Hello, SimplyScripts. Last August I jumped into this whole screenwriting thing as a hobby. This is the second script I have worked on. (Still haven't finished my first :P) I shared this opening with someone on Reddit and they said it read nicely. Not that I doubt them, but I wanted to see what some others think. Because I have no clue what I'm doing. Ha! Anyways, thank you for taking the time out of your day.  

It's a Gun (first few pages)
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Drama/Coming of Age
Feature
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An aimless, socially inept introvert longing for purpose decides to get a manji tattoo on his arm; creating a string of misunderstandings and bizarre events.
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https://drive.google.com/open?id=1JKmthrnVvd9IiO1hm6BtnzJzqZSY_r-l

Hey, Evan:

I thought this was well-written. Nice job. Pretty crisp and clean.

Preston's voice sounded too young for me - like a 12-year-old. I know you are portraying him as introverted - but to me, he came off more young than introverted.

Would have liked some grander motivation/catalyst for the tattoo.

Regardless - it has a good premise - best of luck with it

Thanks for the feedback, eldave1!

Quoted Text Preston's voice sounded too young for me.

I see that too, I mean, it's sorta what I was going for. Messy room looks like a kid lives in it. But I don't want to overdo it. Perhaps introverted isn't the best description, I mean he his is introverted, but also has several other issues. I'm not sure what to label them though. I feel I can show people better than explaining if that makes sense. Or, maybe I just haven't thought it all out yet, idk. I'm still green to this creative writing stuff and hevent figured out my process. Any process for that matter.

Quoted Text Motivation/catalyst

I probably should have left out the tattoo scene since the pages I provided skip over the catalyst. (Goes to the BBQ, feels like an idiot because the foreign girl can socialize with his neighbors better than himself, gets hammered, etc.) Without that it's really jarring, lol.

Quoted from thereal Thanks for the feedback, eldave1! I see that too, I mean, it's sorta what I was going for. Messy room looks like a kid lives in it. But I don't want to overdo it. Perhaps introverted isn't the best description, I mean he his is introverted, but also has several other issues. I'm not sure what to label them though. I feel I can show people better than explaining if that makes sense. Or, maybe I just haven't thought it all out yet, idk. I'm still green to this creative writing stuff and hevent figured out my process. Any process for that matter. I probably should have left out the tattoo scene since the pages I provided skip over the catalyst. (Goes to the BBQ, feels like an idiot because the foreign girl can socialize with his neighbors better than himself, gets hammered, etc.) Without that it's really jarring, lol.

My pleasure.  Best of luck with it