The Field by Siddharth Narsipur - Short, Drama - A shy boy struggles to talk to the local kids in his town. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi, Siddharth,

This one is the typical sophisticated story of overcoming the fear, told the obvious way. Although the writing is not that refined.

Quoted Text EXT. DAY. AN OPEN FIELD.

Not the proper way to write the slugline. It should be: EXT. OPEN FIELD - DAY.

Quoted Text BOY 1 (thinking for a moment and looking at him, almost examining him, almost rating him as if he is a product) OK, come on then.

This parenthesis is way too long. It almost reads like an action line.

Quoted Text The boys then take turns turns choosing the players for the teams.

Typo spotted.

Anyways nice effort.

Good luck.

Hello.
I would agree with Yuvraj on a few aspects.

The Parenthetical is WAAAAAAY too long and they read like action lines. Keep them shorter and use them only to describe how character's talk or extremely brief character actions - looks, glances, fidgets etc. Similarly, instead of 'off-camera' use 'O.S.' to mean 'off-screen'.

I can't point them all out but the occasional typo or missed word is there. Try to go back and correct to make the reading flow more smoothly.

I quite enjoyed the story and I could really visualise it. I felt that it would be the kind of short film I would actually want to watch and that is always a good sign. I loved the semi-ambiguous ending.

I really liked your script although it just needs some work on the technical side. I loved the characters and their actions, it really made me visualise the type of people they are.

Another thing I would recommend would be just very briefly describe the field in question. It's such a large part of the story we need to know something about it, even something extremely simple like - A LARGE GRASS FIELD.

Keep up the good work.