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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts / The D'Angelo Way
Posted by: Don, May 7th, 2020, 1:18pm
The D'Angelo Way by James Austin McCormick - Short, Sci Fi - An unscrupulous journalist sets out to uncover the secret of a fitness guru’s eternal youth. It's not the healthiest decision he could have made. 20 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted by: steven8, May 11th, 2020, 12:17am; Reply: 1
Ha ha! I loved it. At first I thought it might be too wordy, but it came out just right. I really didn't see the android bit coming. I thought it would be some kind of black magic thing. Well played.
Mrs. D'Angelo needs to have her programmers put in a terse mode that she can switch to for after the show, to avoid that happening again!
Posted by: James A McCormick, May 14th, 2020, 5:43am; Reply: 2
Thanks Steven- I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for your feedback
Posted by: eldave1, May 14th, 2020, 4:28pm; Reply: 3
Pretty nice story - congrats.
Several areas need tidying.
LUCA D’ANGELO (69 but looks at least twenty years younger),
a tanned, muscular, perfect specimen of manhood in a garish
track suit, stands on stage.
Tracksuit is one word.
This:
Should be:
(CONT'D)
Quoted Text LUCA Always are my dear.
|
comma after are.LUCA
Quoted Text LUCA (Excitedly) You’re certain?
|
Wrong format. Should be:
LUCA
(Excitedly)
You’re certain?
Quoted Text CARTER Not true ma’am, I assure you
|
Need a period at the end.
Quoted Text CARTER (CON’T) It would be a great honor for me sir.
|
coma after me.
Quoted Text LUCA Two minutes Mr Carter. Ask your questions.
|
Quoted Text SARA I think you have enough Mr Carter. comma after minutes.
|
comma after enough.
Posted by: James A McCormick, May 19th, 2020, 11:53am; Reply: 4
Thanks so much for pointing these out.
Posted by: eldave1, May 19th, 2020, 3:02pm; Reply: 5
Thanks so much for pointing these out. |
My pleasure
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