising another demographic,  considering the violence that lies ahead.

I really think the tone is very consistent throughout, as is the humor balanced with the horror, Grace and Beverly playing off each other perfectly.

Just my two cents.

-- Michael

Hey Michael,

I really appreciate you giving this a read and for your kind words! I’m thrilled that you dug this, and those comparisons are exactly the vibe I was going for. Having worked with parents of child influencers at my past job, I found the whole thing to be super creepy so this was a ton of fun to write in that regard. I never saw myself writing an evil kid movie, but once I conjured up the idea, I couldn’t stop finding more fun ways to jab at it.

I absolutely love the horror comedy genre because it really gives you free rein on going full throttle weird. I’m happy to hear the combo of genres worked for you as I didn’t want it to fall into pure parody.

All of your notes are really helpful! I’m also grateful you pointed out things you enjoyed. I haven’t finished a feature in a bit so I’m trying to let this one breathe for a bit before I start re-writing, but I’m excited to get back at it.

Thanks again! Make sure to let me know when you have something you want me to take a look at, I really enjoyed Honey Mustard!

No problem, man. Again, very impressive work, probably one of my two favorite specs I've read since the quarantine (the other was a friend of mine, the writer of "Rose in the Darkness" that got some attention 7 years back)... and I've read A LOT of specs in that time, probably close to 1 per day. The humor is razor sharp on spot on, IMO. It's evident you have a very good understanding of your specific genre.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k I think Bev already knows something is wrong with Sophie and has already experienced some strange shit, like Sophie's voice changing -- Grace just arrives as things are getting worse. And I do disagree with the Adams Family vibe, I think it's the wrong way to go. I really think the humor and tone is pitch perfect as is -- it has somewhat of an "Evil Dead" kinda humor to it that works for this specific story and this specific sub genre of horror. You threaten to lose a certain demographic (the horror demographic) if you go the Adams Family route. And it's not like you're gaining a new demographic while compromising another demographic,  considering the violence that lies ahead. I really think the tone is very consistent throughout, as is the humor balanced with the horror, Grace and Beverly playing off each other perfectly. Just my two cents. -- Michael

Yeah, really don't agree here at all.  

But that is the joy of having multiple eyes on something.  Hopefully, Kev will get some more reads here as it certainly as a script that is well worth looking at.

Yeah, it's definitely worth a look. I wouldn't be surprised if this got picked up soon by a company that specializes in horror. Out of all the scripts I've read in the past 2 months or so, this has the biggest marketing potential. And I think it's a million times better than that "Little Evil" movie on Netflix with Adam Scott. This really does have a Sam Raimi kinda vibe ala his "Evil Dead" movies and "Drag Me To Hell" in regards to its humor -- mixed in with a little "American Psycho" style humor. I even got a little bit of "Joshua" out of this, too... not the most well known movie and, though it was marketed as a serious evil kid flick, it had a shit ton of funny moments with Sam Rockwell... and had one of my favorite quotes from comedy legend Michael McKean -- "Don't you know? Never beat up your kid in public on the weekend!"

I dunno, personally, as a hardcore horror fan, the cheeky Adams Family style comedy would lose me and its intended demographic (horror fans, the "Shudder" crowd) immediately -- I actually think it would completely ruin this. But, that's just my two cents.

Regardless, I definitely recommend people read and check it out for themselves!

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k I dunno, personally, as a hardcore horror fan, the cheeky Adams Family style comedy would lose me and its intended demographic (horror fans, the "Shudder" crowd) immediately -- I actually think it would completely ruin this. But, that's just my two cents. Regardless, I definitely recommend people read and check it out for themselves! -- Michael

You're missing my point so I want to make sure that Kev isn't.  It's maybe my fault because of the word "vibe" I guess - but focus more on the preface to that statement.

First, I 100% wouldn't recommend a shift of tone to "cheeky". I think Kev nailed it. I'm not looking for the Munsters or the Adam's Family tone. I was looking for a general concept that they are all in on it and the outside world ain't. i.e, what was weird to outsiders did not at all seem weird to them - it was normal.

I continue to believe that Kev needs to address the WTFs????  

Like this:

Quoted Text BEVERLY Come here for a second. Sophia leans her head down. Beverly takes a closer look. Something protrudes from two parallel spots on Sophia's head. She moves some of the hair - budding HORNS! Suddenly, SMAAACK!!!! A crow comes crashing into the bay window behind Sophia and Beverly. Beverly SCREAMS.

So, Bev - got no issue with devil horn in her daughter's head - but a dead crow causes her to scream. I thought WTF???

Same issue when the tar is seeping out of Sophie's mouth - no Doc, no hospital - no problem and I thought - WTF???  

Now, if you don't think these are WTFs - okay dokay.  Nothing to solve.

If you do, I thought one way of solving that was to make Beverly already in on it. i.e., it shifts from two adults ignoring what are obvious problems with a little girl to one adult trying to convince the other adult that the problems with the little girl are no big deal.

Anyway - I have no issue obviously with you having a different take. Just wanted to be clear to Kev on what my take was. I thought he understood it - but perhaps not.

Quoted Text So, Bev - got no issue with devil horn in her daughter's head - but a dead crow causes her to scream. I thought WTF???

I dunno, I don't read it like that at all. To me, it sounds like Bev isn't sure exactly what she's looking at, still trying to figure it out (hence calling Grace over for confirmation) when -- SMACK! A crow hits the window and makes her scream.

Quoted Text If you do, I thought one way of solving that was to make Beverly already in on it. i.e., it shifts from two adults ignoring what are obvious problems with a little girl to one adult trying to convince the other adult that the problems with the little girl are no big deal.

I kinda sorta that's the dynamic of the Grace/Beverly relationship -- Grace is playing the straight man, completely freaked out by this, trying to convince Beverly something's terribly wrong with Sophie while Beverly is more concerned with taking care of finances and doing Youtube videos. Of course, she knows something's wrong, but she just doesn't really want to accept it. Beverly is already kinda turning the other way and playing it off like it's nothing to be concerned about -- the rats in the tub, the tar, the demonic voice, etc.

And it's not like Grace grew up behaving like she was possessed, so why would Beverly really, truly think that this is normal? Maybe that's why she called Grace to stay with her -- because she's a voice of reason while Beverly is kinda blinded due to other shit going on financially, and Sophie being her meal ticket, pretty much. She's just in denial. Yes, there's things here where you'd have to suspend disbelief, but you kinda have to do that with the whole story and the premise in general -- a whole minion of child Youtube subscribers showing up, also possessed, the small print in a contract stating that by signing it, they'd be selling off Sophie's soul, cutting off all social media accounts because the more views and subscribers she gets, the more powerful it makes this demonic power... I think all that other stuff (the rats, the tar, the dolls hanging, etc) fits perfectly with what this story is and its tone. This isn't exactly "The Exorcist".

Though, I do agree that, if we don't have a scene with Sophie taken to the hospital and getting a clean bill of health, Beverly should at least tell Grace that she took her to the hospital, or even maybe took her to therapy sessions and everything seemed to be fine. Or maybe after the black tar, they take her to the doctor and they tell them nothing's wrong. Or something like that. Maybe a priest.

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k I dunno, I don't read it like that at all. To me, it sounds like Bev isn't sure exactly what she's looking at, still trying to figure it out (hence calling Grace over for confirmation) when -- SMACK! A crow hits the window and makes her scream. I kinda sorta that's the dynamic of the Grace/Beverly relationship -- Grace is playing the straight man, completely freaked out by this, trying to convince Beverly something's terribly wrong with Sophie while Beverly is more concerned with taking care of finances and doing Youtube videos. Of course, she knows something's wrong, but she just doesn't really want to accept it. Beverly is already kinda turning the other way and playing it off like it's nothing to be concerned about -- the rats in the tub, the tar, the demonic voice, etc. And it's not like Grace grew up behaving like she was possessed, so why would Beverly really, truly think that this is normal? Maybe that's why she called Grace to stay with her -- because she's a voice of reason while Beverly is kinda blinded due to other shit going on financially, and Sophie being her meal ticket, pretty much. She's just in denial. Yes, there's things here where you'd have to suspend disbelief, but you kinda have to do that with the whole story and the premise in general -- a whole minion of child Youtube subscribers showing up, also possessed, the small print in a contract stating that by signing it, they'd be selling off Sophie's soul, cutting off all social media accounts because the more views and subscribers she gets, the more powerful it makes this demonic power... I think all that other stuff (the rats, the tar, the dolls hanging, etc) fits perfectly with what this story is and its tone. This isn't exactly "The Exorcist". Though, I do agree that, if we don't have a scene with Sophie taken to the hospital and getting a clean bill of health, Beverly should at least tell Grace that she took her to the hospital, or even maybe took her to therapy sessions and everything seemed to be fine. Or maybe after the black tar, they take her to the doctor and they tell them nothing's wrong. Or something like that. Maybe a priest. -- Michael

Okay - at least it is clear we disagree (I thought you just misunderstood me). All cool.

Congrats Kevin for this script winning week 2 of the Amateur Showdown on Scriptshadow! And best of luck in winning the overall Amateur showdown and making it to the semi-finals! This still stands as my favorite unproduced spec of 2020, bro, great work!

-- Michael

Quoted from spesh2k Congrats Kevin for this script winning week 2 of the Amateur Showdown on Scriptshadow! And best of luck in winning the overall Amateur showdown and making it to the semi-finals! This still stands as my favorite unproduced spec of 2020, bro, great work! -- Michael

Atta go Kev - best of luck moving forward!

Quoted from spesh2k Congrats Kevin for this script winning week 2 of the Amateur Showdown on Scriptshadow! And best of luck in winning the overall Amateur showdown and making it to the semi-finals! This still stands as my favorite unproduced spec of 2020, bro, great work! -- Michael

Quoted from eldave1 Atta go Kev - best of luck moving forward!

Thanks a ton guys! Both of your notes were incredibly helpful to help tune this up, and I received a lot of useful stuff from the showdown comment section. Looking forward to see how this competition unfolds!

Quoted from kev Thanks a ton guys! Both of your notes were incredibly helpful to help tune this up, and I received a lot of useful stuff from the showdown comment section. Looking forward to see how this competition unfolds!

My pleasure

I think I am up next week.

Quoted from eldave1 My pleasure I think I am up next week.

Awesome! Got 3 SS'ers in this! I'll keep a lookout for it, Dave.