You Have 1 New Alert - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, May 3rd, 2020, 5:33pm

You Have 1 New Alert by Anthony Cawood - Short, Sci Fi - A time-traveller starts the journey that could rescue the future, but first he needs to see someone special. 1 page - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: LC, May 3rd, 2020, 7:11pm; Reply: 1

Hey, Anthony...

Is this a new draft? Seems familiar to me, hmm, maybe I'm just Iso-loco.

Very nice. That you got this much story in one page is commendable. Brings up an interesting thought imho though, and that is - was this one pager for a contest? If not, I'd go more in detail on this visual -

INSERT: Mobile Screen - Video shows the train station,
bereft of life, derelict. The view pans to reveal more...

Feel I was a bit cheated there, and you could argue it's up to a Director to create the vision of how much 'more' is depicted.

Echoes of Source Code, but obviously an end of world scenario/aftermath of pandemic perhaps? As opposed to a terrorist event.

I like it a lot.

P.S. Typo it's, should be 'its'.

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, May 3rd, 2020, 8:07pm; Reply: 2

Hey Libby thanks for taking another look, this has been re-uploaded by Don as i think it was omitted from the normal site at some point.

Always great to get extra feedback though, much appreciated!

Posted by: spesh2k, May 3rd, 2020, 8:38pm; Reply: 3

Hey Anthony,

That was pretty cool, you packed a shit load into 1 page. Now I wanna know more! Feels like a very strong cold open. Though, when you mention "futuristic clothes", my imagination took me to Jetson's territory or Back to the Future II lol. I'd maybe describe what he's wearing in slightly more detail... what do you mean by "futuristic"?

Anyway, solid 1 pager.

-- Michael

Posted by: ghost and_ghostie gal, May 3rd, 2020, 11:09pm; Reply: 4

Anthony. This Freakin’ sucks!!!

Jus' kidding... ;D

This is a very good read. To tell the truth, I really can't find anything constructive too add. So, I’ll pretty much cut and paste what Libby said.

Sorry for the lame-ass feedback. :(-Andrea

Posted by: BarryJohn, May 4th, 2020, 3:24am; Reply: 5

Hi Anthony

I read Terminator.

Nice read! I love these ones that mess with your brain!

[We've got eighteen years to stop 2036, and now there's three of us.]

- Why is year 2036 to be STOPPED? And not to be SAVED?
- The year now is 2020 add 18 years = year 2038?
- Ben goes back 18 years in time. Thus, in the future his 18 years old, making his "then" year 2038 but they to stop year 2036?
- Alice, Ben and Ben must stop year 2036.. Two same persons occupying the same time period. (I get that its a fantasy script) 18 Year old Ben can't exist till Alice gives birth to him?
- When "baby" Ben turns 18, other Ben will be 36 years old, unless he dies prior. Thus, its "baby" Ben at 18 years going back 18 years in time, leaving behind 36 year old Ben, should he be alive? One of the two Bens can't die till reaching the age of 18, as that is when he goes back in time.. And will again in 18 years  time.. and again..

Alice and Ben will never die for 18 years.. never die for 18 years..

* A real mind F*#K! Thanks again for a good read.

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, May 4th, 2020, 2:17pm; Reply: 6

Hey all, thanks for the additional reads, much appreciated.

This was written as part of an OWC I think, one page round, so some of the brevity is enforced ;-)

Michael - I decided to use futuristic so reader could decide AND for the brevity reason.

andrea - lol

Barry - I wrote this in 2018, so maths worked then ;-)

Thanks again!