Rusty by Richard Wright - Short, Horror - As a young couple deal with being locked down together, a revelation will change their relationship forever! 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

My God, this script is spluttered with mistakes.

1) Tons of typos. Even 'victim' is spelled wrong.

2) Poor grammar. Missing commas. Even some alphabets are capitalized in the same word.

3) Don't know what's going on with the dialogs. They are just bad.

4) Story's got a no real motive to it. I can even go on to say that there is no real story here, just conversation, that to pretty hilarious but in a bad way.

5) The big question, the genre. By no means I can say this that this is horror script. There's no genre for this one, it's just unique.

Maybe Wright, you are a new writer but surely not new to English. Lots of work to do.

And Sorry if this hurts but this is the truth.  

Good luck.

Hey Yuvraj, I see you giving a lot of feedback and that's great but try to balance the negatives with some positives, Try to be encouraging. That's what this site is all about.

Yep, there's rookie mistakes here and it does need a thorough going over for typos, punctuation etc.

But... Some of the dialogue imho is pretty funny. I actually found some very good wit and humour in the exchanges that made me smile. The story has a really good premise too - a serial killer going stir-crazy cause he's in lockdown.

...

Richard, I hope you'll join the discussion board. I'm happy to offer some tips, but not sure if you're on board yet?

Some links FYI:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/s-0/

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

P.S. Richard, it would have been a really funny visual if instead of this: -

She left
the house.

- You had Mark step to the window to see Lucy running down the street.

Oh, and if you want this to read horror/comedy I'd advise getting graphic with Lucy's premonition type dreams.

Lots of potential here.

I am not the type of person that reads a script and then beats the living death out of it.  I just tell it as I see it after I read it.  This is a grammar nightmare!  No joke!  From the opening page, I truly tried to like this, but I ended up being left with a blank stare and confusion.  This script made no sense to me.  

He's a serial killer and has it out for his girlfriend?  This character must not have any feeling at all when it comes to "killing" someone.  His biggest mistake was to get up and get his girlfriend a glass of water.  This gave her the chance to leave with nothing holding her back.

This script also ended, I believe.  There is no clear indication that the story is over.  You, as the writer, may want to let your reading audience know that they have come to the conclusion.  Nothing really shocking in the story that leaves you wanting more.  

This script truly did nothing for me.

Quoted from MikeCashman I am not the type of person that reads a script and then beats the living death out of it.  I just tell it as I see it after I read it.  This is a grammar nightmare!  No joke!  From the opening page, I truly tried to like this, but I ended up being left with a blank stare and confusion.  This script made no sense to me.   He's a serial killer and has it out for his girlfriend?  This character must not have any feeling at all when it comes to "killing" someone.  His biggest mistake was to get up and get his girlfriend a glass of water.  This gave her the chance to leave with nothing holding her back. This script also ended, I believe.  There is no clear indication that the story is over.  You, as the writer, may want to let your reading audience know that they have come to the conclusion.  Nothing really shocking in the story that leaves you wanting more.   This script truly did nothing for me.

That's what I meant.

Maybe I was too harsh? I don't know.

It's gallows absurdist humour, guys. It's not going to be everyone's bag.
The character is a serial killer in lockdown.

That's fine if it's not your cup of tea.
All I'm suggesting is we try to encourage people to the site not scare them away with only negative comments.

No point in just feeling virtuous cause we can spot mistakes.

Quoted from LC It's gallows absurdist humour, guys. It's not going to be everyone's bag. The character is a serial killer in lockdown. That's fine if it's not your cup of tea. All I'm suggesting is we try to encourage people to the site not scare them away with only negative comments. No point in just feeling virtuous cause we can spot mistakes.

I get your point.

Hi Richard.

All said and dusted above. A piece of writing advice here. For starters, pun intended. Opening your script, before reading it, I was met with two long paragraphs of action that at once discourage me from wanting to read the script. (I did read it though).

* Less is more * White is good * To black is a breath full.. Take the self-test and read your first paragraph in one breath. A read must be as smooth as your breathing that'll allow for digesting the story in small takes.. Allowing the reader to SEE your story.

The first few pagers of a script is your "calling card". It must invite the reader with talent and story to want him/her to turn the pagers.

Your next script you write.. Break down your action, paragraph it between a characters actions and or event. Also, adding dialog between goes along way in smoothing the read.

In time you'll learn to write (show) action in dialog .

Re- your grammar and format. Download one of many free online spell checker software. By the looks of things it seems you using a script program. It should have a spell/grammar check? If not, download a free script program called TRELBY (It's a very good one)

Hope this helped.

All the best on your next script that I look forward to reading. PS: FU*K IT UP and I'm coming for you! Just joking with you..  ;D