Night Steak by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - An old man in order to fill the stomach of a little girl acknowledges the true evil in the dead of a night. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thank you again Don for posting a revised draft. Made a few changes and cleaned it up.

I wrote this one based on my vague memory (of childhood) of seeing poor little kids walking from block to block in search of food. I just thought 'what if' it ain't that simple, 'what if' there is an ineffable price to pay.

Hope you guys like it.

Not my cup of tea genre-wise, but gave it a look.

Whenever I am using generics for character names - I treat them like I would proper names.

e.g., this:

Quoted Text INT. RUNDOWN HOUSE - NIGHT The rough man opens the door, shoves the old man inside

I would change to The Rough Man opens the door, shoves the Old Man,,,

You could use a little more description on the house,

Quoted Text It is lit bright.

A bit clumsily - just -  Brightly lit

Quoted Text Four people working with their cimeters on big chunks of meat. Cutting and chopping.

You need to all cap PEOPLE here. Personally, I'd go with BUTCHERS - regardless - they are characters and need to be capped when intro'd.

Quoted Text One of the four men answers.

You don't need this - we know they answer when they answer.

Quoted Text OLD MAN 175.

Should be written out. - One seventy-five

Nice effort overall - I think you are making strides in your work.

Thank you very much Dave. It is really nice to hear from you.

I will make the required changes.

Thank you once again for the read and review.

Quoted from Yuvraj Thank you very much Dave. It is really nice to hear from you. I will make the required changes. Thank you once again for the read and review.

My pleasure

Made the required changes as directed by Dave.

Thank you once again for the suggestions Dave.

Quoted from Yuvraj Made the required as directed by Dave. Thank you once for the suggestions Dave.

My pleasure.

It is creepy, I will say that.  I'm wondering if it couldn't have been done with no words at all.  Just actions.  It evokes the feeling of an old silent film.

The sad thing is, he sacrificed himself for her to eat, and she will most likely be killed by those dogs a few minutes later.

Two things on the quoted text below: 'loaves of stale breads', should be 'slices of stale bread' (no 's') and 'devours on it' should either be 'She chews on it.', or 'She devours it.', if it was finished right then.

Quoted Text loaves of stale breads. She devours on it.

Hello, Steven(or Mr.CERN, lol),

Thank you for reading and reviewing.

Quoted from steven8 It is creepy, I will say that.  I'm wondering if it couldn't have been done with no words at all.  Just actions.  It evokes the feeling of an old silent film.

It is nice that you find it creepy. I like the idea of an old silent film.  

Quoted from steven8 The sad thing is, he sacrificed himself for her to eat, and she will most likely be killed by those dogs a few minutes later.

You got the story spot on.

Quoted from steven8 Two things on the quoted text below: 'loaves of stale breads', should be 'slices of stale bread' (no 's') and 'devours on it' should either be 'She chews on it.', or 'She devours it.', if it was finished right then.

Thank you for pointing out the 'breads' mistake. I think it should be 'devours on it' since she is hungrily eating and not yet finished, if you read again then you will see that I have written MUNCHING ON HER TIDBIT on the last page. She is still eating.

Thank you once again.  

Hey Yurvaj,

Have seen you around a lot doing reads so I thought I'd check this out.

Agree with Steven8, it's very creepy and evokes a certain mood.

For me though, this lacks context. In the slugs we are given, STREET, RUNDOWN HOUSE and ROOM. I have no idea where we are - what country, city, etc. And I have no idea what is driving this extreme poverty. Is it a post-apocalyptic world? Is it a village ravaged by extreme poverty? Or both? And why specifically is meat scarce?

And while I get that the man sacrifices himself for the girl... to what end? Are they feeding people human flesh? Does he serve another purpose for the butchers?

You have time, in 3 pages, to set this up a a bit more. You can start with the man finding the girl. Give a sense of who she is, who he is, and why he wants to help her.

As for some of the grammar issues mentioned above - your command of the language is good, as you use lofty words in many cases, however it's an issue of syntax. "Devours" is the right word since it's a synonym for "attacks", however it should be written as "devours it", not "devours ON it."

Other instances like "two slices of stale breadS" - it should be "bread" since you've already deemed it plural (two). And "weighs on the uninjured foot" s/b "weight", as in, her weight is shifted.

And if you'll allow me to comment on your action lines - not that you need to save space in a 3 page short, however your opening line could be re-written into two instead of three lines by saying "who is in similar condition" and omitting "as that of the old man." Remember, the audience will see them both tattered on film, and you want to give us just enough to put the image in our head without using extra words.

And think of action blocks as separate shots in the same scene. Each time you want to convey to the director or the audience a different camera angle, hit return and type a new sequence. That tells me that something changed - a new point of view, or a few seconds have passed, etc.

Thanks for sharing, this is definitely a good start on something that I think can be expanded, and can have a great impact on the screen.

Good luck with this -

AJR

Thanks AJR.

Thanks a lot for taking time and reading my tiny script. Points noted.

Hi Yurvas.

Nice interesting read.

Just wondering....
- Why leave the child outside with the approaching HOWLS? Let her just stand at the inner doorway. After all the old man does to feed (save) her, just for the Howls to have taken her outside the door.
- After giving her the food, Why send her off to a certain death by the HOWLS that are closing in?  

Did I get the story right it that;
ROUGH MAN
How much more we need?
MAN #1
Still need around twenty-four pounds for the lot.

..In that this is the amount of meat they need to give, feed / pacify the "HOWLING beast" ?

Hi, Barry,

First up, you spelled my name wrong brother.

I wrote this one based on my vague memory (of childhood) of seeing poor little kids walking from block to block in search of food. I just thought 'what if' it ain't that simple, 'what if' there is an ineffable price to pay.

Quoted Text Did I get the story right it that; ROUGH MAN How much more we need? MAN #1 Still need around twenty-four pounds for the lot. ..In that this is the amount of meat they need to give, feed / pacify the "HOWLING beast" ?

You got it correct except the howling. It ain't no beast. They are dogs. Hungry fucking dogs.

Quoted Text Why leave the child outside with the approaching HOWLS? Let her just stand at the inner doorway. After all the old man does to feed (save) her, just for the Howls to have taken her outside the door. - After giving her the food, Why send her off to a certain death by the HOWLS that are closing in?

You surely think too much. Lol.

We normally see the world at the surface level but deep down no one really cares for who you're.  Even if you are 10 year old girl. No one cares.

That's what this story represents i.e. the recurring pattern of mankind, but in the shadows.

I think that'll suffice you.

BTW, thanks for reading and commenting. Really appreciate it.

YUVRAJ - Sorry I got it wrong.

Thanks for clarifying.. Makes for a better understanding of your story. Also, in that you mention; based on a vague memory of your childhood --What country you from? We had the same bad shit in my country I live in, South Africa. SAD!

I'll echo what the seniors are saying - Your writing has become noticeably improved.

I look forward to your next script.  

Hey Yuvraj,

You're writing has gotten considerably better in a short amount of time, so kudos. Still a little rough around the edges in regards to economizing your words in description and sentence structure (affecting flow of the read), but it's still an easy read.

The tone was pretty creepy and the premise is very interesting, though I'd like more clarity as to where we are, exactly. I know it's a rundown house, but is this set in a dystopian future? Or are we in a third world country? Or is this a period piece (which is what I kinda imagined in my head).

I think atmosphere and setting can be strengthened juuuust a tad. Just to add a hint of context -- not saying you need dialogue to provide us with explanation necessarily, but just by better describing the surroundings and giving us a better idea of what we're picturing (maybe some rooms are candle lit or the building is an abandoned inner city crackhouse or something).

Anyway, nice work here. No happy endings here -- it's implied that the dogs will at least confront the little girl, most likely devouring her, which sucks after that old man sacrificed himself just to feed her for a day. They should've at least given her more food to make the trade more even lol. At least when the dogs attack her, she could use some of the food to get them away from her -- which would suck, too. Starve or get torn apart by dogs?

-- Michael

Quoted Text You're writing has gotten considerably better in a short amount of time, so kudos. Still a little rough around the edges in regards to economizing your words in description and sentence structure (affecting flow of the read), but it's still an easy read.

Thanks brother. Still working the way to eradicate the roughness.

Quoted Text The tone was pretty creepy and the premise is very interesting, though I'd like more clarity as to where we are, exactly. I know it's a rundown house, but is this set in a dystopian future? Or are we in a third world country? Or is this a period piece (which is what I kinda imagined in my head).

No such thing. Don't need to go that far. It's just the normal modern world we live in. A normal world with normal weather and normal people. Just the times are dark, very dark. That's all.

Quoted Text Anyway, nice work here. No happy endings here -- it's implied that the dogs will at least confront the little girl, most likely devouring her, which sucks after that old man sacrificed himself just to feed her for a day. They should've at least given her more food to make the trade more even lol. At least when the dogs attack her, she could use some of the food to get them away from her -- which would suck, too. Starve or get torn apart by dogs?

Yep, it has a sad ending. 'All happy, no problem' is not my thing.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Wow, what a script!

It definitely evokes a certain mood and unsettling atmosphere. It's not exactly clear what is going on story wise but I absolutely love the uneasy and disturbing visuals.

I mean this in the absolutely nicest way possible, it's a novelty piece. Although the story may be personal to your mind, an audience and reader definitely takes away from this a horrific nightmare. It's like a fevered dream of visuals, which I adore.

Well done. It you intend to make it, just remember to hire a damn good cinematographer and get excellent locations.  

Quoted from outrunkid Wow, what a script! It definitely evokes a certain mood and unsettling atmosphere. It's not exactly clear what is going on story-wise but I absolutely love the uneasy and disturbing visuals.

Thank you, Tony.

Quoted from outrunkid I mean this in the absolute nicest way possible, it's a novelty piece. Although the story may be personal to your mind, an audience and reader definitely takes away from this a horrific nightmare. It's like a fevered dream of visuals, which I adore.

Glad that you liked it. I always prefer a short( very short in that case) and sweet script so that might be the reason that the story is not that clear.    

Quoted from outrunkid Well done. If you intend to make it, just remember to hire a damn good cinematographer and get excellent locations.

Thanks for the advice, mate.

Really appreciate your taking the time to read and comment.

Thank you once again.

Hey Yuvraj, sorry for the delay on my review.

Alright, I had to re-read this a few times. And, honestly, I still don't get it.

An old man takes a young girl to a rundown house, where the old man (willingly?) sacrifices his life so that the girl can then eat him? Is that what's happening here? It's not very clear, and the old man's actions contradict themselves. He seems to know what happens at this house... Yet he doesn't seem like he's being forced to go to this house. Then when he gets there, he's dragged away, as if he doesn't want to be there.

The writing itself isn't bad. A few awkward descriptions and phrases, but I'll just chalk that up to English not being your first language. For the most part, I believe I saw what you wanted me to see... Unfortunately what I was seeing didn't really make a whole lot of sense to me, story-wise.

And what's with the dogs? Are you implying that these stray dogs might go after the little girl?

I don't know, Dude. This just didn't do it for me.

Sorry to sound so negative. You clearly know how to write a screenplay. And you seem to have a passion for the horror genre, so that earns ya' some brownie points with me. :) Do you have anything else you'd like me to check out for ya?

Hey Yuvraj,

Thanks for reading my short - returning the favour (and thanks for reading and posting on lots of people's scripts, too).

I won't touch on some of the sentence structure stuff because everyone else has, but I think while you get more confident with language it might be good if you stuck to the simplest adjectives and shorter setences as much as possible (helps with tension, too).

This is really creepy an atmospheric but I think setting the scene a little would work heaps. What kind of EXT. STREET is it? Is it dark? Are there other houses on the street and what do they look like? I imagine a sort of gothic setting but you might not have intended that.

Other things - it's sometimes super unclear what you want on screen. Blood trickles down the girl's foot - where is the blood coming from? Where is her injury? I'm aware now that in the first scene she steps on a rock, but it's easy to miss and the choice of words make it confusing (as an example).

Anyway, I certainly didn't dislike this and it was easy to read. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, Zack for reading and commenting.

Quoted from Zack Alright, I had to re-read this a few times. And, honestly, I still don't get it.

From reading your scripts, I get to see that in the horror genre, your favorite sub-genre tends to be gore and monsters/demons. That may be the reason you couldn't grasp the story. I don't usually go for straight-up gore but instead like to dwell on the real-life fears that loom around us. The fear of been starved, killed, kept alone, or as a matter of butchered. The fact that anyone can take advantage of your innocence(I mean severely). Anticipating the return of your loved ones and only to find out that it's never going to happen. That's what keeps me intrigued and I try to incorporate them in my stories.      

Quoted from Zack An old man takes a young girl to a rundown house, where the old man (willingly?) sacrifices his life so that the girl can then eat him? Is that what's happening here? It's not very clear, and the old man's actions contradict themselves. He seems to know what happens at this house... Yet he doesn't seem like he's being forced to go to this house. Then when he gets there, he's dragged away, as if he doesn't want to be there.

Everything makes sense. The Old Man is portrayed as a symbol of defeat. A man who has nothing to lose but wants to do something. Something so that, at least his death serves a meaningful purpose. A purpose he achieves by sacrificing himself so that the Little Girl can eat(maybe after many days). An advantage that the Rough Man seeks so that he can compensate for the lack of meat he wants for his lot. And ultimately the Rough Man feeds the little girl for her right timing to come at his doorsteps. But remember, it is coz of her(indirectly) that the Old Man died. So her faith is left upon the dogs.

As for contradicting the Old Man's actions. Come on man. He knows he gonna die. He is nervous. Scared. Even if you volunteered for your death for a good cause(which is likely the case), you will be somewhat scared. Hell, you gonna be dreaded. It is understandable.    

Quoted from Zack And what's with the dogs? Are you implying that these stray dogs might go after the little girl?

It is coz of her(indirectly) that the Old Man died. So her faith is left upon the dogs.

Quoted from Zack I don't know, Dude. This just didn't do it for me.

No problem, Zack.

Quoted from Zack Sorry to sound so negative. You clearly know how to write a screenplay. And you seem to have a passion for the horror genre, so that earns ya' some brownie points with me. :) Do you have anything else you'd like me to check out for ya?

Again, no problem. You can check The Box(linked below). Maybe you'll like this one. Maybe. ::)

Thanks again.

Quoted from AlsoBen Hey Yuvraj, Thanks for reading my short - returning the favour (and thanks for reading and posting on lots of people's scripts, too). I won't touch on some of the sentence structure stuff because everyone else has, but I think while you get more confident with language it might be good if you stuck to the simplest adjectives and shorter setences as much as possible (helps with tension, too). This is really creepy an atmospheric but I think setting the scene a little would work heaps. What kind of EXT. STREET is it? Is it dark? Are there other houses on the street and what do they look like? I imagine a sort of gothic setting but you might not have intended that. Other things - it's sometimes super unclear what you want on screen. Blood trickles down the girl's foot - where is the blood coming from? Where is her injury? I'm aware now that in the first scene she steps on a rock, but it's easy to miss and the choice of words make it confusing (as an example). Anyway, I certainly didn't dislike this and it was easy to read. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you, Ben. I really appreciate your feedback. If you want, you can look at my reply above(for Zack). Maybe it will clear up some things for you.  

Sorry, Dude. But the reason I couldn't grasp this story has nothing to do with my personal taste in horror. You're story just isn't very logical and doesn't make a lick of sense to me.

Why does the old man need to sacrifice himself? To feed the little girl? Why not just kill and eat the dogs???  ::) ::) ::)

Just read through the comments and I see that I'm not the only one who's having trouble understanding what is supposed to be happening. Maybe your story isn't as clear on the page as it is in your head?

I don't know, Dude. These are just my honest thoughts. Good luck with this.

Quoted from Zack Sorry, Dude. But the reason I couldn't grasp this story has nothing to do with my taste in horror. You're story just isn't very logical and doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Why does the old man need to sacrifice himself? To feed the little girl? Why not just kill and eat the dogs???  ::) ::) ::) Just read through the comments and I see that I'm not the only one who's having trouble understanding what is supposed to be happening. Maybe your story isn't as clear on the page as it is in your head? I don't know, Dude. These are just my honest thoughts. Good luck with this.

No problem, Zack. I understand.

But I strongly believe that the story's not illogical. It's just that you aren't able to grasp the emotions in it. And yes, sometimes it has to do with one's personal taste in the genres( believe it or not). Anyways, everyone has their personal opinion. This is just one of them.