Decided... by Tony Moore - Short, Drama - You can't change what's decided. For Man, his decision to kill himself is set. But what will be the last thing he does before he dies? What would you do? 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Tony,

Are you a professional director or a professional editor or something of that sort in the filmmaking line?

If yes, then all good to go. You got your scenes numbered and laid out the way you would like to see them on screen.

But if not, then it's pretty much not the case as far as screenwriting goes. You are going way specific with your editing cuts. I was even wondering of seeing L and J cuts too. This seems more like a storyboard than a screenplay.

Story wise, this is simple. A man who has lost everything, tries to end himself. But is afraid of death. And at the end he gives himself another chance to stand and be happy in his life.

If you're filming this, all power to you brother. If not, consider trimming off some things.

In any case,

Good luck.

Hi Tony

Nice - different. The way in which you wrote it really captivated my imagination. I liked the way you ended your story by not concluding. You could have concluded in many different ways ~ telling us the meaning and end plot. But, then it be just another story. Here --you allow me, the reader, to make my own conclusion to end.

Well done.    

Quoted from Yuvraj Hi, Tony, Are you a professional director or a professional editor or something of that sort in the filmmaking line? If yes, then all good to go. You got your scenes numbered and laid out the way you would like to see them on screen. But if not, then it's pretty much not the case as far as screenwriting goes. You are going way specific with your editing cuts. I was even wondering of seeing L and J cuts too. This seems more like a storyboard than a screenplay. Story wise, this is simple. A man who has lost everything, tries to end himself. But is afraid of death. And at the end he gives himself another chance to stand and be happy in his life. If you're filming this, all power to you brother. If not, consider trimming off some things. In any case, Good luck.

First of all, Yuvraj, thank you so much for your feedback. It's really important to me that you took time to read it and I sincerely thank you, and I'll return the favour by looking at your screenplay in the link.

I did attend for three years a Film and TV Production course and have written student films before, as well as working on professional local productions too. (which incidentally if you did want to look at my portfolio it's available at http://www.outrunkid.com)

With L and J cuts, I was 'playing the movie in my mind' as having them but I wasn't specifically aiming to incorporate that into the screenplay, but personally I think that is definitely a good idea.

I am thinking of putting this into production and am really thankful that you thought that the story was good.

Again, thanks so much for the feedback.

Quoted from BarryJohn Hi Tony Nice - different. The way in which you wrote it really captivated my imagination. I liked the way you ended your story by not concluding. You could have concluded in many different ways ~ telling us the meaning and end plot. But, then it be just another story. Here --you allow me, the reader, to make my own conclusion to end. Well done.

Hiya BarryJohn, first of all thank you so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

I am so happy that you liked it, and am overjoyed by you saying 'it really captivated my imagination'.

I love stories where the audience has to decide what happened ultimately in the read and am glad you recognised that.

Thank you again for the feedback, it's really, REALLY appreciated.

Tony: if you are shooting this yourself, nothing really matters comment wise since you know what's in your mind. If you are looking for someone else to shoot this, I think it is less then optimal.

- You don't need scene numbers for a spec.

Quoted Text - Note - Throughout this script there is a frequent back and forth inter-cutting style between the various scenes, meant to display an uneasy and frantic state of mind.

Not a fan of the above.  The scenes should speak for themselves and the director should figure out the cuts - but okay,

The above are just nitty issues. My real problems start here:

Quoted Text 1 INT. FLAT - EVENING MAN sits staring at something.

I have little clue is to what I am supposed to see. Is this a teenager, an eighty-year old, a mid-lfe crisis dude??? It matters.

Is the flat cheap - expensive ?

I would definitely give MAN a name. Reading The Man over and over again becomes tedious.

Quoted Text 3 EXT. BUSY PUBLIC PLACE - DAY 3 Man glances around at the random faces in the middle of a large bustling crowd.

Again - why so vague? Tell us - it can be anything from an Arena to a shopping mall to a street.
You are wasting tension building oppurniuties by not being specific. e.g., what if it is a park filled with unknowing children and mothers???

The Bungee cord scene should go - it's comedic and a hiccup to the tension.

So, I like the premise alright - but you spent so little time of telling me why I should care about this man - it left me Meh.  

Quoted from eldave1 Tony: if you are shooting this yourself, nothing really matters comment wise since you know what's in your mind. If you are looking for someone else to shoot this, I think it is less then optimal.

Hello eldave1 thank you so much for giving me feedback, I really appreciate the time you took to read this.

I will definitely get rid of the scene numbers as you are not the only one to mention them.

The inter-cutting, you are also right looking back over it. If I'm directing this myself, I think it's useful, if not, I should trust the director and editor to create these moments and overall style.

My intention with naming him simply Man was to make this an every person character, but taking on what you comment, I believe it would be better to describe him and his surroundings a bit more - it creates more of an visualisation image, if nothing else.

I'm not sure about giving Man a name personally, as it seems to take away the character mystic. But I do understand where you are coming from. What would you recommend?

I liked your mention of building the tension with a location - potentially placing him or the crowd in a dangerous or unexpected area, it could add tension or character a bit more.

I added the bungee cord scene as a little comedic relief and to possibly offer insight into Man's state of mind. Perhaps you are right that it doesn't match the tone but personally I think it works.

Telling more, anything, about Man and building up empathy for him with the audience could be a very good suggestion, and I did feel myself that the story started very suddenly.

I am very pleased that you got in touch with these suggestions and comments and again REALLY APPRECIATE the time you took to look over my script. I will have a look at your signature link as a small thank you .

You have given me a lot to think about and made great improvements for the story. Thanks

Quoted from outrunkid Hello eldave1 thank you so much for giving me feedback, I really appreciate the time you took to read this. I will definitely get rid of the scene numbers as you are not the only one to mention them. The inter-cutting, you are also right looking back over it. If I'm directing this myself, I think it's useful, if not, I should trust the director and editor to create these moments and overall style. My intention with naming him simply Man was to make this an every person character, but taking on what you comment, I believe it would be better to describe him and his surroundings a bit more - it creates more of an visualisation image, if nothing else. I'm not sure about giving Man a name personally, as it seems to take away the character mystic. But I do understand where you are coming from. What would you recommend? I liked your mention of building the tension with a location - potentially placing him or the crowd in a dangerous or unexpected area, it could add tension or character a bit more. I added the bungee cord scene as a little comedic relief and to possibly offer insight into Man's state of mind. Perhaps you are right that it doesn't match the tone but personally I think it works. Telling more, anything, about Man and building up empathy for him with the audience could be a very good suggestion, and I did feel myself that the story started very suddenly. I am very pleased that you got in touch with these suggestions and comments and again REALLY APPRECIATE the time you took to look over my script. I will have a look at your signature link as a small thank you . You have given me a lot to think about and made great improvements for the story. Thanks

No problem - the name you pick doesn't really matter.

Quoted from outrunkid I am thinking of putting this into production and am really thankful that you thought that the story was good. Again, thanks so much for the feedback.

No problem, Tony. And good luck with the production.

Hi Tony

Cool Man..
You say also like stories where the audience gets to decide the ending. Then you may well like to read just such one I recently wrote/posted hereto. You'll see it on this page of Short Drama Scripts; SOUL DELIVERANCE. You can comment on it there.