Quoted from LC Hi Jefferson, this one caught my eye, there�s a nice fast and flashy vibe to it. |
Quoted Text A few observations, and I'll preface by saying the good outweighs the bad. That rap song � copyright? I listened to a lil bit but I guessed the intention - loud, dominating audio overlay, no dialogue. |
Quoted Text Interesting hybrid of the woman v us (the audience) in your writing choices. 'We this and that' etc. We can't quite make out the three GUYS inside, but they're yelling at us - it breaks through etc. You write: (it?) |
Quoted Text ...the MUSIC, and the WOMAN takes out her earbud and looks back briefly at the MEN. Then back to the road, walking ahead They pull up directly beside her, slowing to a crawl (missing a period) She doesn't say anything, but they do (what do they say?) thr street (the) typo |
Quoted Text HEADLIGHTS casting her in stark SILHOUETTE (reads well, but is that what the high beam of headlights front-on would do?) |
Quoted Text .a HAND grabs her BACKPACK from the backseat window (so it is a backpack and not a packback, as written at the top of p.1?) |
Quoted Text The WOMAN SLIPS out of it like a cat, JUST AS: A PILLAR (again with the 'It' - slips out of his grasp � you omit the object of the phrase a lot)comes between them (was that a brief smile?)! Well, I don't know, was it? |
Quoted Text I love the first part of that sentence but I'd personally write a brief struggle/better yet, scuffle... And, why is a PILLAR capped? |
Quoted Text You'll likely raise some eyebrows with your aside - (was that a brief smile?)! Are we to see onscreen there that she does crack a smile, cause I'd just write that in. |
Quoted Text as the WOMAN SCRAMBLES, nearly DIVING behind the DUMPSTER Capping locations that way? Unconventional to say the least. My main criticism however would be the adverb: nearly. Again, what are we seeing? Diving behind the dumpster is more powerful without the qualifier. |
Quoted Text The TRUCK GUNS IT. But she doesn't move - it's coming straight for her - and US! CLOSER. . .CLOSER - -! ^ Some weird punctuation going on there. .to the LARGE ROCK she's holding. That'd be 'a large rock... � in the first instance. |
Quoted Text Leone style - we PAN DOWN I'm going to assume with all these camera directions you�re filming this yourself? |
Quoted Text by the chainlink fence (have we seen it before?) If not it's be 'by a chain link fence' sloppily HITTING IT (slamming into it, perhaps?) REBOUNDING OFF Rebounding does the job, no need technically for 'off' Or. Bottom page 2. ??? Are you actually giving us a choice here of which action/descriptive passage might work better? Not seen that before, except in Run Lola Run, but then that's a deliberate split narrative. |
Quoted Text she SETS on HIM! After a moment, he's done too. (bit too telling, and a trifle lazy that, but I'll go with it). |
Quoted Text weird lamplight (is the lamplight weird? Or, the look of her face under it, weird?) |
Quoted Text As she walks off, the Driver's TWITCHING HAND in the immediate FOREGROUND, retrieves her backpack and rounds the corner - (CREDITS OVER). So, she retrieves the backpack? As written that line's ambiguous. |
Quoted Text Seems like I'm picking this apart but quite apart from my quibbles this is a terrific three pager, and your style definitely caught my eye. A very straight forward narrative with not too much in the way of surprises other than 'girl-power� which is substantive enough in this #metoo era. Nice work. I hope we see more of you. |
Quoted Text P.S. Meant to say re your logline - the word: hijinx implies lightweight fun and games to me and the tone of this is more life or death. |
Quoted Text P.P.S. Van v truck? You really want to list it as a heavy-duty truck? Btw, love the title. |