Hey, Steven,
When I read the logline I thought it was inspired by a creepypasta. An old (sorta) famous creepypasta, where an old lady lives under the staircase of a house and the family moved in, they don't realize her presence. But I was wrong, you took a different route.
The story is nice but I think if it were a bit longer it would have been much better( for me). The ending was unexpected as I thought it had to do something with Heath and Nikki's dead child but you pulled the strings in a different way. Although for me, the ending was kinda decent but was also kinda lame since nothing really happens. It's just that Nikki sees the child and Heath doesn't for no good reason. Maybe because the child needs a mother and thus only wants to be seen by the mother. Still, this doesn't suffice me. Also, the real tension begins right when Nikki sees the dead child. It raises anticipation as to what might happen next but sadly the story ends right there and thus leaving a feeling of unsatisfaction.
One more thing, why would she just keep hearing the sounds in the first place until Heath smashes the closet? It's not like she doesn't know how to use tools and break the closet herself. Maybe the story would have ended right then and there if were like this. You needed scene fillers to enlongate the script, I understand that.
Some things that I noticed:
Quoted Text INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE, FOYER - DAY
|
Not a real problem but I see a dash used throughout the slugline rather than a comma. Maybe how you wrote the slugline is right, it's a new way.
Quoted Text INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE, UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Nikki stands on the landing, hands gripped firmly on the bat. Cautiously, she tiptoes down the stairs, peering over the banister.
She reaches the bottom. Flicks on the lights.
Everything is in order. No signs of a break-in.
Nikki checks the front door. It�s still locked. She glances into the living room -- nothing in there either.
She turns. Starts for the kitchen. As she passes the closet --
THUD... THUD... THUD...
|
First you mentioned in the slugline that she's on the upstairs hallway and then goes downstairs. Going down where? She's neither in living room nor kitchen, she's where?
You need a slugline indicating her position.
Overall, nice story. But somewhat unfinished, might want to see the ending somewhat different.
Good luck.