Real Dream by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Drama, Suspense - If a dream keeps telling you something over and over.. Best you listen! 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Don. Thank you for posting

Hi, Barry,

As you commented on my script, I'm reverting the favour.

The idea of your story is amazing. The idea of whether the dream that protagonist sees will turn true or not. And if it does how will the protagonist react to it. Will the end results be in his/her side? That's interesting to ponder and one can come up with pretty dreaded scenarios.

The commendable part of your story is that it takes the most intriguing plot i.e. hostage rescue plot( overdone before, I might add) and tries to gravitate the tension and the urgency of it. It somewhat succeeds to some degree.

The problem is that your action lines tend to be a bit confusing at times. I have to read them twice to clearly understand. Also you often overwrite a lot. By that I mean, you write four lines instead of trying and condensing them into one. You can sparse some details, no issue there.

There are a few typos also:

Quoted Text I can't take the shot at this angel through the glass. I have no shot, same bad angel.

It has to be ANGLE not ANGEL.

Quoted Text POLICE RADIO (O.S) Your presents will make them nerves..  A negotiator is 10 minutes out. NOW PULL BACK!

PRESENCE not PRESENTS. I think it has to be NERVOUS.

Quoted Text MIKE (Low voice) SARG.. What you doing? Don't God dammit, you mis and he'll blow them all up.

      

MISS not MIS. This appears more than once.

Quoted Text DELPORT Your dreams don't have a resoltive. No closure. As if it's trying to tell you what happens next.

I don't think RESOLTIVE is a word. It's RESOLUTION.

Quoted Text He stands and goes to his desk where we takes out a small medicine bottle from his draw.

It has to be HE no WE. DRAWER not DRAW.

Quoted Text DELPORT So.. Mike. All good since I last sore you.

SAW not SORE.

The ending of the story's a bit underwhelming since you went too fast with it. But nonetheless, a nice take on an interesting plot.

Hope you don't take my opinion the other way. It's just what I think.

Good luck.

Hi Yuvraj.

Thanks for the read. The typo's, yeah I noticed them after posting. Done this one in a hurry.

QUOTE:
Your action lines tend to be a bit confusing at times...
Overwrite a bit...

I agree. I found writing this story.. a story of this nature, to be very challenging. Writing a continual dream - throwing it around a lot, you gonna wanna make sure land where jumped from. --It kind of gave me bad dreams  :o  

Quoted from BarryJohn Hi Yuvraj. Thanks for the read. The typo's, yeah I noticed them after posting. Done this one in a hurry.

No problem.

And be patient and take your time. No hurries.

Hi All

In this script, I tried something different - That is not my writing style ~ Jumping between past and present of a dream and real world. As such, I'd really appreciate some constructive feed back.

Thanks all.